Don we now our gay apparel

…the holiday adventures of Jessika and her Bumper-Elves!

Well my Dah’links….has everyone survived the holiday season…
…..was your Christmas joyous and GAY???

…Oh, and for all you PC-Diva’s out there….did we all have a happy
“Christma-kwanz-annaka”?

What is it about the holidays and dressing up? Have you ever noticed how pretty much ever holiday or festival has some sort of appropriate costume to wear?
…not that I’m complaining.

- Xmas has red and white “Santa-couture”(…are elves an accessory?)
- Sweden’s “Festival of Light” has white robed, virgin girls with candles on
their head (….well, I’m not a virgin, but I am flaming…..does that count???)
- Carnevale’ in Venice has the “mas-queer-ade” and ornate costumes that
make everyone look like Christopher Radco Xmas ornament.(..’nuff said.)
- “The running of the bulls” in Pamplona/Spain has the white outfit w/red scarf.
(“….so, how do you accessorize a bull horn up your ass?”)
- The tomato festival in Butel/Spain, “The Tomatina”, is no clothes!
(...10,000 naked Spanish men smearing tomato on you….just call me
“Jessika Marinara!!!)
- Gay Pride is anything Rainbow (…well, and no clothes also…wink)
- “Fourth of July” is red, white, and blue. (….and everything is flaming!!!!)
- St. Paddy’s is anything green (…and no, the vomit on your shirt don’t count,
buddy!)
And of course there’s... Halloween ...which in my neighborhood has all the straight boys dressing up as ugly women! (….all I have to say is ….”painful, dear.”)

But wait…that’s not all…..we even dress-up our homes!…..flags, lights, wreaths, flowers, signs, paint, landscaping….heck, we’ll even do reconstruction for the right occasion……kind of like “Architectural-Drag” isn’t it?

(...they don’t call it “Homo-depot” for nothing!)

Anyway...

As this holiday season comes to a close and we pack up all the tiffany and waterford crystal tree ornaments, I thought I’d share with you some of my escapades and thoughts on the holidays.

Let me begin with, I come from a very swedish-family….and celebrate most of the holidays with my mother’s side of the family, and all the blandness of our scandinavian heritage ….let me put it this way, our family is so white that if we were any whiter we’d be transparent. (…I swear our ancestral color must have been beige!) As you can imagine, I am pretty much the “pink sheep” of the family and it’s been up to my mother and I to come up with some fabulous traditions in our family to celebrate the holidays…with a little style, of course.

-blonde segway moment #1-

For those of you who don’t know much about my “pedigree”, I was raised in a fairly affluent suburb of Detroit and trained in the “diva-arts” by a fairly foo-foo mother…you know, the kind of mother who made you take “english horseback riding lessons”, along with sailing, tennis, skiing, swimming…and taught you the important things as a child like how to open a Marshall Field’s charge account, always coordinate you belt to your shoes, start on the outside and work inward with a formal table setting, and never..never put out the waterford crystal with spots!!!!

(...that happens to be a “hanging-offense” in my family…haha)

As you can imagine, the holiday season is a very special time for me, and you learn the importance of celebrating the holidays…correctly!

Example of correct-way:

" Diva’s seven course holiday meal " – appetizer, soup, opening entrée, main course w/prime rib and trimmings, salad, dessert, and closing port/coffee.

Example of incorrect-way:

" Redneck seven course holiday meal "- Tray of beef jerky and a six-pack of Budweiser!

-back-

One of my favorite traditions is with my mother and I going to the opera to see the “Nutcracker” …..men in tights….what’s not to love?! Now, opera attire is a tuxedo, white scarf, and cashmere overcoat or designer gown with fur coat. But, showing up in jeans and a bright red sweater with a big reindeer and glowing nose on the front is probably more appropriate for the “Butt-cracker”. Furthermore, a green sequined gown with the words….”Ho Ho Ho” in red rhinestones across the ass and flashing santa earrings is also a “no no no”.

A few weeks later, we would get together with my aunt and cousin and see the “Rockettes Xmas Spectacular” at the Detroit Fox Theatre….and I would be lost in the dream of being the “blonde-third-from-the-left” on the kick-line….and afterwards buy my niece (...and myself) an official ‘Rockette Barbie Doll” for her stocking.

-blonde segway moment #2-

By the way…my cousin is gay also..AND plays the Wurlitzer theatre organ for the Fox Theatre…..”cuz, it takes a gay man to work an organ that big, aw’ite?!”….haha)

What are the odds of two sisters (my mother and aunt) each having two children….one year younger than me and my brother, and each three years apart….the oldest is gay….and the younger married with daughters?!

