Jessika Goes Lesbian

Fri. April 1, 2005 12:00 AM
by Jessika Sterling

Weeeellllll…dah’links…I’ve pretty much been up to nothing since Fireball...

..ok, thanks for coming…smell ya later!


Have you ever been really excited about going to a famous steak house…you’ve been just dreaming about this huge piece of meat for weeks…then, you finally get there …you order their super-huge, house-cut, prime rib…


(…for you fellow-blondes…that was an analogy, by the way…hehe)

Don’t get me wrong…I love my lesbian friends to death…I love my str8 girlfriends also …hell, I’ll probably end-up a woman someday…haha…but, as I sit here …anticipating an evening of teasing my new future ex-husbands…I find myself “stuck on the runway” waiting on a women ( again ) to either get dressed …make up her mind about something that makes no sense…get off the phone with her other girlfriend’s drama…or just plain show-up on time!

(“Gurl, you’re working my last nerve!!!”)

If you haven’t noticed…I’ve recently been hanging with “the girls”…and besides doing our usual of… shopping, seeing movies, having brunch, bitching about ex-boyfriends …bitching about ex-girlfriends…talking them out of some real fashion suicide-moments… and constantly telling them their make-up is just “ten shades of wrong”!

…I do tend to tease them a lot! (xoxo)

Seriously, they really are the best…I have a total blast the whole time…BUT, if I have to spend anymore time with a girl having a “flaky” moment...I’m seriously going to have a gay-PMS-moment!!!

( “Pissy-Man-Screaming”!!!)

(…sorry, I also just ran out of chocolate…and I’m really “snippy” right now!)

As David (Bumper Boy 1st-class) and I finally made it “out for the rounds”, and told the girls to meet us later, we were chatting about how hectic our schedules have been lately. From both of us being work-a-holics (…which is gay-code for…”if I don’t pay this credit card off in 30 days the Chase hit-squad will have my ass!”) to traveling to way too many towns with the only “oasis” is in those hotel bars themed like some bad dream from “Bonanza”…and then to finally have come to that age when we have two basic dating philosophies…

The Lazy In-fielder Mode…”if they don’t hit it right to me, I’m not diving for it!!”
Catch and Release…”hook’em…hold him up to your friends…then throw him back!”

(…Yikes, did I just date myself with that...and the old TV reference????…well, I know this will be a shock to all of you…I’m not 21! AND, I won’t tell you how old I really am …let’s just say I’m going with “28 with a straight face”. )

-Blonde segway-moment#1-

After watching way too many hours of “vegas poker”, “celebrity poker”, “girl’s gone wild, now poker”, MTV/Real World’s “let’s just pok’er, and her friends”, “I wanna lose my job, house , and life if I poker” info-mercials, and all the “I hate my job, I have no life, please kill me now…oh crap, the boss is coming!” online poker ads…

I truly believe that to lie about our age is the gay man’s version of “Poker”.

So, to expand upon my little blonde-moment, here’s my quick…

Jessika Sterling’s Official Age-Poker Thesis” for the gay man.

Basically, the concept here is not in the “hand your holding”
…but, “how far can you bluff before you get caught!”

To begin with…all those “I needed some time for me” discrete, weekend and lunchtime “spa treatment” getaways…where “things” are pumice-stoned, pebble-blasted, popped, pulled, pushed, padded, pumped, pinned, plastered, and paralyzed…Honey, those are the “chips”!

(..and we’ve seen the high-rollers out there haven’t we?…right, Ms. Joan R.?!…haha)

And, the “card tables” are all those dark, smoky gay-bars…where you think you know what you’re playing with… until they flip those “cards” (Guys) and turn on the lights (..or, unfortunately, you have that “hung-over…wake-up…roll-over…with the “cards still in your hand” the next morning-moment” ) and realize “Damn, I was looking for an “Ace-in-the-hole”…but, got a “Joker-high, straight-flush” instead!!!

One night stands…cruising the bars…hooking up…it just gets old after awhile. As you get older, and hopefully smarter, you sometimes want more than just “sex”. I’ve never really been a “momma gotta get her pipes cleaned” kind of girl…and I honestly prefer going on “dates” and talking…(yikes, did that just come out of my mouth?!!!)….lol. But, finding that “Mr. Right…not Mr. Right-now” is a real task …especially when you’re in the clubs so much…and “have two wardrobes”!(wink)

It’s very hard to avoid the…”Been there, done them” look on life…age and experience are really the only cure…(..or the problem)…and I find myself “folding” more and more. (…where’s my chocolate!!!!)

For all you professional performers out there, I’m sure you can understand…weeding thru the “deck” can be a real challenge…do I “play” this one… throw him back for a “better hand”…or did I throw away something I didn’t realize was a “keeper” and just didn’t “let that hand develop”…???

Hmmmm…In Vegas, they change the “decks” ever few hours…

“…and don’t we all need to “shuffle the deck” and let those “hands develop” more often?!”

[…Ms. Jessika wipes her hands…holds them up…”ladies and gentlemen, love ya,
…I’m out, thank you”]

(“…try the veal, I’ll be here all week!”)

