Justin Bieber: Tiny Meat to Pin-Up Boy

Wed. February 25, 2015 12:00 AM
by Sukie de la Croix

I generally don't read entertainment news, so I'm hopelessly out of touch with modern culture. Beyonce, Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, Bruce Jenner, could all walk past me in the street and I wouldn't recognize them. They're just names I see in headlines in Huffington Post that I skip over, on my way to reading an article I find interesting.

However, about a month ago I decided to force myself to look at celebrity news. That's when I read about a little kerfuffle over the Canadian pop star Justin Bieber and his new Calvin Klein underwear ads. The issue was, had the photographs been photo-shopped to enhance his appeal? I do admit that, apart from seeing his name in headlines, I had no knowledge of this young man, or what he did, or why he did it. So I went to and watched a video of him singing "All That Matters" ... "You're all that matters to me, yeah, yeah. What's a king bed without a queen. There ain't no 'I' in team." Whereas I get the gist of what he's singing about, I'm a little baffled by the line "ain't no 'I' in team." Perhaps I'm too old, or I lack a sufficient vocabulary, or maybe I'm just not Canadian. On watching the video, I thought, "Oh dear, is this what young people are listening to these days?" Thank goodness I grew up with the Doors ... "This is the end, beautiful friend. This is the end, my only friend, the end of our elaborate plans, the end of everything that stands, the end. No safety or surprise, the end. I'll never look into your eyes, again."

However, musical taste aside, news stories suggest that Bieber is a bit of a rebel. Not in a martyred Che Guevara or Martin Luther King kind of way, but in a "throwing ketchup at your buds in a diner and giggling" kind of way. Not unlike a monkey in a cage throwing its own turds around. Much of the kerfuffle about Justin Bieber in the Calvin Klein ads revolves around the size of his penis. Were the photographs enhanced, photo-shopped, doctored in some way? Does Justin Bieber have a big penis? Does Justin Bieber have a small penis? Does Justin Bieber have a penis at all? Perhaps Justin Bieber has an angry inch.

I looked at the "before and after" shots and noticed there is very little difference in the size of the bulge. Even if the photographs were enhanced, Justin Bieber's penis is a toothpick. Is that a pencil stub in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me? If I caught Justin Bieber's penis on a fishing trip, I'd throw that tiddler back into the water. Comparisons were made on Facebook between Justin Bieber and other Calvin Klein underwear models like Marky Mark. There is no comparison. Marky Mark was an adult male, whereas Justin Bieber is a tattooed child. That makes me: 1) uncomfortable looking at the ads; 2) leaves me wondering to whom the ads are directed?

I don't think straight men will look at these ads and think, "I need to buy Calvin Klein underwear, so I can look like Justin Bieber." Gay men are going to think, "Princess Tiny-Meat has no business modeling underwear. Go back to Canada." His legions of teenage girl fans might like the ads, but 13-year-old girls don't buy men's underwear. Who are these ads aimed at?

Then it hit me. Who would be interested in a photograph of a male child in his underwear? Of course! The Vatican! Priests must be passing Justin Beiber's underwear ads around St. Peter's Basilica like French postcards in the 1930s. I'm willing to bet Miss Pope-silicious and her band of child-rapists are mincing around the halls of the Vatican wearing Calvin Klein's under their vestments right now as I type this. I'm also willing to bet that Justin Bieber appears in the 2016 Vatican "Teeny Weiner Priest-Boy Love Calendar."

He could be January's "Little Prick."

Mystery solved.