Jessika’s Bush…Bibles….and BOO-mper Boyz!

-screen fades up…and our story begins-

[rapid eye movements]

…the sun begins to rise on a brand new republican-Wednesday morning….the polls have closed…and CBS/News is still waiting to call a Bush-Victory from the state of “Denial”…

…little Jessika...child of a proud republican-stockbroker-father (..not!) ...is in a tight, little fetal-position…all snug under her pristine, 600 thread-count, ultra-white linen bedding…. her perfect REM-sleep glides thru thoughts of her walking naked to a poll-booth in sunny-Florida….visions fill her blond-head of…poking some “Chads”….catching some “Rays”…and avoiding anything to do with “Bush”! (..wink..wink)

….am I still sleeping????

[voice from” Big Brother” above]

“Jessika…Jessika…wake-up, sweetie….”

“….It’s a new day in 1984….”

“…now, put on your plain-blue suit w/ red power-tie….eat your star “spangled-eggs” & “freedom fries”….grab your bible/day-planner….don’t forget to brush your mind clean of all those immoral thoughts….so you can go out into this glorious world and “trickle-down” on all those poor, unfortunate minorities…..and make sure you “blow-something-up-for-freedom” so we can give the reconstruction contracts to your father’s country club buddies…..smooches…xoxox

[…..then I wake-up!]….or did I?

GOD, I need to go buy some new shoes and eat some chocolate after this last week…ahhhh!!!

I don’t know which is worse….

[Jessika ”Legally-blonde Barbie” Sterling getting on her diamond-studded soapbox]

……“Rural Ignorance” or “Religious Conservatism”?????

Coming from suburban-Detroit, I’ve had the pleasure of witnessing some amazing moments in “ignorance”. And, wasn’t I the lucky-one to have grown up in the same hometown as such great role-models as…Eminem…Madonna…Kid Rock…and Ted Nugent?!…..who seem to individually represent those fine american-values of…

If they don’t agree with you…..“Piss’em off!”…..”Screw’em!”….”Fuck’em!”….and/or “Shoot’em!”

But, can you blame them…when they come from a state who’s mascot should really be the “Jackalope”!….and the motto…”No matter how far away Bush is …it’ll get screwed eventually!”

-Blonde segway #1-

By the way, for you city-folk…..a “Jackalope” is the infamous redneck-michigan-inside joke, resulting in an actual stuffed-trophy-head of a rabbit with deer antlers mounted on pretty much every rural Michigan bar/home wall. (get it?…rabbit… antelope(deer) …mating???….anyway…[…and a “Clue” whooshes overhead])

-back-

So, when we all saw the entire Heartland of America “go red” tuesday night, unfortunately, I could understand why.

Hmmm, with one of the key issues being “Morality” (gay-rights), maybe we should
re-name the central USofA the “Heartlessland”…or how about the “Hurtland”????

[….hear that “six pack of prejudice” opening????]

My friend Ken brought up a fabulous idea….since “we” are banned from getting married….why not also ban “Divorce” for straight people?!

Honey, ‘dem breeders took a vow…in a church… to god!!!! The straight-religious-conservatives are so quick to give me god’s opinion when it’s my turn to be in the spotlight….well darling…guess what….it’s your turn now!!!

(…think about this for a moment....it’s kind of been like the religious version of
“…can’t see the forest thru the trees, isn’t it?”…lol)

With this in mind, I thought I’d give you a little visual aid with a few snap-shots from home and our tour of the polls across our lovely central united states.
(see redneck pics)

-Blonde-segway #2-

During my halloween-fun with my Bumper Boyz, and given my background of coming from a protestant-republican family….living near a jewish community….next to the highest population of arabs outside of the middle east….going to a private catholic school(..for sports!)…then, working in the “area with the highest income per capita in the usa”(..auto-industry money), and having a professional career in marketing………
I had an interesting conversation on politics, religion, and the media with a priest w/ a 2ft. sequined penis and a guy in a George W. mask & no pants at the bar Saturday night. As we all drank our shots of “blow-jobs’, we found it amazing how with the right amount of media “spin” you can pretty much sell anything to anyone. …right or wrong!

This got us thinking…..of all those lost opportunities throughout history. So, here you go my little intellectual-luggage’s-of-love…..I present to you my extremely politically-incorrect media concepts in what I like to call the…

"Official Jessika Sterling Top-Ten List of Historically Political & Religious Marketing Ideas Lost"

Ok, I know…I’m going to hell for that…*G*…
But, wait….I’m GAY…I already have reservations! …..AND….I’m a “Boi-in-a-dress”!

[The Devil at the red velvet rope line into Hell]

“Well, well, well…Miss Jessika Sterling….you’re on our VIP list…
….come right in!”…..cocktail?

