The Top Ten Douchiest Gays of Chicago

If you're out and about, partying with friends, dating, working at your job, hell even just going to the grocery store, you've probably had the unfortunate, ill-fated experience of meeting a douchebag. Unfortunately, if you're living your life you have to navigate or worst condescend to interact with these community of sophomoric people who consider Ed Hardy vintage couture and think it's alright to bring Svedka to house parties – everybody hates that guest by the way. Albeit an unnecessary evil, douchebaggery knows no limits and crosses all races, classes, genders, sexualities, political affiliations, and the like. In particular, there's been a dreadful influx of douchebags that have set up shop in Chicago's renowned Boystown neighborhood.

I've been actively going out in Boystown since I was 21-years-old. Now, at 27-years-old I have accumulated six years worth of experiencing, observing, losing brain cells, avoiding, cringing, and more all over Boystown's douchebags. I love Boystown, especially on Sundays. The douchebags have to go though. The neighborhood does seem to attract a certain type of douchebag that would parade around in H&M and try to pass it off as Saks – the pretend fabulous. I'll delve into that more later. I miss the good ole days when most douchebags were quarantined to Division Street for nightlife outings. However, as we all sadly know, they're everywhere. I'm not saying that douchebags aren't found on other scenes and neighborhoods. I've spotted an unhealthy share of douchebags on Hubbard Street in River North that stay with a freshly, popped collar. But since the gay men's community tends to do everything on a larger and grander scale from our lifestyles to our relationships at times, this heartbreakingly, regrettably, and inevitably means we have bigger douchebags as well.

So, in no particular order, I decided to list our community's adorable little mistakes that bring down the social value in Boystown. To upstanding citizens that know how to act in public, the list is a mere file of categories that labels the distasteful unfortunates that infest Boystown and probably other neighborhoods. And to those that fall prey to such douchebag behavior, let this list serve as a service journalism piece telling you about yourself while letting you know that you don't have to be a douchebag, it's really not too late to stop. In fact, please stop.

The Pretend Fabulous

This douchebag thinks he's fancy because he parties downtown and enjoys $10 bottle service at Mini Bar; not that I don't have love for Mini. He also enjoys the most exclusive in RSVP events that are open to the public – the kind where a mere email gets you on the list. His pretentious demeanor is only out shadowed by his diluted sense of access. Sweetie, merely walking down Michigan Ave. or being pictured in CS magazine at some boutique opening that was already open to the public does not mean you're sitting at the table. He probably lives in the suburbs and stays with friends that have nice apartments in the city. Do not be fooled by his talks of his fabulous lifestyle or his Facebook check-ins at the newest places downtown. You too can go, just RSVP.

The 35-Year-Old Twink

Hang it up. Hang it up, Hang it up! This douchebag is well into his 30s, probably pushing 40 but still thinks he's a fresh college grad – assuming he graduated. I absolutely adore older men and have no problems with older dating younger. But there's a fine line between being young at heart versus trying to relive one's youth. Guys over 25 don't bother with your advances; he likes them very young and maybe still in homeroom. He maintains a strict gym regimen that only includes cardio, too much muscle ages him, exclusively shops at Hollister and Abercrombie & Fitch, and works some mysterious club promoting job that allows him to go out five days a week. As if that wasn't enough, he thinks Britney Spears should run for president and has dreams of opening up a hair salon or boutique one day – even though he's never cut or styled not one person in his life. If he offers to take you out, save yourself the trite meal at IHOP and keep it moving.

The Academic

I just love a brilliant mind – it's sexy! However, this douchebag completely forgot that the whole point of education is to help people not to use it against them. It's true that he probably graduated from an Ivy League school or some other smaller liberal arts college on the East Coast, and he will surely never let you forget it either. Because he's lacking in other areas, he'll hide behind his education and will be that guy that will talk foreign policy at Hydrate – on the dance floor nonetheless. He'll have a reason, statistic, and mathematical equation of why guys reject him time and time again. Of course it's not his academic superiority complex and approach – never. Send this douchebag back to school to learn some social skills and free yourself of his holier than thou academic attitude.

