Is Mike Huckabee a faggot?

Mon. February 9, 2015 12:00 AM
by Sukie de la Croix

The forces of bigotry will do anything to stop same-sex marriages. It seems that some people have an allergic reaction to love. Alabama State Senator Del Marsh recently told a radio host that he objected to gay marriage because of the cost:

"Let's face it. If gay marriage is approved, I assume that those types of unions, those people would be entitled to Social Security benefits, insurance. Where does it end?"

Where does it end? Where does it fucking end? It ends when you realize gay folks pay taxes too. In fact, our taxes are paying your wages, you half-witted dick-head.

However, the most common reason for objecting to same-sex marriages is an ancient tome called "The Bible." Recently, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee claimed that even though he opposes gay marriage, he has gay friends. Huckabee told CNN: "People can be my friends who have lifestyles that are not necessary my lifestyle. I don't drink alcohol, but gosh, a lot of my friends, maybe most of them do. I don't use profanity, but believe me, I've got a lot of friends who do. Some people really like classical music and ballet, opera – it's not my cup of tea."

Huckabee insisted his views wouldn't change "until he gets a new version of the Scriptures." "This is not just a political issue, it's a biblical issue," he said. "It's like asking somebody who's Jewish to start serving bacon-wrapped shrimp in their deli."

So Mike Huckabee's favorite book is "The Bible" and the rest of us are supposed to live by the rules inside of it. But what if your favorite book isn't "The Bible"? What if you're an adult and don't believe in God, or the tooth fairy, or Big Foot, or imaginary friends? What then? The Bible could never be my favorite book because it advocates slavery, the subjugation of women, and the murder of homosexuals. It's not an appropriate book for a civilized society. I also can't believe in a God who sat on the sofa eating bonbons, painting his toenails, and reading Teen Vogue magazine while the Holocaust was happening in Europe.

I believe that religion, like anal sex and listening to Britney Spears, is something that should be practiced by consenting adults in private.

The thing that annoys me most about Huckabee and his ilk is that I have a favorite book too. Mine is "Alice in Wonderland" but I'm not going into politics to force everyone else to like the book. Before anyone says Lewis Carroll's book isn't a philosophy, then I suggest you're not reading it properly. I've learned more about life from "Alice in Wonderland" than anything else I've ever read. Add to that the exquisitely-written life-lessons I've learned from other writers like Franz Kafka, Andre Breton, D.H. Lawrence, and Dr. Seuss, and the Bible looks like something that should be left next to the toilet with Simon Bond's "101 Uses for a Dead Cat."

Add to the mix of biblical blathering the fact that in recent years it's become clear that homophobic men are secretly gay. That means Huckabee's protestations about same-sex marriage are most likely nothing more than the confused ramblings of a damaged queen who secretly desires to be gang-fucked by truckers at rest stops. His supporters may do well to ask, "Is Mike Huckabee a faggot?"

However, the most troubling aspect of Huckabee's bigotry is that he cannot accept same-sex marriage "until he gets a new version of the Scriptures." This means he can never change his mind. At least Obama "evolved" on the issue of gay marriage. Huckabee has left himself no room to "evolve."

We all have prejudices and biases. I am myself "evolving" on certain issues. That's how we learn and change. On the subject of marriage, I openly admit that I'm uncomfortable with two circus clowns tying the knot. I know it's irrational, but I worry about kids brought up by parents wearing rainbow wigs, red foam noses, bow ties and sunflowers that squirt water. I'm also wary of two Elvis impersonators getting married ...and Trekkies ...and zombies ...and pirates ...and people who keep tropical fish.

But I'm evolving.