JESSIKA & THE BUMPER BOYZ
Jessika's Labor of Love
Thu. October 13, 2005 12:00 AM
by Jessika Sterling
As Labor Day sends a fond farewell to summer... it also launches us ass-first into fall... and the beginning of Chicago's infamous "prime-time moving season!"
As I prepare for some extended time down in sunny Miami/SoBe for my new design project and the "White Party at Viscaya"... I'm trying not to live up to my reigning title of "Miss Procrastinator/2004"... So, I've been spending the last few weekends reorganizing, sorting, discarding, packing... packing... packing... and packing ... and packing
... and packing!
... and, I actually FILLED two dumpsters with old shoes, way too many
"what-was-I-thinking-outfits", and bin-upon-bin of accessories!
[Blonde segue-moment #1]
Remember the old Eddie Murphy movie, "Coming to America", when their luggage was stolen upon entering Harlem... Well, I had the funniest dream of me walking out of my loft and seeing all the street people dancing around looking like "Broadway on crack"... featuring Barbie, Faith Hill, and Jessica Rabbit... and all of them "giving attitude"... IN MY OLD OUTFITS!!!
... and there was Nathan Lane in my old Jessica Rabbit red sequin gown, with purple gloves, sporting about 20-pounds of back-cleavage, and a 5 o'clock shadow... singing the theme song from "Westside Story"!!!!
(... that is the last time I fall asleep with a movie on after eating Mexican food!)
As my visiting-mother and I reached box number 22 of "The Great Jessika Sterling Move" ... and to my surprise, finding another useful purpose for all the duct tape I have in my closet... I've found myself thinking about family while spending A LOT of time catching up on my extensive DVD movie collection (... over 400, and growing!) As you all know, I'm a total movie-nut (... don't even try to play the "7-degrees of Kevin Bacon" with me... lol) and to live-up to my reputation as being the "epitome of contrast" (... being the ex-jock/queen that I am... lol) I'm sure you're not going be too surprised to learn that my favorite types of movies are sci-fi and musicals!
So, as we packed away my life (... and my evil twin) into cardboard boxes, my mom and I got extremely amused watching the old classic movie "GiGi" over and over. The little tidbits of wisdom past down by family members throughout the entire movie are absolutely priceless ... something about watching a movie with your mom just had me thinking so much about the "diva training" she provided me growing up as a shy, awkward child... and of course her not knowing just how much of an influence she was on me... and how much I see her passing on all those same priceless lessons to my little niece... it is just too funny for words.
So, with the recent passing of Labor Day... me being my mother's little graduated "Labor of Love"... and the little "Diva in training", my 2 year old niece Jessica, just beginning her lessons... I thought you all might reach some "enlightened state of froufrou-ness" concerning refinement and quality with...
Jessika Sterling's Favorite Diva-Quotes from the movie "GiGi"
1. "Bad table manners have broken up more household's than infidelity, my dear."- Aunt Alesia
2. "The world is full of weak heads and careless bodies!"- Aunt Alesia
3. "She's pretty... but common."- GiGi
4. "Without knowledge of jewelry the world is lost!"- Aunt Alesia.
5. "Never wear 2nd-class jewels... wait for the 1st-class jewelry... hold onto your ideals, my dear."- Aunt Alesia
6. "The only people who make love all the time... are liars!"
- Gaston LaChaille
7. "Of course they'll scream... they must always scream... afterall, you are a man!"- Honore' LaChaille
With movies like "GiGi", "My Fair Lady", and even my personal favorite of all time... "The Great Race"... the outfits played such a fabulous role that I could watch these movie over and over and still see new wonderful things.
