JESSIKA & THE BUMPER BOYZ
Jessika’s "Kink in the Armani"
Sun. March 19, 2006 12:00 AM
by Jessika Sterling
... Divas, Designers, and Debauchery!
Jessika Sterling's "Whirlwind Acclamation to Las Vegas Living" in 2,000 words or less... Viva Las Vegas, baby!
After becoming an official Las Vegas Resident only 3 short months ago, your "Fearless Diva"... and "Media Goddess"... has certainly not forgotten her ever fabulous Bumperz and Bumpettes out there... so sorry it's taken so long to get this column out... but god knows I'd never let you down by not thoroughly venturing out into this fabulous city without sharing every little tidbit of drama, debauchery, and diva-moments!... hehe
As you can imagine, no sooner do I unpack my 15 "Love ya more than my luggage" suitcases of designer frocks, and one for the boy-stuff... and I have to go out a find a tuxedo for my new company's Xmas bash at the owner’s estate... and yes I was severely bitter that I had to "go butch" and was not able to wear a designer gown!... but get this, the boss' estate is right next door to Wayne Newton’s estate!
Gurlfriend, this place was HUGE…I thought I was going into a private community…gate guards…winding drives…bridges over streams…valets…and to top it off, being greeted by the boss’ 6 foot blonde, ex-model, wife wearing an original blue ming-print Cavalli gown! (…she needs to die!)
[blonde segue-moment #1]
“Ok…if I poison the shrimp…she’ll be dead by morning…she looks like a size 10, so the dress is mine…I’ll order my new Aston Martin Vanquish Tuesday…and I can simple move in and take her place by Wednesday…no one will ever know!!!!”
[evil Scooby-doo phantom laugh]
Well, as my lowly Jaguar was being taken away by a very hunky little Latin valet, I proceed to enter through the imported 20 foot Brazilian oak front doors of my new employer, and the 200+ guests, for this lavishly frou-frou affair…only to have a big, pink, nelly purse just fly right out of my big mouth with a rather large, high-pitched “GASP” and me uncontrollably blurting out for the entire group at the door to hear...
“Oh my god, that’s a Cavalli!”
I don’t know if my boss’ look was that of “You’re right?!”
…or “Who is this skinny fag in my house?!”
Either way, it certainly broke the ice…
”…oh, look mini quiches!”
Of course it wasn’t a big deal, and by the end of the night our hosts joined us as we were all spilling champagne on their Persian rugs and playing strip-pool in their private bar, along with helping them try to figure out how to turn on their $100,000 stereo system that apparently only the butler knows how to use.
After that lovely evening, it was time for me to get officially settled in…so of course I went shopping!
Dah’links…between Caesar’s Forum Shops, The Bellagio, The Wynn, and the designer outlet mall, Miss Jessika Sterling has died and gone heaven….Laaaaaa!
[…and the angels sing as a ray of light passes thru the hand-made Italian, beveled glass atrium skylight of the $4.6 million dollar port’e cochere]
All I have to say is, “I’m severely underpaid to be living in this town!”
After 3 pairs of shoes from Ferragamo, 2 shirts from Gaultier, and a watch from Dolce & Gabbana…bitch, I’m now on my credit card’s VIP list. AND, to top all of that off was a little snowboard outing to Mt. Charleston (…and yes, you can go skiing only 45 minutes away from downtown Las Vegas!), another ski trip to Utah and my friend Penny being continually obsessed with seeing the Caribou (…but we also rented a Range Rover to be comfy…which was worth it?), and finally a “Melrose Avenue” shopping weekend in LA with my favorite racy-russians Alex and Steve (…which is only 3 hours away!)
…oh, and we had a Hummer for that trip. (…do you hate yet?).
…AND, do I have some fierce boots from that trip to show you!
From skiing around all the “bigoted mormons” in Utah, to doing shots with all the “I’m just did a toothpaste commercial and I’m going to big a big star, but right now I work at Denny’s- actors” in LA…I’m exhausted…and broke!
