Jessika and the Darkside

“A long time ago…in a showbar…far…far away…..”

Who of my little Dah’links out there bought the new Star Wars DVD boxset???

(…and no, “boxset” is not referring to two str8 girls in matching outfits!)

Ok…I’ve admitted more than once…I am a sci-fi geek! And, since I’m a total DVD junkie also (60” tv, surround sound, and 300+ dvds) I’ve been waiting for this for soooo long, and now it is finally here….and I’ve been going over and over it for about 4-days straight!

(….boy, heard that before….hehe!)

Have you ever noticed the similarity between the whole “Jedi Order-thingy” and being a “Female Impersonator”?…….Well, since this last month has been quite the interesting series of events…from going to Sound Bar….to Crobar…the famous Chicago-latin “Mega-Mall” (…or as we affectionately call it….“The hoochie-mall”) and finally, my intro to the EMPIRE OF CHICAGO. All this has kind of had me in that frame-of-mind…..

So, let’s take a look at this, shall we?

“The Official Jessika Sterling Jedi-Drag Thesis”

Every young “padawan learner” has a Jedi-master to show them the ropes and get their asses out of trouble….now, our new little female impersonator, a “pad-a-butt” learner (..hey it fits!…think about it) has her Drag-master, their ‘Drag-mom’, who teaches them never to wear blue eyeshadow and the wonders of “duct tape”.

The “Force” is kind of that “Thing” some people just have….you know, being able to accessorize anything….never caught without lashes or finger nails….you know…”STYLE”.

Now, for you shady-bitches, there is the “Darkside”. It’s that pure streak of evil that we like to call “DRAMA”!

(“Lukweda….feel the drama running thru you….now push that bitch down the stairs and let’s go eat!”)

*blonde segway #1*

On the “Style-force” side….how many us have been in a shoe store with your friends….and you see the most fabulous shoes ever to grace your fag-a-licious tootsies….and your friend beats you to them? That’s when we all go into our “jedi mind-trick” mode isn’t it?

*subtle squint, slight hand jesture*

(“You don’t need to see those shoes…these aren’t the shoes you’re looking for….you need to let your friend have your new prada purse also ….move along…move along”)

…then you show up at the register later with those same shoes…hehe

(“Ohhhh, well, they weren’t right for YOU dear”)
*fake Brittany Spear’s smile*

-back-

Now in regards to the “good vs. evil”…..we all know that there certainly is that out there in the showbars…and why do you think we have things like the “designer outlet malls” (good)…..and Kmart?…(pure evil!)

The “Darkside of Drag” is like all those “Lukweda Streetwalkers and her hootchie storm-troopers” out there, doing nothing but causing drama everywhere they go (…checkout Belmont Ave./Halsted at 4am…or any Miss Continental Prelim.)….proclaiming their fabulocity to all, and having none…trying to recruit every little budding diva….just so they can take advantage of them, and keep them only “so good”, under the guise of “learning the craft”…..not!

(“Bitch…go get me white castle and an orange fanta, aw’ite!”)

Now…on the other hand….we have the good side….like MEEEE!
*sorry, diva-moment*

“Jessika Sterling and the Bumper Boyz”…..only using our talents for truth, fashion, ….and fabulous cocktails! (…”Obi-wanna-cocktail”)

(…hey, I only drink for “accessory-reasons”…hehe)

Our little band of rebels (bumper boyz) stay away from drama….we believe that the better YOU look…the better WE look….we shop in groups and seemingly have a “sixth sense” about finding bargains and hidden caches of fabulous size-10 strappy dresses with a matching scarf.

*blonde segway #2*

Speaking of which, I made my first real trip to “la Gara Gigante”

(And yes…I speak just enough “Span-glish” to get me punched in the face.)

Now…these are the giant wholesale fashion “Mega Malls” throughout the city that are quite the experience for this little suburban girl from Detroit. Luckily, my mommy, Miss Gabrielle Giovant’e, was my tour guide….she knows how to say “Don’t sit on the jaguar” in Spanish.
(…that’s not a metaphor….lol)

It is truly amazing when we shop together….we always seem to stumble onto the most fabulous things….unfortunately, most of the time I’m the one looking for something specific, then finding the absolute perfect outfit…for like $40….and it’s only in Gabby’s size….CHINGON!!!!!! *me getting slapped in face* …and of course she buys it…then wears it out “tipping around”…with me….and at some point in the evening she has to say…”Hey, isn’t this that dress you found?”

