The “New” Vatican

Mon. October 20, 2014 12:00 AM
by Sukie de la Croix

"Vida Boheme: Your approval is not needed.

Noxeema Jackson: Approval neither desired nor required" ­– "To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar."

According to Reuters: "In a dramatic shift in tone, a Vatican document said on Oct. 20 that homosexuals had 'gifts and qualities to offer' and asked if Catholicism could accept gays and recognize positive aspects of same-sex couples." Of course, this statement caused conservatives in the Catholic Church to clutch their pearls and get their panties in a wad. NYC Archbishop Cardinal Timothy Dolan suggested the document needed "major reworking." Then, of course, the pro-gay wording was removed altogether. With the conservative wing of the Catholic Church rebelling, my advice to progressive Pope Francis is get a food-taster. He wouldn't be the first Pope to buy the farm under mysterious circumstances (See Pope John Paul I, John VIII, Adrian III, John X, Stephen VII, Sergius IV, Clement II, Damasus II, Celestine V, Benedict XI ...the list goes on).

However, this all-too-brief softening of the Vatican stance on homosexuals got me thinking. What gifts and qualities does this Bitter Old Queen have to offer the Vatican? I think the greatest gift that gay men could give the Catholic priesthood is a makeover. Enough with those tired and sad old Mama Cass frocks. BRILLIANT IDEA: They should have "Dress a Catholic Priest" as a challenge on Project Runway. Because, as we all know, in the Catholic Church, one day you're in, and the next day you're transferred to another parish in Papua New Guinea. I'm sure the young designers on Project Runway would jump at the chance. I can see the priests mincing in for their fittings, and Tim Gunn saying, "You have one hour to send your models to the L'Oreal hair and make up room ..." Of course, the winning outfit would have to pass the Nina Garcia test, because nobody knows fashion-forward like 1960s folk-singer-lookalike Nina Garcia. She wouldn't look out of place playing an auto-harp at the 1963 Newport Folk Festival.

I'm not suggesting we make the Catholic priesthood look cheap and tacky. Mini-skirts and fishnets are out. Nobody wants to attend Sunday mass to see Father Baloney looking like a $10 whore after getting banged by truckers up against a dumpster at the back of Wendy's. I'm thinking of a more classy makeover, retro late-1940s Christian Dior's "New Look": hourglass figure, waspy waist, padded shoulders and hips, strapless evening dresses, and built-in feather boning to create volume. You get the picture?

Those sad hats also have to go, and the old lady silk slippers. I suggest Manola Blahnik Zullin Satin Jeweled d'Orsay Pumps with a 4" heel and elasticized side straps. Obviously Louis Vuitton purses. Who else?

Now, what gift could this Bitter Old Queen give to the nuns? BRILLIANT IDEA: The greatest gift this Bitter Old Queen could give to Catholic nuns would be twerking lessons from Miley Cyrus. Close your eyes and imagine the Sisters of Ursula shaking their stuff in the apse at the Convent of Divine Compassion. I've just saved money of Viagra because I'm getting a boner just thinking about it.

In this controversial Vatican document, it was also suggested that gay people have "qualities" to offer. We do. We can offer the Catholic Church honesty and common decency, a tolerance for others, a life of love free from hypocrisy and hatred. Another gay quality would be how we take pride in our relationships with our adult consensual partners instead of raping children and hiding behind the walls of the Vatican like cowards.

But the greatest gift we could offer the Roman Catholic Church is a piece of advice: Child molesters who live in glass houses should STFU and mind their own business.

St. Sukie de la Croix is an internationally published reporter, playwright, photographer and historian. He is also the author of Chicago Whispers: A History of LGBT Chicago Before Stonewall published by the University of Wisconsin Press.