Once again, the old calendar has rolled around bringing us to that special time of year. That’s right young one; Turkey day. The mother of dysfunctional holidays. A time for frustrating last minute trips to the store, for that forgotten item. Fighting between relatives, and ending with the all glorious of events, the old men undoing their pants. So they can breath from the glutinous field day, they allowed themselves to partake of earlier in the day.
Yes, Turkey day… ah the memories, and therapy bills. Something one can ever get enough of. Well, this year, as every year past. We assure ourselves will be different. We begin to feel nervous the week of the dysfunctional wreckage awaiting us. While we are trying desperately to find an out. Offering to work for the boss, looking for friends in need, of some desperate calling that mothers guilt will not be able to break though. Alas, we shall end up sitting there realizing the danger we are in due to genetics.
This year will be different as you are evolved, and no longer, one of the players in this dysfunctional game of family roulette. You simply will refuse to participate. Make the scene, give some Hollywood kisses, and be on your way. That’s right, plan your out early, and refuse to give way. Wear your beeper, take your cell, and be ready, as your friends shall be calling.
While, this may seem harsh, and for those that love turkey day with the family, have a good time. However, for those ready to see another side of turkey day, on your mark boys. Have your friends call your cell and pager at the same time. Hence giving the full effect of a true emergency. Answer the phone, ( for all you Joan Crawford followers, here is your chance), Exhaustedly gasp at the horror on the other end. “Oh my god, he did what? Did you call 911? Well, I am on my way, what hospital did you say?” Hang up without saying goodbye. Give the performance of a lifetime, allowing your family to believe there is a tragic accident that requires your presence. Now, we know why they go to medical school boys and girls.
Rushing to your car looking as if someone has shot the dog, do not let go just yet. They are watching from the window, confused and shocked at the departure of their captive this November Holiday. As you pull down the street, roll down the window, and breathe that in-baby. It is Freedom; you made it out. Pop in your copy of Cher, and head to where the boys are. Making this your first real holiday in November, in merry old Gaydom. Not since your first kiss have you felt such satisfaction. Why you almost can hear heavens choir singing in the background. Victory is yours, leaving you safe yet another year. Mind you, this is a one-time tradition. It is allotted to each queer person. One tragic out for the family holidays. You do not want them thinking you are a drama queen now do you?
Remember the importance of follow up. If you allow them to discover your plight, you will never hear the end of it. It will not be funny to anyone other than you and the girls. Therefore, doing some little white lie follow up, is necessary. After all, you want to avoid being known; as the man that ditched the family. Write yourself a note to keep your story straight, and not make any foul errors. You know how mother is. That woman can put any private eye to shame with her skills as a detective. Isn’t it almost eerie, every time you have a trick over she is ringing you on the phone? Make sure you cover your assets after turkey day, while shopping with Mother. After all, we ant to be good sons, even if we are fabulously bad.
While you can hear the groans of disapproving family men everywhere, remember this Mr. Brady. Not everyone is blessed with a good family; hell is anyone for that matter? If you are, thank the gay gods above. As it is truly, something that rarely exist in this day and age. Most trips home leave a foul taste of guilt with a side of straight drama, which is truly Grammy quality.
Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good time…
by Michael Hinzman
© Michael Hinzman, All Rights Reserved
Michael Hinzman A writer, determined to make a difference in his own community first. Utilizing life experience and education to enlighten and entertain. Michael can be reached at mickalobe30@aol.com with comments and feedback.
Related: 12/03 Homo for the Holidays
Yes, Turkey day… ah the memories, and therapy bills. Something one can ever get enough of. Well, this year, as every year past. We assure ourselves will be different. We begin to feel nervous the week of the dysfunctional wreckage awaiting us. While we are trying desperately to find an out. Offering to work for the boss, looking for friends in need, of some desperate calling that mothers guilt will not be able to break though. Alas, we shall end up sitting there realizing the danger we are in due to genetics.
This year will be different as you are evolved, and no longer, one of the players in this dysfunctional game of family roulette. You simply will refuse to participate. Make the scene, give some Hollywood kisses, and be on your way. That’s right, plan your out early, and refuse to give way. Wear your beeper, take your cell, and be ready, as your friends shall be calling.
While, this may seem harsh, and for those that love turkey day with the family, have a good time. However, for those ready to see another side of turkey day, on your mark boys. Have your friends call your cell and pager at the same time. Hence giving the full effect of a true emergency. Answer the phone, ( for all you Joan Crawford followers, here is your chance), Exhaustedly gasp at the horror on the other end. “Oh my god, he did what? Did you call 911? Well, I am on my way, what hospital did you say?” Hang up without saying goodbye. Give the performance of a lifetime, allowing your family to believe there is a tragic accident that requires your presence. Now, we know why they go to medical school boys and girls.
Rushing to your car looking as if someone has shot the dog, do not let go just yet. They are watching from the window, confused and shocked at the departure of their captive this November Holiday. As you pull down the street, roll down the window, and breathe that in-baby. It is Freedom; you made it out. Pop in your copy of Cher, and head to where the boys are. Making this your first real holiday in November, in merry old Gaydom. Not since your first kiss have you felt such satisfaction. Why you almost can hear heavens choir singing in the background. Victory is yours, leaving you safe yet another year. Mind you, this is a one-time tradition. It is allotted to each queer person. One tragic out for the family holidays. You do not want them thinking you are a drama queen now do you?
Remember the importance of follow up. If you allow them to discover your plight, you will never hear the end of it. It will not be funny to anyone other than you and the girls. Therefore, doing some little white lie follow up, is necessary. After all, you want to avoid being known; as the man that ditched the family. Write yourself a note to keep your story straight, and not make any foul errors. You know how mother is. That woman can put any private eye to shame with her skills as a detective. Isn’t it almost eerie, every time you have a trick over she is ringing you on the phone? Make sure you cover your assets after turkey day, while shopping with Mother. After all, we ant to be good sons, even if we are fabulously bad.
While you can hear the groans of disapproving family men everywhere, remember this Mr. Brady. Not everyone is blessed with a good family; hell is anyone for that matter? If you are, thank the gay gods above. As it is truly, something that rarely exist in this day and age. Most trips home leave a foul taste of guilt with a side of straight drama, which is truly Grammy quality.
Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good time…
by Michael Hinzman
© Michael Hinzman, All Rights Reserved
Related: 12/03 Homo for the Holidays