Obviously (... hopefully) you can imagine that "Fashion and Art" are some of my other "Labors of Love"... keeping up with the trends, both as a boy and girl, are definitely one of more passionate pursuits... from my favorite "back off bitch" Prada heels... to my Versace "pilot-dresses" (cuz, it's two inches below the cockpit)... to my pretentiously-fabulous Bill Blass and Donna Karan men's cashmere jackets... to my "perfect-ass" Cavalli jeans ... to my "fag-a-liciously froufrou" Ferrigamo shoes... and even that $300 Versace men's belt collecting dust in my closet... I love clothes and everything surrounding the process of creating them.
And speaking of fashion, I recently went downtown to have lunch with the fabulous Cynthia, one of my favorite "Bumpettes" at IADT/Chicago
(International Academy of Design & Technology) who is the "Student Services Concierge" there. Besides spending some quality-time with my favorite
"Fish-Bitch"... IADT's annual "Street Fashion Show on State Street" was being presented. This event happens right in the heart of downtown Chicago on the sidewalks of State Street, right in the middle of the lunch-hour rush... and it is truly fabulous!
Featuring all of the top-award winners from the student fashion design competitions... and their creations are modeled by professional models on the red-carpeted catwalks flanking both sides of the traffic packed city avenue.
[Blonde segue-moment #2]
Ok... am I the only one who thinks this "trend" of today's runway fashion models walking like a "clopping horse" looks completely ridiculous?!
I swear, it's either they are complete klutzes and can't walk in heels... or they have their g-string pulled up so tight with a "camel-toed wedgy" that they are hoping this leg jerking action will "set their camel free"
... or maybe that "saltine and mineral water binge" they had last month has finally caught up with them within some delusional-fog of thinking they are stepping over all those imaginary "little people" on their way up to stardom as the "Misunderstood/Conceded-diva" on some reality show... or a spokesmodel for a nationally-branded ad for some salty snack treat... or even that "golden ring" of being cast as "Club Girl #17" on "The OC" tv show!
I swear... I had the strongest urge to tell Cyndi to hold my bag as I just "buffalo" those ladies right off the runway, in full daytime boy-drag, and show them how to walk like a woman!
... and then Cyndi slapped me upside the head and told me it's supposed to be about the students... "gurlfriend, there is no "whine" on the lunch menu here" ... and go stuff something greasy in that "diva trap" of mine...
(OUCH... reality hurts!... lol)
Well, the fashions were amazing... some of the student's fabulous frocks were definitely diva-worthy as we witnessed the models dueling from each side of the street... as though they were seemingly taunting each other from the runway platforms...
"Gurl, look... this size 0 gown almost gives me a butt!"
... "No, you look... I actually made it past the hot dog vendor without passing out!"
It really had almost a surreal quality to it... in a good way... but, my mind was
"off the deep-end' wandering through that warped mind of mine with thoughts of...
"What if... a large segment of gay diva-men all lost their jobs and became homeless street people... forced to become "sidewalk street performers"...
left with nothing but the gowns in their closets... a bottle of vanilla-scented exfoliant scrub... and forced to live in a cardboard shack consisting of meticulously-coordinated shopping bags from Niemans, Saks, Prada, Barney's, and Marshall Field's.
Oh, what a sight of these "dumpster divas" emerging from the city's alleyways at night in their "castaway couture"... clopping ... strutting... swishing... and prancing the sidewalks of Chicago for that live-sustaining flash of a camera... or the eternal life-force gained by their blank-faced, up-turned nose glance at a gawking corporate "trickzie" standing there eating her low-fat yogurt, nursing on her bottled water in her Lane Bryant suit and payless shoes.
... culminating with their vogue-routine from upon the dumpster to the headlights of passing garbage trucks...
... can you smell it?!
(hehe... I know, I'm evil)
Or, maybe it was just a really great student fashion show... and I was entering my 2nd-hour of "snippiness" being "Low Blood Sugar-Barbie" and really needed to eat something???
Besides all the fun of moving and being in "urban academia", we did actually find some time to rally up the "Bumper Boyz" for a little fun during all the Labor Day weekend festivities.
