Jessika feels the heat

...or, is that heals the feet?!

I’ve decided the "Official Quote of the Fireball" for this year is...

"If I have to go up one more set of stairs in heels... I’m seriously going to kill someone!!"

Dah’links…dah’links…oh what a weekend we had…as I lay here on my sofa, cocktail in hand, and try to not move my toes as to bring on another foot cramp from three fabulous nights in heels…the Fireball has just left me speechless!! (…AND SORE…and not in a “good way”…wink)

-Blonde segway-moment #1-

Can they do foot transplants yet?…who the hell invented the high heel anyway? …AND, am I not frickin’ tall enough that I don’t need 4 more inches!

(…well, not in height…hehe)

As I’ve always said, ”It takes a man to wear heels for 8 hours & 3 nights in a row!! ...but, boy did I turn into a whinny little girl when I got home and took them off…screw sex …”JUST SET MY PIGGIES FREE!!!”

-back-

Where to begin…where to begin…well, for those of you who have no clue what the hell the Fireball is...or even a circuit party for that matter... Fireball is a HUGE, 3-gay (...opps, I mean “day”) charity event sponsored by the Hearts Foundation (www.heartsfoundation.com & www.thefireball.com) and is held in the most fabulous venues…and just bursting with HEAT! The venues are hot…the décor is hot…and yes, the men are very hotttt!!! ...AND, this year we had Kristen W and Ultra Nate’ performing!!!

(…I’m sizzling just thinking about it)

As you can imagine, I’m not really a “circuit girl”…I don’t drink that much, don’t do one-night stands (..anymore), never do drugs, and you won’t be seeing me dancing on a box anytime soon…but…I do appreciate the social aspects and spectacle of it all.

(...and I said spectacle... not testicle!!!)

Speaking of which, I also think "circuit parties" have really gotten a bad rap lately. There is so much to do and see... you can certainly find anything to suit your tastes…dance all night in a sea of hot sweaty menz... sit back and just watch... chat over a cocktail with fabulous men from all over the country….and definitely make a ton of new friends!!!... plus, support some great charity causes with your ticket purchase!!!

Trust me, I’ve been to a few, as a boy and girl, it’s a lot of fun... and it is not a sea of tweaked-out boyz having sex in the restrooms (...who wants tile patterns on their knees anyway?!!!)…that’s just propaganda from those bitter little queens who don’t have fun at ANY of the parties and need some attention by bashing the charity to whoever will listen to them. Here’s my advice, go judge for yourself ...give them a chance... honey, send me an email, I’ll take you in with my bumper boyz.

...if we’re there, how can it not be great?!

-blonde segway-moment #2-

Here are some of the prominent circuit extravaganzas around the world-

Fireball/Chicago (...hot, sweaty, and flaming... just the way we like it!)
Motorball/Detroit (…let’s see just how far these car seats go back, shall we?)
Black&BlueBall/Montreal (Oui oui…’nuff said)
White Party/Palm Springs (…white cotton tee = $20, designer swim suit = $200, me in a white designer mini dress surrounded by 2,000 lovely men = priceless!!!)
Winter Party/SoBe (…screw snow…play in the men! ...or is that the other way around???)
Purple Party/Dallas (…YYYeeehhhaaww!)
Blue Ball/Philadelphia (…I’d like the “Philly Beef” with nothing on it, please!)
CircuitAsia/Manila (…so, how many gay-sians can I fit in my luggage
to bring home???...sooo cute!!!)
Gay Day/Disney, Florida (…where everyone is f*ckin’ goofy!)
Black Party/NYC (…Heeey, how yu’ doooin”?)
Orange Ball/Amsterdam (Party on the dykes…hott damn!)

-back-

My preparations for the Fireball actually began wayyyyy back in December... and the Bumper Boyz were hard at work promoting it every time we went out…and boy did we get out… pretty much every weekend! This being my 4th year, and being their “Media Goddess”, the organizers of the event also made me an “official sponsor” this year!

The “Jessika Sterling and the Bumper Boyz” logo was not only on the websites and in the print ads, but it was actually projected on the walls at the event! …how cool is that?! (big kisses to Keith!!!) Nothing is better than having all the circuit boyz come up to you and say “We knew that was you by your logo!!!” …apparently, I have a distinctive pose and smile... god knows it’s not like you can’t see it in EVERY picture I take!

