Jessika... and Bumper-Bowl 2005

Sat. February 12, 2005 12:00 AM
by Jessika Sterling

... are you a tight-end or wide-receiver?

“Don’t you know who I am?”

... as the drunk little debutante’s face careens off the back of the headrest in the middle her half-gainer w/ full face plant into the backseat of the police car….and the 3 exhausted officers look at each other panting as they mentally debate whether or not their pensions are worth giving her one last kick in face for biting each of them on whatever was hanging out as she was “forcefully persuaded” to leave the nightclub at 4am!

... I think back on how many times I’ve heard that phrase out in the clubs…..Hmmmm.

As I sit here (…eating chocolate) and stew over the little misunderstanding I had at one of my favorite late night stops over the weekend, I think about just how much I wanted to throw that line! But thank god I kept my cool….and let the seldom-seen owner have his power-moment as he made the Bumper Boyz and I wait at the door!

What was the point to things like that?…..for someone who has been a loyal patron….always bringing the party with her…to get that…well, dah’links… was a moment for sure.…breathe girl….breathe (…I’m kidding, by the way.)

How do we handle those situations…..have a big hissy-fit……develop a huge attitude ….scream at them…..beat him senseless with his velvet rope…..we’ve all seen it before….and we know we’ll inevitably see it again. Here’s some advice for all you budding divas and how to understand these situations…

“Honey, they DON”T know who you are!…..and they don’t care who you are!”

…they are club owners! If they cared about other people they’d be in the frickin’
Peace corps passing out rice and hugging their bible at night……all they care about is MONEY. The only way you are going to gain any VIP treatment is providing that establishment with two things….atmosphere and money. (….and possibly the occasional “favor” in the back….not!) You need to bring something more to the table here besides attitude and a loud frock, dear.

Now….how did I handle this you ask???…..well, of course we didn’t wait in line….the guys a couple people down waved us into their arms and in we go….as my favorite doormen profusely apologize for their hands being tied with this “situation” ….hmmmm…ok…I still love ya….xoxo

Once in…the Bumperz check our coats…as I watch the owner proceed to survey the action at the door and wave the occasional straight friend in…. I look for the moment when he’s alone….then I move. Making sure I’m looking my best, I walk up and in the most gracious/friendly tone….introduce myself. Believe it or not, but THAT'S IT… strutting…no ass-kissing…no backdoor dealings…..just go up and talk to them like a normal person. The last thing you want to do is put on this big fake diva-act! You simply go up and tell them who you are…. if that doesn’t work….it’s just not your place to be….the worst thing you can do to a club is.....not go there!

(”Karma” is an evil, vindictive bitch…don’t f*ck with her!!!…..oh, and she just happens to be my momma, aw’ite?!)


This last month has turned out to be quite the series of events…I swear I’ve been through the complete spectrum of contrasting emotions and experiences within these last couple weeks!!! From being the new “Media Goddess” for the upcoming Fireball…to spending way too much time IN A SPORTS BAR!!!….to celebrating the recent gay-rights victory in the Illinois senate….( checkout for Equality Illinois pics of the process and heroes of our fight!!!….thank them!!!! )…and finally catching attitude from the owner at one of my favorite clubs!….I just don’t know how to feel…how to dress…or how to bitch about anything anymore!!!…..I’m happy…I’m sad…I’m a jock-boy….I’m a diva-girl…I’m pissed…ahhhhh!

I think I’m just going to change my stage name to “Oxy Moron”…ok?!

[ blonde segway-moment #1 ]

I just love confusing people….. I think female impersonators are the symbolic representation of the term “contrast”…..but, on the otherhand, I’m also a professional brand stragetist+designer (…impressed yet?) and for all the fun I have with the breeders as Jessika…god knows they get me back two-fold when I’m “Jess” in the corporate arena.

Now, we’ve all heard our favorite little oxymorons that just seem to fit the bill, but really make no sense when you think about it….Jumbo Shrimp…..Pretty Ugly….Same Difference. But, here’s a few from my client’s that just make me want to put a Prada heel right between their eyes ….

Jessika’s Top-Ten Corporate Phrases

1. “My plans to be spontaneous fell-thru at the last minute!”
2. “Don’t you just hate it when people complain?”
3. “I need it yesterday!”
4. “If I had known you were going to do that…I’d have never told you to do it!”
5. “I don’t know what I want…but that ain’t it!”
6. “I want twice as much for half the price”
7. “The design would be perfect if it wasn’t for the client”
8. “It’s the same thing I wouldn’t have done... even if I did do it anyway!”
9. “My wife reads Architectural Digest…she should look at this!”
10. ”The only retainer around here is in my child’s mouth!”

[ back ]

Ok, now on to the fun things…..

Since my infamous time on New Years Eve @ the QE2 Ball….I have been blessed to find someone with quite possibly a more warped sense of humor…and quicker wit than your’s truly!!!

…WHAT?!….Jessika has finally met her match?!…..Hmmmm, could be!

Those of you who have read my articles on, must also read the fabulous words of budding superstar/smart-ass...and hunk….Mr. “Jason Paul”!!!!