I'm sure you will all be shocked to know that we managed to find the time to sponsor our own little "Bumper Boy Night" at Sidetracks once again... where my infamous green SoBe couture made an appearance with my lovely accessories consisting of various "Bumperz" lead by David, Bryan, Shaun, Mike, and we even pulled my favorite resident door-hottie Juan into the fun.
Now, the two major highlights of our evening are Shaun being incessantly enamored with my green scallop-sequined purse (... "Yes, Shaun... you're as pretty as a little girl!"... ok?!)
I certainly never had to worry about where my purse was for the entire evening... knowing that Shaun was somewhere close parading it around as though he'd just won the spiky green scallop-sequined award for
"Best Supporting Faggot in a Cocktail Lounge".
And then there was my sweetie Juan taking such good care of me. (... in the liquid-libation persuasion) Since it was his night off, it was such a pleasure to finally have a little quality time to chat... and me being totally impressed with him going back to grad school... I'll definitely have to keep tabs on him in the future... quality "future ex-husbands" are hard to find nowadays... lol (... xoxo)
Then came our next night out... Labor Day Evening... and with my trusty Bumper David by my side... we decided we'd checkout "Latin Night at Circuit". So, with me sporting a sassy short blonde look, tight jeans, silver top... and some
fag-a-liciously gawdy-fun silver jewelry to go with my evil silver strapped black boots... we scooted past the line going AROUND the block, a quick kiss-kiss to my favorite door-diva Byrd Bardot... and then we are almost knocked to the floor with this immense wall of heat as we walk in! Now, I'm not talking about the "Latin sexy heat"... I'm talking pure "take two steps into the place and you're dripping" type heat.
Don't get me wrong here... I love Circuit... and it really looks fabulous inside...
But, I am not planning to hang around there long with a big-ass sweat stain on the front of my fabulous top for very long... oh, and by the way, "Thank you again, DAVID, for letting me walk around for about 20-minutes before you pointed that out that I had that aforementioned "badge of shame" on the front of me!"... lol...
... it was a serious lack of "bumper boy support" at that moment... I may even have to demote him if he doesn't learn to cover me when I have my little blonde-moments like that in the future... haha
On the goodside, I did chat for awhile with a lovely diva also braving the "Cocktails in Hell's Kitchen" that night at circuit (... unofficially named by me)
Miss Chris and her hunky husband were a lot of fun as David and I both drank profusely and made coordinated tag-team runs to the restroom to basically lay spread-eagle under the handblowers in an attempt to get a "full-body blow-job" so us two lone Scandinavian-gringos didn't melt away.
All in all, we lasted about 1 hour that night, with a good 20 minutes of it spent in the restrooms, before we "slide out" and made our way down the strip to more "climate controlled pursuits"...
I'm sorry... "Glisteny" is ok... but "looking like a lit-candle" is just not going to last very long with me ... vain as I am... lol.
[Blonde segue-moment #3]
With this recent occurrence of one of my favorite Bumper Boyz have his own little "blonde moment" while we were out and not "having my diva-back"... along with a few other little "trying moments" with some of my other "Boyz"... I thought it might be an appropriate time to breakout one of my favorite old "blonde-thesis lists" that I've accumulated from various friends over the years. And seeing as how men do tend to really get on my nerves from time to time... here you go my dah'links...
Jessika's Top Reasons why "Men are Like... ."
(credit to my Bumper Rick and his friend "Bunny")
1. Men are like ...Laxatives...They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like ...Bananas...The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ...Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials... You can't believe all they say.
7. Men are like...Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ...Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ...Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ...Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ...Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ...Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ...Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
14. Men are like... going to Disneyworld... you ride all night, then tell your friends all about it the next day... and sometimes with pictures!
15. Men are like... a cup of coffee... hot and steamy when you first get it, but cold and bitter after.
Finally, we have the highlight of my entire summer! My evening as the official "spokesmodel" for Jaguar/Chicago and the Chicago House-VIP Hostess & Tahdah-girl for "The 20th Anniversary Chicago House/World Tour Gala" @
The Intercontinental Hotel/Chicago. This was an absolutely fabulous black tie event put on by Chicago House Charity (www.chicagohouse.org)... and as part of their on-going "World Tour" parties, this event was stylishly-themed as "Viva la Vie... formal with a French twist!"