But, have no fear, I still managed to do the VIP hostess gig for the “2006 HustlaBall” at Las Vegas’ only Gay nightclub on the strip…KRAVE! After some conversations between my sweeties at justcircuit.com (Shane & Victor), Bill and Ryan at Krave, and Mr. Tom Weiss of rentboy.com and owner of the HustlaBall…Miss Jessika Sterling was pulling up to the hundred’s of hunky circuit boys on the sidewalk in her sterling silver jag, only to be wisked away into the VIP entrance of KRAVE nightclub at the fabulous Aladdin Hotel/Casino
…oh, and did I forget to mention that this party was basically full of gay porn stars????
Headlining this fabulous event was our longtime circuit diva, Miss Kevin Aviance from NYC, assisted by the “Sin Sity Sister’s” of Perpetual Indulgence…you know, the boyz in white-face make-up who look like “Cirque du So-Gay on Crack”…of which I love all of them…it was apparent from the beginning that this was going to be quite an experience for little Miss Jessika from the Midwest.
By Vegas standards, Krave is quite the place…as for unique, that is yet to be seen. But, I was here for my specialty…”getting my schmooze on.” And of course, as things usually happen, I take three steps into the VIP lounge and run right into major porn star, Matthew Rush…who I had the pleasure (…or let’s say he did…hehe) of meeting at Gay Disney last summer. It was lovely to see him again, we chatted for a few, I met his hunky boyfriend, and then I had to excuse myself for a moment to let’s just say “wipe the lipstick off my teeth”. Unfortunately, I did one of my periodic blonde-moments and got caught-up chatting and after two short conversations trying to make my way back to Matthew for a picture…it was too late and he was off to pre-game for the upcoming stage performance. But, I did throw in a picture from our last meeting…as I’m sure you’ll forgive me with using an old picture of us instead of no picture…hehe.
Anyways, I had a total blast that night…and met way too many future ex-husbands…especially my new vegas bumper boys (Sean, Jared, and Bo) and my “Mo-Hunks” sporting their fabulous little up-do Mohawk hair styles…plus all the fag-a-licious performances by Matthew and the boyz.
…I was definitely questioning my usual “Catch and Release Program” for these types of events…hehe.
[blonde segue-moment #2]
Speaking of Vegas clubs, I recently had the opportunity to go checkout a few of the other supposed “hot spots” around town…TYRST at the Wynn, and Ghostbar at the Palms.
Child, where to begin…where to begin.
The one thing that I have come to realize being here is that just having a “designed club” does not make it the best. Speaking as someone who has been to a lot of clubs…and I’m saying a lot of clubs…I have pretty much experienced it all. And the one major thing about Vegas is, “Money talks”! You can literally get anything, from anybody, anytime, anywhere. I’ve seen so much money change hands at the front ropes to these clubs that I’d be surprised the hosts and doormen don’t all own Ferraris.
Now don’t get me wrong, schmoozing and having contacts still speaks for how the rest of “US” get into clubs, but the amount of cover charges (mostly around $40 on the weekends) and the layers of attitude being thrown around is ridiculous. Especially when you enter this “chez chez club” to find it full of wannabee tourists with too much money and too little taste in style or fashion…what a geek feast!
…and I’m not even going to get into my opinion on hip hop music.
As for going to Tryst, and the “door suits” with too much hair product and the personality as stiff as their hair…This was basically one of those evenings of “hanging with your breeder friends” trips to the nightclub.
(…ahhhh, just kill me now!)
All your straight girlfriends trying to get you to dance to the worst music, while watching all the other girls (…and their boyfriends) checking you out…
”…is he a real fag…or just a metrosexual posing as one?”
…no bitch, I’m real…now go change those “last year’s prada shoes”, holster those fake tits you’re aiming at me, and get me a cocktail…ba’bye!