*evil jedi mind-trick to have her boob fall off in the bar*

(“Yes dear…and it’s lovely on you.” *fake Brittany-smile*)

Ok…back to the story…

This mall is amazing….I’ve never seen so many cute little dresses for like $40! This place is also full of cheap watches….shoes…kids toys… music ….and accessories.

(…and don’t we all need a new “Prado” handbag?)

Now, if you can deal with being the only “gringa” in the place…and can last 3-hours of Paulina Rubio in Spanish…you’ll love it….and actually get a pretty good chuckle out of it.

I love the latin culture…it’s all about being fabulous…watch the soaps on telemundo sometime…those bitches are not afraid of a
cosmetic[surgery] or a low-cut dress….”Cabrona!!!”
(Daniella Romo is my favorite of all time…DIVA!)

*blonde segway #3*

In addition, the “knock-off” toys had me on the floor…I never knew Mattel made a Spanish lover doll for Barbie?…..you know, he’s “Frenando”, wears D&G, has a mustache & ear-ring…..drives a little toy lime green mustang car w/spinner-wheels….and when Barbie’s not around, and after a few drinks, has been seen with Ken!
(….”toy-box?”)

-back-

Anyway, after a few laps of the place, climbing behind three racks of dresses going up 20 feet (…and trying to remember the Spanish word for I need a “Pole”), crawling under twenty rows of jeans, and hip-checking one fat woman…..I found two fabulous dresses…perfect for my little shindig at my Bumper Boy Jean’s house party the next evening. *and Miss Jessika “Blanca Fresca” Sterling exits the “barrio” in triumph….lllllaaahhhh!!!*

(..ok, should I be doing the “yellow fanta girl” for Halloween now????)

-and, on with our tale-

Jean is my french-canadian-architect-friend, and it was his 30th birthday!!! So, his hubby Jack decided we should have a surprise disco-themed party…and why not?!

Now, the two things I love about Jean is…he’s as tall as me (…I feel petite around him…hehe) and when he talks French! (“…it’s like wiping your ass with silk”)…..I am such a sucker for accents…especially French, English, and Australian! *…moist*

(….and yes…I do know the difference between an Aussie and Kiwi accent….but I won’t tell you how I know…
…trust me, there was no “shrimp on this Barbie”, aw’ite?!)

So, I decided to wear my new little red number (“la rosa fabulosa”), my fabulous new tan ankle-strapped heels from Saugatuck (“snazzy beige, dahling”)….with tan Gucci(-esque) purse (“G.U.C.C.I.,b’yotch!”)

Tan and red, you say???

…trust me dear….the “force” is strong with me.

With the silver accents…and the dress being so striking….tan is a perfect neutral. (…are you listening my young “pad-a-butt learners out there?!”)

My sidekick of the evening was, of course, my favorite accessory…bumper boy first-class….Brian!!!! (…don’t his eyes match my ear-rings perfectly?…xoxoxo)

Well, we show up right at the moment(…fashionably late of course) they are bringing out the cake! As Jean is standing with his back to the front hall…I walk through the curtains and give him a hug right at “Happy birthday to you….”(..god…the force, girl…the force!)
The looks on all his straight friends as I come up behind him…to his surprise….too funny! But totally unplanned…just dumb-luck!

*….spotlight swings on Jessika once again…blinds her…falls off stage*

I was having so much fun, we ended up spending the entire evening in the kitchen with four of his friends (…and the help) and just drank and laughed all night….funny how the whole party was in the kitchen after awhile???? I was also having my fun with the guys, teasing them and getting them to pose for this article’s pics (see photos below)…can you tell we had fun?….by the way, the “balls” are disco ball necklaces everyone got.

(..lol, none for me.)

Now, the other events worth chatting about are our excursions to Soundbar and Crobar with friend Demanda Bump (xoxo). While waiting for her to do “god knows what” to get her ass ready...(..love ya girl, but let’s move it already…my ice is melting!) Bumper Boy Brian and I met the newly crowned “King of the Empire of Chicago” during the Lauren Jacob’s “Charlie's Angels show” sunday night @ Charlie's.

Now, seeing a man dressed in a white suit, ruby-stoned shoes, gold jewelry, and a crown…caught my attention. (Not sure if I can deal with a man wearing more jewelry than me?!..hehe) But, his Highness Mr. David James was fabulous to chat with…and we learned all about this wonderful “Empire..” charity organization…I highly recommend everyone to look into their events and support them…it’s a great cause.