-Blonde segway-moment #1.1–

In college, I used to mercilessly tease a fraternity-brother of mine with my favorite-line for all his little… “morning afters”, “haulting-blast of sunlight exiting the bar”, and “opening the curtains with a hang-over” post-hooked-up with some drunk str8 girl-moments…

“God’s flashlight!”

[…you look up…and see a head in the clouds, subtly swaying side-to-side, as if it was saying…”Hmmm, you’ve really stepped in it this time, gurl!”]


Our first stop of the evening was into my favorite “social oasis”, Sidetracks! After a “kiss-kiss” to my favorite “Bumperz-in-training” (Johnny, Juan, Vince, and Dave) it was off to “Rally the Bumper Boyz” already there. As the group formed, I started chatting with my “don’t you know who I am?!” bumper boy, JP (who’s also a bartender @ Crew), about how “cocktails” sadly seem to be the “nucleus” of most gay men’s life.

Isn’t it interesting how we drink for all types of reasons…to loosen us up, gather courage, talk gossip over, get-over drama, celebrate, say goodbye, cloud our judgment, or…shutting-up that annoying inner-voice telling me “he’s not your type, walk away!!! “

Good or bad…it really comes down to why you’re doing it and what type of person you really are. Some people are only “social drinkers” and that just happens to be the only bever’age [french-accent] available…some just need an excuse to decorate and put 3-kinds of fruit & an umbrella into SOMETHING…while others are just complete hopeless “basket-case-drama-queens” who need to escape reality…and make a scene on their way out…

(…remember, all this is not about me…I only drink for “accessory-reasons”!)

-blonde segway-moment #2–
So…for all you fabulously-drunken-messes out there who won’t shut-up and stop annoying the rest of us unless you have a cocktail to spill on everyone else not in your immediate conversation…here’s a few little concoctions JP and I suggest…

The JP and Jessika’s Top-Ten Drama-Queen Cocktails
1. “Man-hadd’em“…looked good when they gave it to you…
but, you’ll always regret it after.
2. “Tweekini”…Iced coffee and red bull w/B12 stuffed olive…comes shaken.
3. “Tina-tini”…you pay for it…everyone constantly wants a taste…
you get none…and the olive always has attitude!
4. “Crank-a-chino”…”Dark and sweet” at first….
but, leaves you “cold and bitter” in the end.
5. “Crystal waters”…tap water in a fancy glass for $15.00!
6. “Coc-a-cola”… Pepsi and a “bump”
7. “Sprint”… Sprite and a “bump”
8. “Big Gulp”….protein shake and a mint!
9. “Slurpie”…Same as a “Big Gulp”…but, comes bigger than you can handle.
10. “Shot”…don’t know what it was…didn’t see it coming…and for some
reason, left a salty after-taste????


After a few “catch and release” moments at Sidetracks…”Little Ms. Lazy In-fielder” was off to her favorite (Str8-friendly) gay-sports-bar, CREW!! (…to finally meet up with the girls!!!

With a few Bumper Boyz in tow…and a quick cab ride…we finally arrive uptown, proceeded by 50 simultaneous cases of whip-lash being administered upon me entering in my fabulous frock of the evening, my infamous thigh-high suede boots and leopard “pilot-dress” (”Pilot-dress” = “two inches below the cock-pit!”). After which, we awaited the arrival of our favorite visiting “lesbitarians” from Milwaukee, “Jeni-bean” and Sharon.

After 2-chocolate martinis…David having way too much fun messing with my boots (..honey, get a cat!..haha) …and recruiting Randall into the “Bumper Boyz”…the girls finally show-up!!!

Now, the only reason I even got in “gigs” this night was after the girls first met me the day before as a boy, and just had to meet “Jessika” before they go home. (of course!)

Yikes, did me being a girl that night backfire!!! Let’s put it this way…there’s a reason I try not to go near strip clubs and lesbian bars…

I turn into the “Gay-petting Zoo”!!!

Not that we all don’t love the attention…and I’m total flattered…but, girlfriend, parts of me will fall off if you tug on them!!!…haha

Anyway, we had a total blast…the girls were fabulous…and we just laughed our asses off all night long. And, look out for our sequel coming soon with the boyz and I making a trip up to Milwaukee! (..everyone say cheese!!!)

One final note, I wanted to give a shout-out to my favorite new …”Okla-homo”…and fellow dragtastic columnist, Miss Kandy Cayne. I recently got off my lazy ass to finally give her a little courtesy “drive-by hello” and was pleasantly surprised to find out she’s someone I need to stay in touch with…warped-sense-of-humored-blondes need to stick together…haha. It turns out that we’ve got some things in common to bitch about! (…men)

Plus, I totally love hearing the “grease” (diva-gossip) from other towns.
Honey, it’s my version of the soaps.

Go check the girl out if you’re in Tulsa…it’s not just ”steers and queers”, my dears! …She’s at Club Majestic (Sundays) and Renegades (Tuesdays)…and tip them!!! (…the performers…not the cows!!)


Well, there you go…a lot of crap about us not doing anything, eh?…haha

”Love you more than my luggage!!!”
Jessika Sterling

...and here are the pictures to prove it!