Tryst’s crowd is sooo straight…the hip hop music makes you want to fly to LA and kill Ms. Hollaback-girl (Gwen Stefani) in her sleep…and every wannabe posing over their flashy logoed champagne bucket as they sip their $10 beer from their cheesy pleather alligator leather booths…and the ”ceremonious stripper pole” with the 6 drunken bachelorettes flaying-around as they give the “universal breeder-girl mating call”…
“…I’m soooo drunk!!!”
[…as she falls ass-first off the pole into the booth of awaiting horny drunk frat boyz in their matching stripped, collared, untucked shirts and designer bowling shoes.]
Are you getting the picture yet?
And as for Ghostbar, besides the fantastic view from the skydeck on top of the hotel…it is about the same thing…
“BEEN THERE…DONE THAT!” (…back in college!)
Not to say you shouldn’t go to these places…you know the rule, if you have enough friends with you, you can have fun anywhere. But, if you are a seasoned clubber/circuit boy, and if you are forced to pay cover and put up with too much of this attitude…honey, let me save you the $40…it’s not worth it!
(…unless it is a “special celebrity event”…that’s a completely different animal. Pick up the phone, call your contact, and get on that list…those are fun!)
Eventhough I’ve been to most of the clubs here…Tyrst (Wynn), Pure (Caesars), Mix (Mandalay), Tao (Venetian), Ghostbar (Palms), Drai’s (Barbary Coast), Krave (Aladdin), Voodoo (Rio), etc..I find myself looking at these places and thinking I’ve been to these in LA, Chicago, SoBe, and NYC. Trust me…if you’re coming here for some fun, you will have much more fun at Krave or any of the smaller “Local clubs”. Places like Ice House, Peppermill, Gipsy, Freezone, and even Drop Bar or Whiskey at Green Valley Ranch are much more personable with no huge covers or lines going through the hotel.
Back to the fun stuff, right?
Seeing as that I’m a designer here in Vegas, I have had the torturous task of having to stay in all of the top hotels here in town…for research purposes of course. Which means I’ve had order room service, take bubble baths, experience the clubs and restaurants of all of these fine establishment.
…and gurlfriend….I’m just the girl for the job!
So, as I spent the last few months lounging, soaking, sipping, sampling, shopping, drinking, dining, dancing, driving, deliberating, gambling, glad-handing, viewing, relaxing, and of course schmoozing my way to upgrading my rooms every chance I got…I thought you all might like to see some of the highlights with everything from some of the clubs and shops all the up to some of the exclusive suites in the Bellagio with “Jessika Sterling’s Exclusive Bumper Boy Diva-Tour of Las Vegas”... with all the pictures to prove it !
Oh, just one more thing before we go…
In honor of Brokeback Mountain and me being stuck out in the middle of a desert…I thought you might like this also.
Jessika’s Top Ten Signs that you’re a Gay Cowboy!
1. Your saddle is Versace.
2. Instead of “Home on the range”, you sing “It’s raining men”
3. You enjoy “ridin’, ropin’, and redecoratin’.”
4. Sold your livestock to buy tickets to “Momma Mia”.
5. After watching reruns of “Bonanza”, you have to go take a cold shower.
6. Native Americans refer to you and your friends as “Dances With Men”, “Stands With An Attitude”, and “Shops With A Fist”.
7. You’ve been lassoed more times than most steers.
8. You’re wearing chaps, yet your “ranch” is in South Beach.
9. Instead of a saloon, you prefer a salon.
10. You love riding, yet do don’t have a horse.
…and one more little fun thing that came from our long drive back through Utah…what can I say, we got inspired…lol
Jessika’s Top Ten Native American Names
“Dances With Men”
“Stands With An Attitude”
“Shops With a Fist”
“Runs Like a Girl”
“Toys With Men”
“Barks Like a Dog”
“Momma Got Needs”
Till next time my dah’links….
“I love you more than my luggage!
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