Jessika the Breeder

“Sooooo, are you a girl or boy ….are those real…..is that your hair….
where do you put “it”…..do you live like that…..how tall are you….who does your make-up….which restroom do you use…do men know…how long does it take you to get ready….ARE YOU GAY????”

The " Label "…..something gay-men refer to when it’s concerning their wardrobe …OR….a way to select one’s beer of choice by straight-men????

As I sit here watching one of my favorite movies…”The Birdcage”….I’ve noticed people, including myself (…as possibly a retaliatory-reflex), using this word more and more lately. Whether it be concerning politics, religion, or sexual-orientation…. …everyone seems driven to try to categorize other people in an effort to determine whether you’re one of us….or one of them .

(…and there is no “I” in US, but there is “U”…..and there is an “M” and an “E” in THEM….which is “ME”!…[puppy ear’s up]…..kind of makes your head hurt doesn’t it?…haha)

Everyone who knows me, knows that I’m not one to take anything too serious ….
and I’m the first one to make fun of myself…so, during this holiday season I’ve found myself hanging out with the " Breeders " more than usual….which has it’s good’s and bad’s…but, I’ve really realized just how me “getting in gigs” just completely messes with other’s perception of who you really are.

[”Self-reflection Barbie” looks in the mirror] (…pun intended)

A few weeks ago, the owners of a nightclub that I designed invited me down for some VIP fun. And by the way…Yes, I have a boy job…and most of my clients do know all about my evil twin “Jessika”. Now, given that…they also suggested that I should be a “boy” that evening….Hmmm, is that because this is a straight club….is it because it’s in “rural casino-ville” Joliet…..or are they afraid that after a few cocktails their
closeted-lust for Jessika will come out in front of all their friends?(…kidding)

- blonde-segway #1 -

Checkout WWW.SAPPHIREJOLIET.COM for the website, and my original design renderings!

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Anyway, with some Bumperz in tow, big butch “Jess” heads down south for an evening of cocktails, clubby clothes, and bad dancing. As we by-pass the line outside….escorted passed the ticket booth….and are seated at our reserved booth in the corner….isn’t it funny how within about 30 minutes of being there we have all of the hot girls at our table….trying to “covert” us! To say that the other “men” in the place were somewhat bitter….

Isn’t it also funny how after that evening the club wants us now to promote for them and do a “show” sometime! (…I guess we turned out to be the life of the party, eh?)

Was the evening caused by us looking like “someone”…or just acting like “someone”….was it the “Vibe” we created with “Hype”……or were we just “outed” coming through the door with a big “HEYYYYY”!!!!!….where’s my cocktail B’yotches!!!! ….and they all knew we were fun….but safe!…..????

Why do people gravitate to others…..because they feel better about themselves with them?……”Aspirational-influences”…..it always comes down to “I’m better than you!” OR “I’m better with you!”….think about this next time you’re at a club…or drag-show!

(..whoa…hang-on kids…Jessika’s going all Marketing on us now!…lol)

Before our little excursion down to Joliet, my friend Joey and I went to meet my friend Marina and her friends at a new tequila-themed nightclub in Bucktown. Both of us where dressed appropriately (...as we were in Joliet) and besides our own in-definable fabulocity , we really didn’t stand out. Now, believe it or not, I’m not one of those fags who “opens their mouth and a purse falls out” and with all the straight " Metro-sexuals " now….my ear rings, clear skin, groomed eyebrows, and gay-lighted hair were not looked upon as something to “clock me” by.

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Marina is my fabulous-little-hottie-Russian-" fag-hag ", and my current #1 " drag-hag ".
I’ve always found it funny how our friendship really started from our distaste for her homo-phobic/ass-hole (now Ex-) husband that we both worked with in the same design firm and pretended to like for the sake of “office harmony”….welllll, it may also be from my constant teasing of her Russian-accent with my impressions from cartoons like Rocky and Bullwinkle.

(…..”Dah’link…are you plot’ink no good for moose and squirrel?!”)

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And for those of you who don’t speak " homo "…”Fag-hags” are str8 girls who spend
ALOT of time with gay men and live vicariously thru us….and, “Drag-hags” are basically the same thing, but the gay men are female impersonators.

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For the first half of our evening, Joey and I were quite amused with the surrounding conversations of “…oh…my…god…I just got the cutest top at bebe last week!” as we both sipped our cocktails and sent mental-messages back and forth with a quick glance and slight raise of our neatly-arched eyebrow . But as the evening progressed, and we bounced back and forth within the conversations…that defining moment, as it always does…finally hit!

“Ohhhh…Jess is my gay-friend ….and…is also a female impersonator !!!”

Like saying you have three tits….the entire conversation swings right to us!

As the gentlemen in the group all of a sudden realize that for the last hour they’ve been talking about cars, sports, and “Chicks” to a " fag " …and proceed to excuse themselves to retrieve another cocktail or make a long-overdue trip to the restroom... the women of our little party just dive head first into my “Business”.