(Hmmm... I must have practiced that or something?)

Anyway... more important things had to be done first...

WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?!

This year’s theme was “The Great Chicago Fire”…oooook…something tells me that a queen didn’t come up with this...how the hell do I accessorize lanterns and hay?!!! Thoughts just filled my little head with...maybe a cow-print mini-dress w/lantern earrings?…how about a “Firegirl” w/ rubber dress, yellow thigh-high boots, and firemen’s helmet…hmmmm...I know!…how about a dress made from firehose wrapped around me and a bucket purse?!…damn, I only have a month…ahhhhhh!!!!!

Considering that I’ve been here before…and 90% of the crowd will be naked anyways (..oh darn!)...going to extremes with the hard-target shopping…raping & pillaging the fabric store….and “going medieval” on the sewing machine is not really where I need to go….especially since I’m just too damn lazy anyway.
[ yawn]

But, have no fear….momma did “go off” on her Saturday night/main event frock! Since doing a farm/cowboy theme seemed to be the direction to take…it just so happens that I have a little tan leather outfit sitting in my closet that I’ve yet to wear. So, with my brown suede thigh-high leather boots to kick things off, I made my way to my “accessory mecca”…the korean wholesale district!!!

(…I even know how to say “performer discount” in Korean, aw’ite!)

Ok…now, what to do with my leather bustier and mini??? Well, it has a fabulous center panel with a snake skin-style pattern …what if I opened the sides, added grommets, corseted it with leather string…get a fierce leather looped belt…some dangle earrings that look like fishing lures…breakout my brown feather purse (poof!)…and a Jose Eber-style cowboy hat with a custom “Jessika Sterling feather arrangement” to the front…VOILA!!!! (…all from Korea, of course!)

Then it’s on to Friday night’s frock…how about my Anna Sui hooker look?…being that the opening night “Ignition Party” was at the House of Blues. My lilac Tadashi dress, black thigh-high boots, gothic jewelry, and gothic cross necklace…all with alittle “Seoul” ! (..get it…Blues… Seoul…Soul….anyway)

[ …and a clue whooshes overhead]

And finally, Sunday’s closing party at the Excalibur nightclub was my tan vest, tight jeans, timberline high-heel boots, my cowboy hat again…and some fag-a-licious red/amber stone jewelry for a casual cowgirl look...plus the boots are really comfortable…and my feet will be toast by night-3…sooo, protect the piggies!!!

With fellow columnist JP as my hunky escort, and my official “boot wrangler” (see the pic)…we proceeded to Friday night’s opening event at the fabulous “House of Blues Nightclub & Hotel” in lovely downtown Chicago. With a sea of boyz lined up around the building on this cold night, Miss Jessika zooms right in…get’s her all access pass…VIP wristband…kiss-kiss to the Hearts gang …drop off my coat… quickie touch-up in the ladies room…go tease the str8 security guyz…a quick tour of the place….and we kick off the weekend of “getting our schmooze on!!!”

[release the pigeons]

-blonde segway-moment #3-

Being that we are all the “fabulously gay” who never miss a party, and always look fierce…I thought I should share with you some tips for the future and what you need to know for going out...

“The Jessika Sterling Official Female Impersonator Always/Never Do List”

1. ALWAYS BE PROPER- “Pull-in, Pad-up, and Powder down!” Shinny-faced, flat boyz in a dress, with a package, is not a “look”, dear.
2. ALWAYS RIDE IN STYLE- Take the boyfriend’s jaguar, or take a cab... getting out of the Honda in Prada heels kills the moment, hun’.
3. ALWAYS TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE RESTROOM, ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE’S A MIRROR AND GOOD LIGHTING- Doing the “pee pee dance” in public with lipstick on your teeth is not a pretty sight.
4. NEVER WAIT IN LINE- Extended time on the sidewalk leads to rumors, gurl.
5. NEVER PAY COVER/SHOW ID- Do we really need to pay them to see your driver’s license photo, Robert?!
6. NEVER BUY YOUR OWN DRINKS- Leave it the guy who’s been staring at you for the last hour to go get it…it will make his night! (...then go powder your nose.)
7. NEVER TELL THEM YOUR REAL (BOY) NAME OR WHERE YOU LIVE- It is lovely having guests, but stalkers can be inconvenient.
8. NEVER BE LEFT ALONE- You can only pose for so long.
9. NEVER CHECK YOURSELF IN PUBLIC- Honey, if it feels like it is out..off..crooked..cracked..shinny..smeared..sagging..frizzy..falling..limp..or loose..IT PROBABLY IS! ...go to the ladies room, NOW!
10. NEVER HURRY- Let them wait for you... afterall, you’re the one who makes them fabulous!