Besides….how can you not love anyone who wears a crown?!

Well…on to Sound Bar and Crobar…..

Now…for those of you who are used to Crobar’s sunday “Glee Club” from a couple years back….well…let’s just say….now it’s…”girl, love the outfit…love your shoes….hope you win!….ok, where’s my cocktail?”

…..what happened to sunday nights in Chicago????….please bring back the “Glee Club” and learn that gay-night means GAY night….no more stupid, drunk, wannabe breeder “trikzies” from the burbs please….god, I was OD-ing on Bebe clothing and Jennifer Aniston hairdos!

(…is there a burberry-clad “pod” in the parking lot body-snatching everyone???? )

-Ok..I’m back from my own little “snotty-land” now…sorry-

Sound Bar….had an event with Miss Shirley Q. Licquor, a rather “large” white man dressed in black face/drag and talking like a “southern-sunday-go-to-meeting-black-woman-from-alabama”….oooo…k.

*head-tilt, ears-up, blank-faced puppy look*

…VIP’d in….chatted with the owner…for like two seconds….nice…
cool bathroom….played hide & seek with a friend’s psycho-ex (be nice…be nice…the force…the force…)….”over it” all…..taxi!

Ok…on to Crobar…..

…got VIP’d in…chatted with the door-divas….ran into Drag-diva Miss JoJo for a few (…bitch, is that a spike in your nose?!…ouch)….dodged a few of the blonde-lesbian strippers (..or “just drunk”) from VIP’s nextdoor (gurl, I’m not the gay-petting zoo..OFF!)…had a cocktail…or 10…..

..and “ok people…that’s a rap!”…..I’m done….*snooze*

NOW…the good part….finally, eh?

The Bacardi Promo-Party at SIDETRACK!!!!…YEA!!!!
*releasing the pigeons!!!*

Fabulous…fabulous…fabulous! “Miss Bacardi threw-down” last weekend. This party was full of their promo-crew in white pleather outfits (very femme-bot-like) and besides one of them liking me “too much” as we came in (…gay-petting zoo…) we had big-fun!

Me and about a dozen or so of the Bumper Boyz were there and we were just bouncing off the walls being little social butterflies. Plus, we all got really cool yellow watches & a grab-bag (“weeeee, new toys!”)….and had way too much fun doing our “wonder-twins” impressions all night…hehe

(…”WONDER-TWINS POWER ACTIVATE…form of…a Malibu/Pineapple Cocktail!!!”)

“The frock dujour” was my “Anna Sui-hooker-look”…why?….eh, felt like being slutty that night…lol

Let me tell you….I think it was safe to say everyone liked my lilac “Tadashi” mini-dress, gothic jewelry, AND black thigh-high leather boots!!!

(…sushi anyone?!)

Big kisses out to Greggie, Art, Kyle, Jason, Flaky-Dave, Ben, Carrie, Mikey, Marcus, Chase, Johnny, Miami-Ray, John, Larry, Ricardo, Tim, and the newly added bumper boyz who joined in that night!!!

The evenings festivities ended at our usual…..Charlies!
(…cab…vip the line…cocktails….sit…pose…chat) AND, I met a real cutie who actually said I look just like Miss USA 2004! *twinkle*

*blonde segway #4*

Who saw Miss Universe 2004 a few months back? When Miss USA came out (tall, blonde, hair flipped to side) and did “the pose” on tv….

*head-tilt, arm on hip, twinkle-smile move #7*

I had like 10 people call me!….”Bitch, what are you doing down in Equador?!!!!”

…and, I’m not going into the drama of Miss Australia beating her…..
*not going there…not going there….breath in…and out*

-back-

Well, we had a fab time…as always. Met two new guys, one who is in marketing and the breeder-pageant circuit (…real girls) and another who is a former Mr. Gay USA runner-up….and get this….both are taller than me!!!!!…the only time I’ll feel good about being “shorter”…lol

I’ll let you know how this turns out later….
….“My little luggages of love”.

and now...the pictures to prove it!!!!!

xoxoxo
Jessika Sterling

Remember…
“Style goes into luggage…drama comes from baggage!”

View this travel's photo spread...

This article originally appeared on Dragtastic.com. Republished with permission.