Ashy No More

Dear Nivea Lotion,

Your empty promises of long-lasting nourishing 24hr moisture has fallen on dead skin. My skin is neither supple nor smooth. Instead it's withered, lack-luster, and got more flakes than Kellogg's Frosted Flakes. And trust, ain't nothing GREEEEEEAT about this skinuation. I first noticed my dry skin when I was working out at the gym in my short shots.

I was appalled. I was taken back. I was in complete dismay. As someone who prides himself in staying oiled up, particularly in the winter months, I simply could not fathom that this unfriendly Casper of a leg belonged to me. Not only were fellow black people giving me the side eye, to be expected, but also even white folks were noticing! There is an unspoken rule among the black community that when white people start to notice any of the following: lack of edges, ashiness, or ocean front linings, then the situation has become dire and emergency actions are required to restore peace. Needless to say, I cut my workout short, and left in utter embarrassment. I feel betrayed. I feel cheated. I feel like I was lied to, and most of all, I'm fucking itchy!

"Gurl you know that stuff is water base and not made for black people!"

- Anonymous

"You use Nivea!? Bye ashy!"

- Anonymous

"Why don't you use Palmer's? It's better."

- Anonymous

"LOL." (Pointing and laughing)

- Anonymous

The above are just a sample of the things my friends have said to me after learning I used Nivea lotion. They pleaded with me to use other brands such as Aveeno, Palmer's, or Curel to name a few. But no, I was staying loyal to your ass and now literally my ashy ass is paying for it! For over ten years I tried compromising with you. I'd invite other lotions into our bedroom to see if it would last. Nope, still ashy. I'd lather up in baby oil gel after a hot shower just to make you ready for me. Five hours later. Still ashy. I'd even do a second coat with you. Nope, still ashy. You've exhausted my skin cells and bank account. Needless to say, you are a needy, lousy excuse for a lotion; I'm not taking it no more. I'm done. My ashiness is over and so are we Nivea.

Sincerely,

No Longer Ashy