The Sidekick

This annoying little pest is usually the unfortunate looking friend of the hot guy that is trying to talk to you in the club. Obnoxious in personality, he thinks he is being funny but really he's being just another douchebag. He for sure has a crush on his hot friend and will stop at nothing then to prevent you from hooking up with his hot friend crush. He'll conveniently position himself between you and his friend on the dance floor, consistently interject himself into other conversations, and will try to cover up his sub-par, shameless antics with buying shots of bottom shelf liquor – the worst. Hot guys are a dime a dozen in Boystown. So, find another one that has a witty wingman and not a sloppy sidekick.

The Homo Thug

Ugh! Attention all homo thugs, blasting rap as you drive with your seat back in a cutlass does not make you straight or give you any type of street cred. This douchebag wouldn't dare step foot into a gay establishment, since you know he ain't on dat gay shit man. He has a girlfriend and probably sings better falsettos in bed than her since he's a power bottom. His connection to the gay community is through Grindr, Adam4Adam, Manhunt, or any one of those gay social networking sites. He likes to keep things on the down low and in his profile claims he's a top. Ha! Don't bother with him. In fact, roll him a fat one, give it to him and tell him to get off that straight shit already man.

The Halsted Street Socialite

These douchebags are very popular in Boystown because they either work on Halsted Street or frequent the bars so much management has approached them for stock options. Those, not all by any means, who work on Halsted Street are douchebags of a different variety. My parents taught me that no matter what job you work from cleaning the floor of a place to owning it that you should approach it with a sense of pride. I firmly believe this and still follow this rule today. Therefore, I love seeing bartenders, doormen, bar backs, and managers excited about their jobs and performing it efficiently – and for the most part I've had pleasant interactions with them. But there are a hand full of employed douchebags that truly believe they own the venue where they are working at or even Halsted Street for that matter. Oh, I'm sorry, last I checked you were just sitting people down for bottle service, not paying the rent for the place. These douchebags are the Halsted Street equivalent of the Pretend Fabulous because they use their perceived fancy social scene and work environment as a way to mistreat people. Sorry to say, but get acquainted with these douchebags because in ten years they will be working the same exact job.

The Grindr Geek

This douchebag is actually more of an addict, but still a douchebag. He has profiles on Adam4Adam, Manhunt, OKCupid, Craig's List, probably a few on some other social networking start-up sites and mobile apps for each, but Grindr is of course his first choice. He's familiar with the guys of Boystown strictly by their online profiles and his longest, most intimate relationship lasted for about 200 characters. No need of trying to avoid this douchebag, he's on Grindr on his phone anyways.

The Mean Girl

This douchebag never has anything positive to say and hates on everyone and everything. Boystown is his high school, and he thinks he's Queen B. I'll bet everything that he was bullied in high school and his schoolmates never let him forget how different he was; classic case of mistreating others because you were mistreated. He thinks it's cool and chic to shop at Armani Exchange and will oddly enough judge others based solely on their fashion labels. He's obsessed with being popular and will take pictures with hot guys just to show off his "popularity". He hangs out with The Halsted Street Socialites and mistakenly admires the pseudo-sophisticated lifestyle of The Pretend Fabulous. Avoid him at all costs.

The Jim Crow Supporter

I'm sure all my fellow gay men of color have had unlucky run ins with these douchebags. The Jim Crow Supporters thinks it's appropriate to tell racist jokes, have the tactless talent of insulting anyone who's not a white man, and probably doesn't find the ideology of separate but equal as a problem. He doesn't think he's racist because not only did he vote for Obama but also his parents donated to the United Negro College Fund. Don't bother trying to explain the error of their ways to these simpletons. It would be like explaining trigonometry to a grapefruit. However, if you have the over arching need, and I understand, to engage one in debate you'll have to over look their less-than stellar back woods pedigree. Good luck on that one.

The Gym Rat

The Gym Rat isn't a douchebag because he goes to the gym and is in great shape, but because that's all what he's about and for him that's what all you should be about too. They travel in packs and drink water and vodka with a lemon twist. He could care less about which name brands you're wearing, unlike the Mean Girl, and is much more concerned with what's underneath, which isn't a problem at times but again that's his only concern and agenda. Anything less than a gym membership at Equinox or David Barton will send him running for the hills. If you can get pass the bicep and strength workout talks, they might be a fun hook-up. However, the yarns and lost of brain cells might knock you out the mood. Do stay in contact with him for that guest pass at David Barton, but that's as far as it should go.