Jessika is on the Market... And She Ain't Cheap!

Wed. August 24, 2005 12:00 AM
by Jessika Sterling

Well my dah'links... another month of summer is almost over... and Chicago is still recovering from another fabulous "North Halsted Market Days" Festival... and your faithful "media goddess" was once again, right in the middle of the fun!

... sweating her ass off!

As I spent a few hours making my appearance at the booth on Saturday afternoon, while chit-chatting with all the "hot sweaty menz of Chicago and abroad"(... no, I mean "a broad"... she was nice... haha)... I noticed an interesting parallel between the items at a street festival and the men I was encountering... so, here we go once again with one of my infamous little
" blonde thesis-moments "...

As obvious as it is... why are men like a hot dog???

Well, some are like a ...

The Chicago dog ... all beef (which is good)... but, with peppers, onions, tomato, relish, poppy seed bun, and CELERY SALT... (by the way, what the hell is celery salt?!)... it's just too much baggage to get through for a little meat!

The Corn dog ... big or small, fat or lean, kosher or greasy, if you dress it up with a fancy cover, and straighten-it-up with a "stick" up it's behind... it is kind of sexy to look at... it tastes pretty good... and there's no mess!

The Cocktail Weiner ... yes, they are cute... they go with everything...
great at parties... sometimes even fun to share with your guests...
BUT, you have to have 20 of them to satisfy you!

The Detroit Coney Dog ... a nice, thick, kosher pork dog... all-natural casing for that "snap"... and topped with a special blended chili, which has been cooking all day for that perfect maturity of juices and spices... And finally, simply accessorized with mustard, onions, and a little sprinkle of pepper to spice things up... .when it's that perfect, having it once just isn't enough.

(... and, you're thinking about it every time you see another hot dog!)

Then there is...

The Footlong... "who the hell cares about anything... it's a FOOTLONG !!!"

Oh, and finally... there are those ‘Mutants" out there...

The one's who put cheese on their dog... or god help us... KETCHUP!!!


"They are just not right."

I have to admit, I was still depressed from last month... not from all my family or my crashing-computer drama... but from much more important things...
my bumper boy David has left his position at Armani... ahhhhhh... noooooo!!!

But, I later found out something that had me doing a 180 faster than Jessika Sterling accidentally walking into Kmart... he is going to be joining PRADA!!!!

[... .and the heavens open up to the flourish of angels singing... and a ray of light hits Miss Sterling right between the eyes... llllaaaaahhhhh!!!!]

Jess/Jessika are going to be so dialed-in on his/her wardrobe for this next year
... I think I'm going to cry... lol

And, to top off all of this... my favorite show, Boston Legal, is back on the air!!!! ... Viva Le Shatner!!!

(... I'm sorry... I know I'm a dork... but, James Spader and William Shatner just amuse me so... lol)

Now, on to more important things... seeing as how all of a sudden all the girls are going blonde around here (... wow, I never knew I was such an influence... lol)
... I decided I needed a change also. So, it's been quite awhile since the last time... Jessika Sterling became a redhead!!!

Needless to say, as my boyz (Bryan and Mike) came to pick me up on a Saturday night... the looks on their faces as I opened my door was priceless.
I think it took everyone a little time to get use to instead of "Barbie"... they got her slutty best friend... "Midge"(... who by the way, is pregnant... she's such a slut!!)

[evil laugh]

Well, after one or two (...or 5) cocktails at my place... (... and the creation of Bryan's "Toxic Brittany Cocktail"... Malibu/Pineapple/Raspberry Vodka... it's sweet, looks good, but makes you stupid before the first sip!")... we decided to go to the piano bar, Gentry, down the street. Hanging out at the tiny, dark, and smokey Gentry was actually kind of fun, and we continued to cocktail and chat to the musical-stylings of John Jones... who looks surprisingly like that drama-queen Jonathan from the Bravo show "Blow out".

[blonde segue-moment #1]

Ok, I don't know if I'm just seeing things... but, is it just me or does that Jonathan guy wear a really bad hair piece??? You'd think a top hair-stylist could have better hair... damn gurl, what are you smoking to think you look good?!!!

Maybe he's been hanging out with that other brunette on "Designer Guys" who looks like his chunkier brother (... with a really hot husband by the way... mmmm). Have both of them been telling each... "Bitch, you're on TV... you look fabulous ... no, don't worry about having a "BLENDED HAIRLINE" or having the edge of your "piece" stick out in the back" ???!