-back-

What a fabulous venue the H.O.B. was... and our “HOB-knobbing” thru the 4 levels of dance floors, cocktail lounges, and private opera boxes….plus, we even had the laser equipment from the “Pink Floyd…Duuuuude, I can’t feel my teeth now” light show earlier that evening…how cool it that?!… flaming AND special effects!!!

Not to come off as a ditzy blonde whenever I can help it, but I caught myself standing there mesmerized like a Jessika-mannequin quite a few times.

(…hmmm, maybe that’s why guys were periodically moving my arms around to different poses????)

I had a blast “schmoozing”...getting the security guy in trouble for not understanding what “all access” means (…kisses to David for making him cry) …looking for a victim to recreate the scene from “Showgirls” to give the bored EMT guys something to do...having way too much fun with the “Sticky Bottom” LCD cocktail gizmo (..and Frankie & Mark, the “Sticky Bottom Boyz” from Florida…xoxox)…hanging out in the volunteer lounge chatting (…which had a private bathroom…YES!)…hosting the fag-a-licious boyz from Denver and the other cities…AND, having a huge rumor mill start when everyone caught JP with his lips on my thigh-high boots in the stairwell!

(…he was trying to undo a knot, really!)

In addition to my reporting duties, I am also the VIP Hostess for the Fireball. This means it was my responsibility to make sure all the VIP guests knew where the VIP lounges were, and were having the best time possible…within reason of course…hehe. So, that meant that I was constantly taking the boyz up and down all night!

(..funny how that it’s my FEET that hurt from that…wink)

So, after a great opening night…on comes the main event at UNION STATION!
Believe it or not, the boyz threw the party IN the train station!!! It had to be the coolest party I’ve ever been too. The scale of it…the lights…THE MEN! ...fag-a-licious!! AND, I get to wear my leather outfit and a cowboy hat…yeahhhh!!!

[happy-patter clap]

After being picked up by bumper boyz 1st class TJ and Randy…we zoom downtown… drop me at the stage door…I pretty much “skid” down this half-assed ramp they had set up (…bitches, there will be girls in heels here you know, duhhh)…I check-in…big kisses to Jeremy and Soo the event coordinators…a quick stop in the powder room to primp…chit chat with the maintenance girls hanging out...then, hook-up with hottie-event lead Rick for my “all access pass” and escorted tour of the party (XOXO)…then it’s Jessika “getting her schmooze on!!!”

Now...let’s see what kind of trouble I can get into now…RALLY MY BOYZ!

[as the sound of the swiss alp horn echoes over the mountains!]…hehehe

Hey, the police! ...oooo, need to flirt with them! The volunteers ...oooo, gotta mess with them also... Kristen W’s back-up dancers! ...gotta get that...
What?! There’s a film crew here doing an indy movie! ...and there they are filming MY ASS while I’m chatting!

Ok then, I’ll take a picture of YOU…hehe. (see pic)

All of that was big fun... but, as I was clicking back into the volunteer area backstage for a little breather…guess who I end up chatting with???? …KRISTEN W!!! She actually noticed ME, and my outfit (..and that I’m a 6’7” blonde!!!) so we just started chatting. She is sooo nice and funny…she’s fabulous!!!…and aren’t her dancers just little horn dogs…hehe (….”Heeeyyyy”)

It also turns out that an old friend, Miss Delilah Bouvier, is also her make-up artist! But, I was thrown a little since I hadn’t seen “Franklin” (her as a boy) in awhile…I hate it when the bitches get me back with seeing them as a boy and I don’t know…and he is a little hottie also……so gracious…I love her.
(..by the way, my drag-mom, Gabby, says “HI”)

As you can imagine…I had way too much fun…I walked the party ALOT (had to show off those boots of mine!)…got ALOT of “wows” for the ego…ALOT of schmoozing in the VIP lounge…and acquired ALOT of new “Bumper Boyz”!!!