…and I get to hear all about their’s! (...yippee!)

Furthermore, with that snap of a heavily-jeweled finger…I became the " style consultant " to every women in the place….who have no clue about me….and for all they know, I could shop at Kmart and think “culture” means washing your hands after you pee.

So..the point of my little tale is????…. I recently made a return visit to “Saluud” for Matt’s Birthday party (Marina’s boyfriend who bartends there part-time)….

…..But this time as Miss Jessika Sterling!!!!

Ok, let me paint a picture here for you….imagine the most stereotypical , yuppie, metrosexual-infested, tendy-wannabe-designer neighborhood in your city….then add a club designed by the inspiration of my worst enemy…TEQUILA! And the worst part is that this place is actually very cool and I’d hangout there….damn breeders, actually do have cool clubs every now and then…lol

This all came about from Marina bugging me (…and bug’gink me) to make an appearance there for the party…especially since the gang enjoyed meeting me so much the first time I was there as a boy (..and I told Matt where his girlfriend learned all her sex tricks!..hehe)….so, after a prior engagement was finished earlier in the evening.. … then, trying unsuccessfully to talk some of my bumper boyz into venturing into " no man’s land " (wink)…and a quick touch-up stop at my place in between…
….it was off to breederville around midnight!

Now, I’m usually not one to travel anywhere without a few of my “Bumperz”, but I’m also not one to not be " reliable " …so, I said “screw it” and pushed onward solo.

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A word of advice….the next time you’re hesitant to try a new look….a new number…go to a new club…or just go out by yourself…..just do it! I can tell you from experience ….if you are not comfortable going out, sitting at the bar, or being in a dress in public (…provided you look good!)…by yourself….you need to think about why you’re doing what you’re doing. You should always do whatever you do..for you! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been depressed from friend’s last minute cancellations to go out…and being so mad that I said “fuck them, I’ll go out anyway!”…AND had the best time meeting new people because I was alone…self-confident…and approachable !!!

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Anyway, I jump in a cab and with two clicks of my designer strappy heels I arrive in front of Saluud. As a group of 20 or so of the well-dressed locals stand there along the rain soaked sidewalk on this misty Chicago evening…your’s truly cautiously exits her cab to find the doorman and club manager have been pre-alerted to my arrival.(…no shit!) And, they come-up with an umbrella to escort me right in…being the celebrity that I am…not!…and get this…they were told to look for a “tall, hot, blonde!” (LOL)

Well… gurlfriend ….when I walked into this PACKED club…and took off my leather jacket to reveal my infamous “silver metallic graffiti dress” (..yes, I know…I’ve worn this more than once this season…hey, diva-rule….aw’ite!)….the club literally STOPPED!

It…was…sooooo…funny! (…and fabulous !)

All the guys just had that look of utter-confusion….you know…that one of….

“DAMN, she’s hot…damn she’s TALL…damn, is that a dude?…but, DAMN, she’s HOTTT !!!!….I need to pee.

And the women are all looking at me like they’re smelling onions….(lol)
…..”just hate me, dear!”…haha (…..divas are in the details..aw’ite?!)
I..had..the..best..time!….everyone there was fantastic….the waitress even came into the ladies room to take my cocktail order!….I made a lot of new friends….not to mention getting quite a few new applicants for Bumper Boyz and Bumpettes!

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Speaking of which, I’ve been getting a lot of inquiries on what it takes to become a “Bumper Boy & Bumpette”. As you know, I don’t give out this membership very easily…”honey, we have standards to maintain”….haha (..I’m kidding by the way)
But, seeing as that our numbers have grown so large….and this only furthers my evil plans for world domination …..[maniacal laugh/twirl of hair]…..I thought I’d share some of our questions from the Bumperz screening process….

"Official Bumper Boyz Application Questionaire"