Poor babies, are there no queens in your life to point this out to you?!!!!

"GURLFRIEND... your hair looks like shit... FIXED IT!!!"

[ Idiot slap upside their "pieces" hoping they'll fall off!}


Anyways, with my boyz and I being serviced by the cute-little-hottie-waiters, Chuckles & Will... we ended up hanging around for a few more than planned... . (... another round of Grasshoppers for everyone!!!) By the time we all started to get green tongues, it was time to head down the street to my favorite hangout ... SIDETRACK!!!! (... I soooo love that place... haha)

We had our usual "Bumper Boyz Night" there... cocktails and chit-chat in the glass bar... then it was off again to venture even further up Halsted Street to Circuit!!... and, say "hI" to my very favorite "door diva", Byrd Bardot!

With her very gracious invitation to come inside, the boyz and I were pleasantly surprised to find out that Suzanne Palmer herself was singing live on stage!!!
WOW... after seeing her down at Disney Gay Day at the "Reunion Pool Party" she really proved that she can belt it out... what a great singer!!!

Well, after her performance, it was a quick wave to owner Mike M... a little more chit-chat with my boyz in attendance... along with Miss Paula Sinclair ( a singer appearing at Gentry!) and of course Miss Foozie!... then it was kiss-kiss to
Ms. Byrd Bardot one more time and off we went to our next stop of the evening.

We ended our little Bumper-tour of Halsted at Charlies... with a kiss-kiss to my door hotties, Eric and his latin sidekick... past the line we go... and there's my Malibu/pineapple waiting for me from my favorite bartender...Larry! ... accompanied by his fabulously hunky sidekick, Ricardo. (... by the way, both are performers, but were in disguise that night... lol)

Unfortunately, we didn't last long, as I chatted with Greg
(Diva, Monique Marquette out of uniform) I soon felt like a "lit candle" as everyone MELTED from the heat!!!... but, as I tried to get out, everyone kept buying me a cocktail, dammit... .and who am I to not finish a lovely bever'age from a fan?!

[pretentious french accent]

Well, maintaining my appearance won out... so, as the clock stuck 3am...
"that evil redhead who looked like Jessika" made a graceful exit and headed home... to fast food and a warm bed.

A few weeks later, I had a visit from my family with the new diva of Chicago, my niece, "Jessica" ... for her first time to the big city!!!

(release the pigeons... alert Chanel, Escada, Gucci, and Prada... she's coming!!!)

What great time I had showing my mother, sister-in-law, and 2 1/2 year old niece around Chicago!!! (... by the way, Jessica is now 36 inches tall!!!!... hmmm, guess she has good genes or something... lol)

From running around Millennium Park's fountain... to listening to the Chicago Symphony/Choral rehearsing in the Gehry-designed concert venue... to seeing the beluga whales & dolphin show at the Shedd Aquarium (... by the way, my niece saying "Beeeluga" is just too funny!)... to having lunch at American Girl...
to riding the vintage carousel at Navy Pier... to finally watching the fireworks from Buckingham Fountain with the Lollapalooza Festival Music in the background from next door... it was an amazing time... almost makes me wish I had children... almost.

(... one diaper-change will cure you of that urge!... haha)

[blonde segue-moment #2]

I really miss my family in Detroit... especially since all the "drama" lately with my father. But, as much as I miss them... the one thing I don't miss is living in Michigan. For those of you not lucky enough to have been there, here's my little "blonde-homage" to the Great Lakes State... but, said with love...

You might be from Michigan if:

1. You define summer as 3-months of bad sledding.

2. You can identify an Ohio accent.

3. Your idea of a seven-course meal is a 6-pack and a bucket of smelt.

4. Owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your hometown.

5. You know how to play (... and pronounce) "Euchre".

6. You grew-up watching "Hockey Night in Canada" and think
Don Cherry was "wicked sharp, eh!"

7. You believe that "down south" means Toledo.

8. You bake with "Soda" and drink "Pop".

9. You buy your pizza, beer, subs, snacks, and liquor from the
"Party Store" and get your balloons, wrapping paper, and other party supplies from Kmart.

10. At least one person in your family has a "mullet"... and thinks it's cool.

11. It doesn't matter if your car is completely rusted, has no upholstery, and only one headlight working... if the engine is a "hopped-up, big block chevy 350"... it's cool!