His columns, “Riding the Velvet Ropes” , are without question the epitome of socialite schmoozing….the finer arts of the cocktail chit-chat….and truly establishes him firmly as Chicago’s very own out & about poster child for the phrase...
"Don’t you know who I am?!"

Having been a fan of his columns in not only ChicagoPride, but, Boi Magazine and a slew of other websites…. his is sure to be the beginning of best selling books…major motion pictures….six-figure deals….designer wardrobes…exotic sports car crashes…huge gay/straight gossip scandals…massive drug addictions….and the lose of every friend he’s ever known….go get’em, Tiger!!!!…xoxox

Well, my dears…I have absolutely had “the best time complaining about things” with JP…and in the short time we’ve spent, I already consider him a “close-friend”... and of course “Bumper Boy 1st class standing!!!

(….your evil henchmen uniform in coming next week…you wear a size “stud”, right?)

Furthermore, since JP just so happens to also work at a new fabulously… fag-a-licious… str8-friendly sports bar….and I happen to be an ex-jock….. Miss Jessika Sterling has been hanging out in the land of chicken wings…. fried cheese….spicy fries….and exotically bottled microbrews from every fucking german with a bathtub, half a box of cereal, and a loaf of moldy bread in their kitchen!!….(….so, how do you say “burp” in german????)

My dah’links…..CREW on Lawrence/Broadway on the northside of Chicago is something special……..I have had the best time there over the last few weeks! Steve and Brian, the owners, along with Jason, Zack, Joey, Matt, Sven, Damian, Laura, Todd…and everyone else I’m-too-blonde-to-remember-their-names….thank you!!!

The highlight of my little tour of contrasts and oxymorons has to be the first time I entered Crew. Now, first I have to paint a picture here for you….this bar happens to be right next door to the famous “Green Mill” jazz club… big fav with the late-night breeders, and always has a line going out the door once the big & little hands meet at 12.

[ blonde segway-moment #2 ]

How great is it having one of the oldest Jazz clubs in the world (…been there since at least the 20’s) right next door to a big gay-sports bar hosting their fabulous friday night naked “Hot Jock contest”?!…it’s even better when the “Millers” pop in for a quick bite, not realizing that there is such a thing as a gay-sports bar!!!!…..brings a whole new meaning to the term “End run”, eh?…hehe

[ back ]

Well, as Bumper Boy 1st-class David and I exit our cab at the corner….after making our usual rounds on the strip in boystown and me doing my “Media Goddess” thing by “getting my schmooze on” at all the clubs to promote the upcoming Fireball (…big kisses to the boyz at Sidetracks!!!!….HOTTIES!!!)….there’s about 50 feet of sidewalk between myself and the front door to Crew….and way too many khaki pants, bebe clothes, and razor-cut blonde hairdo’s for me to not “let them have it!” as I walk by. So, I let my leather jacket open….point the guns forward….pass my purse to David guarding my hind-flanks…and just put my strut into “glide-mode” ….of course, definitely showing off the newly purchased black ankle-boots with silver buckles….(…giving a wink or two on the way by)…...evil bitch…evil!

I got sooo many guys in trouble…..and a lot of bruised shoulders from their girlfriends/wives hitting them after my “drive-by”….poor babies….[sad puppy face]


Now, the best part was coming back for Superbowl Sunday. After having been there once again the night before as Jessika….and getting to know most of the staff and regulars there (Tony, Arnie, Jeremy, Corey & Mike..xoxo) I stealthily saddled up to the backbar as fratboy “Jess” in my sweater and baseball cap….unnoticed by the newly added Bumper Boyz from the previous night…..and well on my way to winning numerous free cocktails from all who insisted that they’d recognize me as a boy!….haha, silly faggots….you obviously don’t know who you’re messing with….burp!

Well, what a great afternoon of watching football (…welllll, at least I watched the commercials and critiqued the cheerleader’s uniforms!) making new friends, making my way thru Crew’s fabulous menu…..MINI BURGERS…HOW CUTE!!….I must have them!…..give me two of those…three of these…one more of that….oh, he’s cute…”have him shaved, washed, and brought to my tent!”…lol ….which also included some very heated debates on whether or not Hunky Mr. Brady needs to shave off his beard…..and followed by the highlight of me making fabulous cocktail straw jewelry for the entire waitstaff!!!!

…the Patriots won, right????

So, there you go my little tight-ends and wide-receivers….your “Bumper Bowl Report” for February……and here’s the pictures to prove it!!!

And make sure you join me in the VIP Lounges for a cocktail!!!!

“…don’t you know who I am?!!!”
Jessika Sterling

p.s. …”yes, we do, bitch…get to the back of the line!!!”



Miss Vicki Rene is a fabulous person, who I recently got to meet back in September/2004 and has a fabulous website of absolutely anything and everything you’d ever want to see or know about the art of female impersonation. Yours truly has been privileged to be in her “Showgirl’s Section/pg. 60” for the last few months and I’m greatly honored to have been awarded this placement on her site.

Please checkout her site and support the art!!!!