1. Do you own matching luggage?
2. Name six major fashion designers…4 have to end in “i” or “e”
3. What is the difference between Champagne vs. Sparkling Wine?
4. Does the term “trickle down” make you think of: a.) economics b.) the strip club c.) how you got the laughing Japanese guy on the floor ?
5. Have you ever used the dog, or a leather chair, as an excuse for farting in public?
6. Can you drive a Stick-shift?…if yes, does the term “four on the floor” turn you on?
7. Are you allergic to shellfish?
8. “Tighty-whities”, Boxers, Boxer-briefs, Thong, or “Commando”?
9. Chicken or Fish?….are you thinking food or sexual partner?
10. Do you use the term “Baggage” as an excuse to punish current boyfriends?
11. Do you consider the term “Ex” as anyone you've slept with more than once?
12. Do you consider the terms “Bi-curious”, “Bi-sexual”, and “Bi-me-another-cocktail-B’yotch!” as GAY?
13. Do you own at least 3 different colored belts?
14. Have you ever used a “power tool”? (..and no, vibrators don’t count!)
15. Do you define “Cuddle” as: a.) A deep, warm connection between a couple’s mind and body. b.) A disappointing sexual activity with no exchange of bodily fluids.
16. Do you correct straight people for using the term “go straight” while driving?
17. Have you ever used one credit card to pay for another credit card bill?
18. Do you consider “pumping iron”: a) Lifting weights b) repeatedly pushing the “steam button” to get that perfect hem.
19. Do you physically want to hurt “Jared” from the subway commercials?
20. GI Joe or Barbie? If GI Joe, “Did you own more than one, and why where they always naked?” If Barbie, “if she was so popular, why did you have to buy her friends?”
21. Do you believe in “Supply-side Economics” as the controlling basis to all world policies or are you more prone towards a free-market economic philosophy, which is based on banning a world-trade-organization as a governing body?
22. Are any of your toes “webbed”?
23. Have you ever awoke and screamed from a face in the pillow next to you…then realize it’s from you falling asleep in full make-up?
24. Do you look at “hot” guys as a potential- a.) “Mr. Right” b.)“Mr. Right-now” c.) Future Ex husband
25. Are you physically capable of entering a nightclub and/or fabulous event and: “creating a lane in front of…”, “protect the hind-flanks of…”, and “forming a protective social oasis around a diva” without question? Thereby, entitling you to full benefits including; “not waiting in line”, “always meeting that cute guy in the club that you were too shy to approach”, and “sharing in the fabulous lifestyle” of said diva?

Ok, now…review your answers….tally how many questions you answered immediately vs. how many you went back to….divide the first by 2….add 10…..now, throw all that away….look in the mirror…are you someone with their “shit” together?….ok, you’re in!

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Well…after our couple of hours of Saluud-cocktails (…burp), giving out make-up tips, fending-off the grabby drunk guys (..not the gay petting zoo, off!) flirting with the local police officers on hand (…almost had a good picture from that…sorry, he chickened out when his partner showed-up…damn) and unfortunately doing a few tequila shots with the birthday boy (…and I had a “day after” of not being able to feel my toes for 12 hours and wishing I could disconnect my head from my body while paralyzed on the sofa to pay for that!) …it was time to close the club…..but wait!….we are not done yet….

….Marina and Matt decide we are going to an afterhours club around the corner…

(….uh oh!)

Well, this turns out to be one of those really small, run-down, REALLY STRAIGHT, and really drunk kind of places….you know, the one’s with the neon Schlitz beer sign on the front...this had too be one of the tackiest places I’ve ever seen! Let me tell you, if I thought I got some looks going into the first club…girl, this was priceless!!! Usually my rule is...if I see guys wearing baseball caps and high-five-ing each other while waiting in line to get in…it’s probably going to be “interesting” having Amazon Barbie come strolling in. But you know what…this was a “what the fuck” kind of night…so in we go!

Priceless moments…priceless moments…of course, I was betting there were a couple chalk-outlines of bodies left on the beige linoleum floor…under the ten layers of vomit, dried beer, and god know’s what that hasn’t been cleaned off since the 60’s!!!

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…I swear, I’m utterly-amazed at how some bar-owners think that not washing the glasses, floors, and bar is somehow the equivalent to not cleaning your bar-b-q grill for more “taste”…..NOT!…..that’s how we all end up with a new-drag…..

“Ladies and gentlemen….live from Po’dunk Productions…I introduce to you…
Salma Nilla!!!”…..(….CORN?!..I don’t remember eatin’ no corn?!!!!)

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But..I’ll say this….that place was so tacky it was cool….you know, the kind of place you hear about in LA that people like Brad Pitt and Billy Bob Thorton go to to drink, and their publicist leaks it out to the press so everyone thinks they are normal and not so “LA”. To say that there were a few drunks in my new little dive-hangout would be soooo much of an understatement…I’m amazed that lighting a cigarette didn’t have the place explode with all the alcohol in the air.

Surprisingly, I actually had a really fun time there…go figure….and everyone pretty much had a clue that I was a little " different "….I’d like to think I was passing, but girl, I’m about 6’7” in heels…how stupid do you have to be???..haha. But, I have to tell you, I was extremely surprised that I could go into a place like this, just full of drunk guys and girls, not have one bad look and have everyone be really open-minded…..
….well, “shocked” might account for a lot also …lol.

Well, we didn’t get out of there till 4am and besides one drunk guy constantly asking me “are you really a guy?” about 20 times…I met a few cool people and was pleasantly surprised at how first-impressions aren’t everything….words to live by, eh?

…and here are the pictures to prove it!

“Be good…but if you are going to be bad….BE GOOD AT IT!!!”
xoxoxo
Jessika Sterling

p.s. Wondering why some of the words are bold throughout this article?
Take a piece of paper…write all of them down…as fast as you can, place a name of someone you know next to each….

….see how easy it is to “label” someone without thinking?! (…think about it!)

Sneeeeky aren’t I?…..watchout for us blondes next time…haha

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