12. The term "Big Meats" refers to huge four-wheel drive tires... not food.

13. The words "uh" and/or "eh" are commonly used to begin and/or end a sentence.

14. You drive 86 on the highway and pass on the right.

15. Your little league baseball game was snowed out.

16. You learned how to drive a boat before you could ride a bike.

17. The word "Thumb" has a geographical rather anatomical significance.

18. You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.

19. You expect "Vernors" when you order ginger ale.

20. You consider the "Coney Island Hot Dog" (greek, pork, chili-dog) the greatest meal ever created... and consider all others to be snacks for your dog.

21. Your favorite holidays are "opening day of deer hunting season" and "Devil's Night" (... the day before Halloween, known for lighting things on fire and pranks... most believe "TP'ing trees" and the "flaming bag of dog poo" originated here.)

22. Your snowmobile, lawn mower, and fishing boat all have big block Chevy engines. (...and yes, Tim "the tool man" Taylor was exactly like your Dad.)

23. Yes, you've been to "Hell" and back... and it's not far from Kalamazoo.

24. At least one member in your family disowns you for the week of the U of M vs. MSU football game.

25. Your year consists of two seasons: "Winter" and "Construction".

26. Half of the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh.

26. Half of the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh.

27. You show people where you grew up by showing them a spot on your right hand.

28. You have at least one family member who thinks Ted Nugent is a "god"... and the rest think he's a loud-mouthed-ass with too much money and ammo.


Then, we have the "Annual Northalsted Market Days Festival"!!!!... which is basically our "Second Pride Festival" of the year... .and the "Largest Street Festival in the Midwest!"

Weeellll, besides the typical retail crap you see at every street festival (... you guys need to do something different, by the way!!!) and a little over-priced food & drink... the "Boyz were HOTTT!!!"... so it is definitely worth the visit!... haha

Yours truly was signed up to be making an appearance at the lovely booth with the whole gang of Steve, Matt, Dan, Liam, my favorite lesbians... and of course DJ Plez spinning from the Kafka Wine Shop behind us. Of course, I was themed in my Jaguar-spotted outfit, with thigh-high suede boots and cowboy hat for my sponsor Jaguar/Chicago. Even though, I was "Schvitzing like a shikza in temple" and seemed to spend all my time playing the role of the "gay petting zoo" and "Miss Photo-op 2005" with all the breeders in attendance... I actually had a great time

... .of course, the 3-champagne/mango slushies didn't hurt either [burp]

Then, it was a quick pit-stop back down the street to my loft for a speedy touch-up on the mug... and it was right back out to meet up with my "Bumper Boyz" at, where else????... Sidetracks!!!!

But, the absolute highlight of my "Market Days Weekend" was by far...
Sunday night and my exclusive interview for with one of the top DJ/Producers in the world... VICTOR CALDERONE!!!

I'll spare you the basic dribble of his background... cuz, if you don't who he is by now, bitch... get a life!!! ( and go read the bio on his site.

From what my editor's at have been telling me, the "industry has been buzzing" waiting to read my interview with him... apparently, having someone like me interviewing someone like him has really caught everyone's attention... .my god, like a 7-foot blonde female impersonator has never interviewed a celebrity DJ/Producer before... lol

I had my sit down with Victor at Crobar/Chicago before he was set to spin for the entire night (from 10pm till 4am!) and just had the best time really getting to
"know him".

New York "Superstar DJ"... "King of Tribal"... ."Innovator of Deep House"... or as some of you like to call it "Bath House Music"... lol. Victor really became famous in 1996 with residencies at NYC's "Roxy" and Miami's "Liquid"... which is where he started working with Madonna... and later, the likes of Sting, Cyndi Lauper, KD Lang, and a host of others

You can read my full interview on trust me, it's pretty fun.

Now, after sitting down with Victor... I actually hung around for the rest of the night... and with a few of my Bumper Boyz in attendance, we had a fabulous time at Crobar. Crobar has been struggling lately, and has even stopped doing their regular Sunday gay-nights. Ever since the infamous Sunday "Glee Club" nights from years past... they have yet to win back the boyz and get the loyal/consistent energy-filled crowd lost with the high cover, mixed crowds, new staff, and pricey drinks. But, with the new décor, which looks fabulous, and a new senior staff consisting of hunky GM, Colin, and our favorite PR Diva, Claudia... .they are on the right track to making Crobar/Chicago THEE place to go on a Sunday once again...

"We miss ya gurl... hurry up and get your shit together!!!"

Well, there you go my dah'links... .that's what our last month was like... wish you were here!!!!

Love ya more than my luggage!!!"

Jessika Sterling