(…I didn’t know the devil owned a blue suit?…wink)

-ok back to business-

(sorry…I needed to vent there…I feel better now…lol)

ANYWAY……

Who had a “Fag-a-licious Halloween Weekend” out there????

Was it just me, or did it seem like this year nobody really got into it? …Hey, I’m not complaining, just more attention for us!!!…haha

Well, have no fear my dah’links….your “Ankle Jess” has taken charge this year
[and the ego swells]

-Blonde-segway moment #3-

By the way…“Ankle’ is what my little diva niece calls me since I’m her “aunt” and “uncle” = “ANKLE”.

I’m also her “Fairy God-Father”…as my family puts it!…lol

-back-

And now…finally….I present to you…

“The Halloween Adventures of Jessika and her BOO-mper Boyz!” ( see pics )

The ‘Big Spotlight” this year goes out to Bumperz-1st class…..Kyle, Joe, Dougie, Mikey, and the gang for a group costume that had me laughing so hard I about “threw-a-tit”!

Ladies and gentlemen…[spotlight swings around]….”The Richman-Fine Girls”!!!!

Ok…are you ready for this?….*G*….my boyz went as various forms of tv’s Linda Richman from SNL’s “Coffee talk” and “The Nanny’s” Fran Fine, Sylvia Fine, and of course…Grandma “Yeta” Fine!!! Oh…my….gawd…..they had every detail just down to the “T”……the rhinestone sunglasses….gold ear rings…even french-tipped nails….[slight tear of joy]

“Sweetie…boobalah…it was like being in Boca…at a 1/2 off sale…in Nieman’s…
then getting invited to “nosh” with Baw’bara!!!” (….budda’!)

….”I’m getting all verklempt here”…

[pinkies out…hands fluttering]

…tawk a’mungst ya‘selves….

….I’ll give you a topic….LOEHMANNS…. is neither “Low”…nor a “Mann”…..discuss.

Ok, now on to MOI….I know this will be such a surprise to you…but…this year, I did my homage to my favorite pagan-idol….BARBIE!

(…she’s kind of like a Jessika Voodoo-doll……don’t you think?…lol)

The first-frock of my 3-day halloween extravaganza was “VERSACE PIRATE BARBIE”.
This consisted of my patina-gold “Donatella dress”, red velvet sash, black thigh-high boots…and along with my famous drag-mom, Gabby, as a sexy Egyptian…we had enough gold jewelry...swords...glitter…and miscellaneous “bling bling” to make
P. Diddy go blind!!!

(“Gurlfriend, Cleveland called….can you turn the outfits down alittle?!!”)

I figured since I was, somewhat, familiar with such things as….
“hiding your jewels”….’burying your chest”….or “pulling your sword”…
…it became obvious that I was perfect to be this fabulously-female…
…dashingly-gay…designer-piratess…

”THE SWISH-BUCKLER!!!”

[…and Jessika swings across the stage…right into the drapes…FOOF! ]

The second fabulous-fright night-frock was, by request, my infamous
“DIVORCE BARBIE” (..she comes with all of Ken’s accessories!) This consisted of my silver-metallic Betsey Johnson dress, pink pumps, pink plastic jewelry, pink Barbie back-pack (..for Ken’s stuff..hehe), and Barbie price-tag off my cleavage!

(…..hmmm, two-for-one sale?)

My fabulous accessories for the weekend were bumperz…Miami-Ray (..from Miami), Marcus (..my fav pocket gay-sian), Ricky, and Blair….along with “bumping” into Greggie, Andrew, Demanda, and the gang at Charlies (xoxoxo). As always, we had BIG-FUN at Sidetracks and Charlies…and to John, my darling door-hottie…yes, we need to have a cocktail soon, stud!!! (wink)

And finally, the absolute highlight of the weekend was Miss Lauren Jacobs just
“Letting them have it!” at Sidetrack’s “Night of 100 drag queens” show
and again at Charlie’s Show Sunday.

She did such an amazing performance of the Wicked Witch from the broadway show “Wicked”…GURL, the crowds were “expelling flying-monkeys out their butts!!!” …FABULOUS…FABULOUS…FABULOUS!!!

Well…there you go my little “Halloweenies”…
….my holiday-tale of “Bush…Bibles…and BOO-mper Boyz!”

…and here are the pictures to prove it!

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“Be good…but if you are going to be bad….BE GOOD AT IT!!!”
xoxoxo
Jessika Sterling

p.s. Oh…and if you’re wondering what my “Trick or Treat” was this year….
My “Trick”….was my infamous bar-trick of tying a cherry-stem into a double or triple knot with my tongue….and tightening it!….Big deal you say?!….well, the “Treat” is me putting it back in mouth….then un-tying it….TAHDAH!!! [Price-is-Right-showgirl-pose]

(…the blondes’ got skills…aw’ite!…hehe)

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