-back-

Now, the attire for a late matinee show is a designer sweater, dark slacks, casual dress shoes, and cashmere mid-length coat w/ scarf, or red pantsuit with white full-length cashmere coat. But, showing up to the Rockettes in a red/green shirt saying “Kick it, bitch!” and asking the concession girl if she can fill your big gulp cup with egg nog “‘cuz, it mixes good with jack!” is probably going to get you a front row seat on the sidewalk.

And finally, we have our large family dinner on xmas day…..and after loading up on swedish meatballs, ten things with Lingonberries in it, and swedish butter cookies (…mmmm…sorry, I’m having a moment here)… my mother and I would drive down lakeshore drive in Grosse Pointe and wonder at how someone would go to such an extent to have the “biggest light display” that they’d need a diesel generator in their frontyard to power it!

….”Honey, Canada called…can you turn your frontyard down alittle…they’re trying to sleep across the lake!!!!”

(….it’s kind of like a cute girl in a little black dress w/poinsettia and petite diamond stud earrings next to a 300lbs drag queen in a liquid-beaded red/green/purple gown, gold-glitter eyeshadow up to her forehead, and a white curly up-do that has a santa sleigh rotating around it!)

So, in the spirit of my Detroit holiday traditions….I decided that Chicago needed “Rockette Barbie” to come visit all the fabulous little Bumper Boyz and Bumpettes this year. And, seeing that I was invited to Crobar’s birthday bash for famous Chicago DJ Teri Bristol, I thought that some of my “Xmas Bumper-Elves” and I should make an evening of it. And what better occasion to show-off my new crystal-fox trimmed rockette outfit w/ black thigh-high leather boots?!…and yes, those are crystal xmas ornaments as earrings, dear!

(…and you’re supposed to kiss UNDER the mistletoe in my cleavage, honey….haha)

With DJ Psycho Bitch spinning, a few songs from Georgie Porgie, and cocktailing in the Crobar VIP lounge….it was ffffaaabbbuuulous…..but, having 50 little circuit boyz constantly wanting to “sit on my lap and find my north pole” got alittle tiring
…….”Ho Ho Ho!

The next xmas event to attend was my very first trip to the southside of Chicago, 131st street to be exact, and “The Edge” nightclub in Blue Island. Meeting us there were none other than cuties Ryan and Micah from Dragtastic and Ryan K. as the “Official Dragtastic Bumper Boy Photographer” for Miss Sassy Trade’s Xmas show. My outfit for this little expedition into the hood was a newly acquired festive-latina-hoochie-inspired frock direct from Chicago’s “La Garra Gigante’” district.

Looking like I just stepped out of a Telemundo soap opera…”La Gringa Blanca’s Holiday Spectacular” (Mira…where’s Don Francisco???) made her entrance to find a reserved table up front in probably one of the nicest little clubs I’ve been to in quite some time. You can read the show review on Dragtastic ( “Miracle on 131st street”) and special thanks go out to show director Lindsay, Sassy Trade, and all the people at the Edge for a really fun time. (…burp!)

-blonde segway moment #3-

Now, the other interesting thing is that we went down there during an ice storm and I learned two new things….one, is that when you’re wearing heels and hit a patch of ice you don’t really care how many people you have to take down….they are going down before you do!….and, with a good first push-off, you can just slide right across the ice in style….”Queens on ice”…tahdah! (..10.0…10.0…9.8….10.0….9.9…10.0!!!)

(…playing hockey in my butch days has its advantages, aw’ite!)

The second thing is, silicon is a pretty good insulator….but…bitch, don’t push your luck…it will freeze eventually…..then you got two blocks of ice taped to your chest for the ride home!!!! (…burrrrr!)

-back-

Ok…now the highlight of the ‘Bumperz Holiday Season”……NEW YEAR’S EVE!!!!!

Oh my god…I had the absolute best NYE ever!!!! Yours truly was invited as a
“chicago personality” to be an official hostess for the QE2 ball at the Sofitel/Chicago . This was a fabulous formal affair sponsored by Chicago House , ChicagoPride.com , All Terrain Productions , and a few more lovely organizations and held in the ballroom of the coolest modern-french hotel in downtown Chicago.

Having done events like this in the past, I knew that booking a room in the hotel was the way to go…since “Tipsy Barbie” is not what we wanted for the new year…and starting the new year off with all of Chicago saying…”did you hear about Jessika…?” is not going to happen (…..unless it ends with “…and she looked fabulous”
of course…lol). Being able to check-in early…take a long leisurely bath, flirt with the cute hotel staff, order room service, and watch a movie in bed prior to “painting-up” then “partying-down”, just starts things off soooo lovely…don’t you think, dah’ling?