Now, after some conversations with my very favorite charity-hottie, and Bumper Boy from way back, Jeremy at Chicago House... and my official sponsors, Howard Orloff Jaguar/Chicago (www.orloff.com)... I definitely needed to make an impression with my appearance. So, after some thought... and thinking that most of the fashions in attendance would be either black our red... I decided I was going to wear GREEN! But, not your ordinary green... a sheer, form-fitting, spaghetti-strapped, full-length, designer, sage-green gown with a subtle leaf- pattern on a shimmery fabric... and of course we broke out my infamous green Prada strappy heels for this one! For accessories, besides my Bumper Boyz in attendance, I acquired some antique silver art nouveau-style jewels with matching green stones to complete my "French-Moderne look"
(... .watch out for the girl who aced art history in architecture school... with the unlimited access to theatrical jewelry... and a tube of E6000 industrial adhesive!)
The evening began with me arriving in front of the Intercontinental Hotel, and with the insane amount of traffic present on Michigan Avenue for an early Saturday evening, we were forced to stop the cab about 40 feet from the front door... but to my surprise, the doorman apparently saw me coming and rushed to my aid and opened the door, which lead to having me "flow out" and proceed to stop 4-lanes of traffic with a trumpet flare of everyone in eyesight honking their horns and a chorus of "wows" and "you go girl!" from passersby... .all of this as I'm being escorted the whole way by my newly acquired "Bumper-valet".
Upon entering the lobby thru the rotating doors... I proceeded to give "spontaneous-whiplash" to about 50 lobby guests as this 7-foot blonde fairy in a flowing green gown glides past them... you could literally feel the breeze from all the jaws dropping...
But, we aren't done yet!
On an interesting note... eventhough I had a free ticket (... thank you , Jeremy..xoxo)... I continually find it amazing how whenever I walk into an event like that... be it a circuit party, nightclub event, or charity gala... nobody EVER checks for my ticket! I swear, if I had more guts, I'd never pay for anything again and just walk right by everyone like I'm supposed to be there (which I am..haha) ... but, with my luck I'm sure that will be the night you see Miss Jessika looking like a million bucks as she's being escorted by two lovely men toward her half-gainer with a full-twist thru the front doors and onto the curb... screaming all the way... "don't you know who I am?... I'm special, dammit!!!"
Well, this night was amazing... the opening "VIP/Awards Cocktail Party" was first, it was a cozy little time of me schmoozing with one my favorite bumper-big shots, Stan, who is the CEO at Chicago House... checkout Chicago Social Magazine for our picture. The beginning of our evening was highlighted by an extremely moving "Chicago House's 2005 Founder's Award" acceptance speech by
Dr. Robert Murphy of Northwestern University and his work with AIDS patients.
A truly sobering fact was that he is the doctor who has the dubious honor of having signed the most death certificates in Chicago... it really makes you think about things like how you're currently living your life, and what things are really important... like the "labor of love" in supporting members of your community who are not able to support themselves.
After a very touching awards ceremony in the lovely "Seville Room"... it was then time to make our way from the VIP party upstairs for the Main Event in the amazing "Empire Room". An amazing, classically-designed, two-story space with large crystal chandeliers being surrounded by an ornately detailed mezzanine sweeping around the ballroom and meeting at a large stage flanked by two flowing grand staircases... truly a "grand ballroom" in every sense of the word.