(…evil henchmen uniforms are in the mail, boyz!)

Sunday night was a lovely little casual affair…and after partying till 6 am the nights before…gurl, I need to unwind and relax! So, after my “wake-up martini” of a Red Bull w/ B12 pill olive, your fearless diva makes her way down to Excalibur nightclub (…only an 1-hour late…oopps), which is an old church, and basically spent the majority of the evening hanging out in the DJ Showcase lounge downstairs with all my boyz from the previous nights, just sipped my cocktail and chatted with my sweetie Johnny. Oh, and there was the occasional moment when I had to go play on the “swing” also!

Now, before you get all seedy on me, it’s only a cushy loveseat hanging from the ceiling…there was no leather or buckles!!! [spank..ouch!] but, we did play on that a lot…(..harder…push harder…weeee)…hehe.

Well, there you go my dah’links..that is pretty much our Fireball tale for 2005…I’m sure you’ll be drawing a lot more conclusions and starting a few more rumors once you see the shots we took, so here you go... the pictures to prove it!!!

AND...AND…AND…checkout www.vickirene.net...yours truly is… “Lady of the Month” for March/2005!!!…how cool is that?!

[..and the ego swells!!]

“Be good..but if you’re gonna be bad…be good at it!”
xoxoxo
Jessika Sterling

p.s. Big thank yous go out to all my new bumper boyz who just made my nights the absolute best…

Denver and the boyz from Denver
Joe and the Wisconsin Boyz
The Minneapolis Boyz (….”cowboys and cocktails” on the patio…yeeehaw)
The Texas Boyz (…we like’em big, eh?)
My Favorite “painted lady” and the boyz from Chicago (who I keep bumping into in the restroom)…I worry about men who have more make-up on than me!
Nenad w/ the Chicago Transit Police and Security (The Nenad Squad!!!…all hotties!!!)
The Boyz from St. Louis
The Boyz from Tennessee
Artie from QE2/NYE (…Tux vs. No shirt..hmmm, tough choice….I like you naked!)
All the Chicago Boyz in the VIP Lounge
Zack and the hotties from Crew (Todd and his abs…you’re in the next article, stud!)
Randall and the Boyz
My VIP Volunteer Hottie Toma and his sidekick.
TJ and Randy
Russena and Vanity (..my fellow Diva VIP Hostess’ with the mostest)
Victoria/Chris and Greg (…I told you your feet would hurt in heels all night!!!)
Brookie @ATP and her hunky Boyfriend (..keep an eye on him girl!….Mmmm)
Mikey/Evian (…soooo cute!)
My hunk from Sidetrack Johnny…xoxo (Dave, Vince, and Juan you’re in the next column!)
Florida’s “The Sticky Bottom Boyz” Frankie and Mark (..we had fun with those didn’t we?!…hehe)
My fav bar-stud and his crew (..we had so much at Jean’s party also…call me!!!)
Emilio and his camera (…sooo much energy…I’m exhausted thinking about you)
Steve @ ChicagoPride.com (…the best!!!)
Ryan & Micah @ Dragtastic.com (…I owe it all to them!!!..xoxox)

Of course, Jason Freeman (my favorite evil henchman) and BOI Magazine
(“don’t you know who I am?!”)

And all the Fireball crew-
Rick, Todd, Dennis, Ralph, Darrell, Will, Soo, Jeremy, Amy, Geoff, Kris, Chris, Matt, David, Jesse, Neil, Cheaney, Ed, Scott, Jacques, Gary, Nenad, DJPlez,
DJ Brad M, and everyone else I’m too blonde to remember their names…xoxo

…and to Keith, honey, thank you so much…good luck in Florida…I’ll miss you…xoxox

HEARTS FOUNDATION…YOU ARE THE BEST... SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!!!