(“…oui…oui… it is like wiping your ass with silk!”)

Now, the frock of the evening was my black Pamela Dennis, full-length, plunging-necklined gown….with two foot train…Laaaaa (..release the pigeons!!!!) And, since this was a “mas-queer-ade” ball….I just happen to have a real venetian carnevale’ mask that made even the pushiest-fag go “B’yotch…that is fabulous!!!!”

Not to let all of you down…I also had on my 3 in. rhinestone ear-rings, 8-carat diamond ring to show off the french-manicure, diamond bracelet, diamond necklace w/chain that goes into my cleavage, black strappy heels w/diamond clasped bow to show off the french-pedicure, and topped it off with a black mink purse …..VIOLA!!!!

(….I also did a costume change after midnight into my latina-hoochie dress for more festive late-nite activities…but of course!)

With a full dinner room of gourmet cuisine served by the sofitel chefs, ballroom dancing, cabaret lounge with the fabulous Honey West singing, and adjoining cocktail lounge….it couldn’t have been a better setting for Miss Jessika Sterling to “get her schmooze on”…and gurlfriend, we did!

A big spotlight goes out to the fabulous bumperz of the evening Greggie (bumper 1st class and my escort), Brook (ATP), Steve & Dan (Chicagopride), David (Fox/News),
Art & Jeff (A&E), Emilio, Jason, Rick, Delilah, Circuit Mom & Dancers, Honey, and David & the Boyz….also the makers of the “QE-tini”, official drink of the QE2 Ball…..thank you for making the evening sooo FAG-A-LICIOUS!!!

(….as I’ve always said…”I only drink for accessory reasons”…and don’t we all look more fabulous with a cocktail in hand?!)

One of the funniest moments from this extravaganza was at the end of the evening.
After some post-party fun, I jumped into the shower to wash Miss Jessika away….all of a sudden there comes all this knocking on my door. In nothing but a robe and soaking wet…I open my door to an entire hallway filled with all the boyz from the party, who just happen to have rooms on the same floor!!! Well, their first reaction was shock …thinking that either they got the wrong room OR Miss Jessika was still “getting her schmooze on” (..honey, don’t go away mad…just go away!!!)…..but, in the group was none other than one of my official bumper boyz, David. Well, he proceeds to tell EVERYONE....”Hey, it’s Jessika as a boy…everyone look…look!!!” Nothing is better than having 20 guys all see you soaking wet and naked in a robe….not!!!
….but, who am I to not “go with the flow” …so I towel off…and party on!!! I felt like the broadway-diva coming out from her dressing room to the adoring fans…robe and all. (…wave..wave)

(…furthermore, we were definitely keeping track of the robe staying secure…..
or it was….”Can I stir that drink for you?”…hehe)

Now…the big diva moment of this whole affair is when I was checking-out the next morning…..apparently, pictures and reports of the party got around to THE ENTIRE HOTEL STAFF…..so I now have the maid, bellmen, front desk girls, doorman, and valet telling me “Oh…we know you!!!….you’re that tall blonde from the party!!!”
..and I’m wearing a baseball cap, sunglasses, fleece top, and jeans…..how the hell did they know???? …must have been the damn paparazzi again!!!

…the life of a celebrity, eh? (…in my mind…..haha)

For 2005, always remember the Diva’s motto….

“Style goes into Luggage…Drama comes from Baggage!!!”
xoxoxo
Jessika Sterling

…and here are the pictures to prove it!

-BREAKING BUMPER NEWS-

OH….AND BEFORE I FORGET, MY DAH’LINKS…IT’S FIREBALL TIME AGAIN!!!!

ONCE AGAIN, I’LL BE YOUR “VIP HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTEST” FOR FIREBALL/2005!

CHECKOUT WWW.THEFIREBALL.COM AND WWW.HEARTSFOUNDATION.COM FOR ALL THE INFO YOU’LL NEED TO GET TICKETS.

THE MAIN EVENT IS GOING TO BE AT UNION STATION…WITH KRISTEN W PERFORMING!!!…(…NO SHIT!)

….COME AND “FEEL THE HEAT WITH JESSIKA STERLING AND HER BUMPER BOYZ @ FIREBALL/2005!”

THE HEARTS FOUNDATION IS A GREAT NON-PROFIT CHARITY….YOU NEED TO BE THERE!!! CHECKOUT DRAGTASTIC.COM AND CHICAGOPRIDE.COM FOR LAST YEAR’S PICTURES FROM FIREBALL/2004!!!

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