... it went with my outfit perfectly! [wink]
So, of course I had to find myself a couple of Bumper Boyz to make my grand entrance... and could not have done better than with my Boyz from Zoom Vacations, Bryan, Shawn, Joel and Fernando! Bryan looked extra tasty wearing my own shimmery green scarf as the perfect "hint of color" to his perfectly fitted tux jacket and open-collared black shirt... I basically "marked him" for myself and dubbed us "Le Couple du Moderne" as all of us entered the room!... and with him being almost as tall as me... quite a few jaws dropped, mixed in with quite a few
of the str8-girls looking very bitter as this "boy in a dress" made them look just a little... let's say "inadequate" that evening...
... so how do you pretentiously say... "Oh, just hate me already"... in french????
(They all loved me later, as we had some fabulous chats in the ladies room throughout the evening... it basically became "The Girl's Club" all night... haha)
But, I was not there to play... I was there for a "cause"... and my friend Jeremy had specific plans for bring in Miss Jessika Sterling this evening...
"TO GET HER SCHMOOZE ON!"
I was the "hired-gun" (... or "hired-heels") to come in, be beautiful, and get those cheap bitches to write a lot of checks to Chicago House! And gurlfriend, did I ever work that room... lol. By about 3/4 of the way through the evening I pretty much got to a point that everyone saw me coming, with a big smile of their faces, and were just giving me money without question... or ever designating which particular area they wanted their donation to be put towards! You gotta love it when they just go "You look fabulous... here's $250... you chose where to put it!"
... these are the moments when I wish I was one those "shady queens"... I could have just walked out of there with a few thousand dollars tucked-away in my cleavage and be off to Vegas before they ever knew I was gone... lol... damn, I hate being the "honest diva" in Chicago!!!!
Anyways, the event was fabulous... we raised a ton of money... I had a blast schmoozing my way around the room all night... met a ton of fantastic people ... got photographed for Chicago Social Magazine... did my "tahdahs" on stage for my quick spokesmodel-moment with Jeremy doing the silent auction/raffle awards ... promoted Jaguar a little... and even ended the evening with a cozy cab ride home with a leading man from one of the latino soap operas who was visiting from Miami.
(... his name is being withheld for straight-reasons... xoxo)
[Blonde segue-moment # 4]
By the way... here's your "Bumper Boy Deal of a Lifetime"... for all you "Stylish Boyz" craving the ultimate fabulous accessory... checkout www.orloff.com for the fabulous new Jaguars, Volvos, and Range Rovers...
... I think I need one of each to match my shoes... what do you think????
My fabulous "Jaguar-Bumper Boy", Phil Delozano, is the general manager at Howard Orloff Imports, Chicago's most prestigious dealership... tell him "Jessika Sterling sent you!" and he will set you up with a fabulously exclusive "Bumper Boyz Deal" on a new car!!!
"... I think you need an "azure blue" Jaguar to match your eyes, dah'link."
Seriously... they have been fabulous to me... and obviously support our community... gurlfriend, they gave me a $100k Jaguar XKR convertible for the pride parade!!!... "Yes, they are gay-friendly!!!!"
(... bitch, I'd marry them for a new Jaguar!... haha)
I actually have my eye on the new 2007 Jag XK coupe. I wonder if they'll do a "Sterling Edition Jaguar"????
I think a "sterling silver" coupe w/ my logo on the side, 20in. polished rims, all white leather interior with silver tooling, polished stainless steel & crystal gauges, champagne cooler in the glovebox, MAC touch-up make-up kit in the armrest, custom pedals for high heels, and 23 vanity-mirrors!
... and of course, we'll need unlimited "valet service"!
... what do you think???
And there you go my dah'links... that was our Labor Day Weekend festivities ...which was followed by me moving out of my loft just 3 days later. Currently, I'm temporarily staying with some close friends out in the burbs in their lovely 4 bedroom home till I go to Miami in November... after at least a month there... you may see Miss Jessika making some very interesting
(... and extremely fabulous!) changes in her life... so stay tuned!!!
... in the meantime, let's finish up our tales from our various "Labors of Love" with all of our fabulous pictures to prove it !!!
"Love you all more than my luggage!!!"