The Here and Now

Breaking Through Relational Roadblocks

In this article:
* Removing the roadblocks on the path towards new relationships
* Focusing on the gift of the here and now
* Accepting the present through awareness

His voice cracked as he began to anxiously share his problem. "I like this guy a lot but I am afraid of getting into another relationship. The last one I was in really took its toll on me and I ended up getting hurt pretty bad," said Mark, the 34-year old client who had come to see me about self-described "intimacy problems". As our session continued, he began to open up more. "We met over the summer and since then it‘s been almost dreamlike. He is considerate, kind and we always have fun together." Pausing for a moment he added, "And the sex is great too. So why can't I get past my fears and allow myself to get closer to him?"

Can you relate? If so then you are not alone. For many people, bad experiences from past relationships can serve as a barrier to having meaningful, fulfilling relationships in the here and now . This is not to say that those past hurts shouldn‘t sting.. Indeed they often do. However, that very real pain, usually encapsulated in fear, should serve as a gateway to insight rather than a roadblock to a new beginning. As a way of introducing myself to members of ChicagoPride.com, I would like to impart a gift to you - the gift of the present. Consider using these five steps as a way of working through your own personal roadblocks in the area of romance so that you can experience the joy of the here and now with someone new.

1. FOCUS ON THE MOMENT
Focusing on the moment means allowing yourself to concentrate on what is happening with the person you are with now. What are his likes and dislikes? Do they coincide with your own personal desires? If so, what do you have in common? Can these commonalities be built upon?

2. AVOID THE GAME OF COMPARISONS
It is only human to compare and contrast our past relational experiences with the person we are getting to know in the present. However, if we always find ourselves comparing to a past love, then we end up playing the game of comparisons. As with any game, there is usually a winner and a loser. Guess who usually loses?

3. AWARENESS
This is a vital point. What are you aware of about yourself when you are out on a date with someone new? Do you feel comfortable in the presence of this person - do you feel safe? If so, then why not give voice to your feelings? This will go along way in becoming more comfortable with living in the here and now.

4. LIVE IN THE MOMENT
Living in the moment means choosing to not dwell on the past. It means checking in with yourself and asking how you feel today. It also means being aware of what the other person you are with is feeling. And it means choosing to have fun.

5. ACCEPT THE PRESENT
Accepting the present means allowing yourself to lower your defense shields and let someone new in. This means not making the person "jump through hoops" in order to get to know who you are. Accepting the present also means accepting the gift of that particular moment in time. To help you think more about this, reflect upon the following: Time is like a road that goes back and forth and then back again - the crossroads is the present.

SUMMARY
So there you have it - five steps towards embarking on a "new beginning" with a romance interest. My client Mark used these steps and I am happy to report so far that things seem to be going well for him. And who knows, perhaps you can use some of what has been presented here to help create the relationship of your dreams!

And speaking of new beginnings...

I want to take this opportunity to say that I am absolutely thrilled to be a contributor to ChicagoPride.com. My hope is that I will be able to share with you some useful information on this journey called life regularly. Please feel free to send me email with any topics you would like addressed in this space. Thank you for taking the time to read this column and enjoy what's left of summer!

Sincerely,

John D. Moore