August 4, 2004

Love and Marriage

BY Dave ("Care Bear")

I have been involved with a married woman for the last 3 years. Now that her and the hubby are cool, he's having sex with her more and oral as well. Now she says she really has feelings for me but can’t continue to mess around with me. Did I just get played, or should I believe her? I really have fallen in love with her.

First off, I just have to apologize to everyone out there for not keeping this baby updated, but in my defense, I have just two words: it’s summer! Trust me, when the temperatures plummet, and we’re back to having 18 hours of darkness per day, you can rest assured that answering your questions will be my top priority. Speaking of questions, you folks have to send me some. Don’t be afraid to unburden yourself with Mr. Care Bear here, and in return for that trust, I promise to treat all of your concerns, no matter how sick, freakish, or clearly retarded, as if they were the most natural and appropriate things in the world.

One more thing before we can get down to the business at hand. Though it’s never a good idea to make them, assumptions are a necessarily evil sometimes, and since I can’t always avoid them, I’m just going to throw out a blanket “I’m sorry!” in case any of mine are way off the mark and cause someone grief or confusion. For example, with Bottom-to-Be (the guy who was curious about bottoming for his boyfriend), I assumed that as a sexually active adult in a large city he had heard of condoms and was already familiar with their use. I also assumed that since he was in a relationship with another sexually active adult, they had already come to their own conclusions regarding condom use during various sexual activities. Because of these assumptions, and since my time (and space online) is limited, I opted to leave condoms, their proper usage, and the risks associated with not using them out of my response. Likewise, for today’s question, I’m assuming that the person asking is a lesbian or bisexual woman, that the married woman she is involved with is not in an open marriage and so is cheating on her husband, and that this married woman wasn’t getting “oral” from her husband at all until recently. Whether those assumptions are correct or way off the mark, I will probably never know, but I figure making them and giving a reply that’s only partially right is better than not answering her (him?) at all. If all of this assuming worries any of you potential advice seekers, there’s a simple way to avoid having me do the same thing to you; give me details, lots of details. Fill in the blanks, people, and don’t be afraid to go overboard. You can rest assured that while I won’t change the feeling and spirit of what you write, I will do my best to edit it down and remove anything truly deranged, or worse, grammatically incorrect, so that you appear to be the witty, concise writer you always wanted to be. With that said, here is my response to this week’s lost soul.

Ms. Played-

If I were a cynical advice-giving bear (But I‘m not!), I’d probably say this: No, honey, you didn’t get played. Saying you got played implies that you were tricked into something and are an innocent victim here, and that just isn't the case. You made your (cheater sex-filled) bed, and now you have to lie in it. You spent several years messing around with someone who had already made a commitment to love, honor, and cherish someone else, so it can’t be any big surprise that in the end she did just that, leaving your sorry ass high and dry in the process. Screwing around with marrieds (or anyone else in a committed, closed relationship) is a lot like gambling, it’s exciting while it’s happening, but very few people walk away winners. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying anything about morals or doing the “right” thing, I’m just pointing out that when you put yourself into a situation with someone who is lying and sneaking around, you can’t act all surprised if it turns shitty. Some people are made for that kind of thing and enjoy the freedom that comes with fucking someone whose emotional energies are directed elsewhere. However, a few minutes of daytime television during any given afternoon will reveal that that group is pretty damn small and that the majority of people just aren’t cut out for it. Cheating sex is just another form of casual sex, and casual sex is the fast food of the sexual universe. Sure, it’s great for satisfying a late-night craving or the occasional appetite for something quick and greasy or out of the ordinary, but just like fast food, very few people can have it 100% of the time without feeling like crap.

“But what about the LOVE?”, you would argue at this point. “Isn’t it possible to turn a bad situation into a good one, a casual fuckbuddy into a serious relationship?” The Cynical Bear (If he existed....which he doesn’t!) would most likely say yes, some small percentage of people do beat the house odds and come out a winner and live happily ever after. But I’d bet good money that ain’t gonna be you. For one thing, Ms. Played, you say that that “Now she says she really has feelings for me…” which sure sounds like you’re saying that her feelings appeared right around the time that Ms. Married started getting porked and eaten out at home and stopped getting it from you. There’s something suspicious about the timing of her feelings, the Cynical Bear would say and would certainly go on to point out that if Ms. Married is smart enough to cheat on Hubby for three years without getting caught, she’s probably also smart enough to know that Hubby’s beaver-eating fever might be short-lived, smart enough to have noticed you developing feelings for her during those years of furtive fucking, and even smart enough to know that telling you she has finally developed feelings for you is a good way to keep you waiting in the wings just in case Hubby loses his taste for pussy when Monday night football returns. Yes, love IS a wonderful thing, and it’s definitely worth keeping in your life. But love without sex is just very close friendship, and if friendship with Ms. Married was enough for you, I’m guessing I wouldn’t be sitting her answering your question.

Last but not least, the (Imaginary!) Cynical Bear would be lax in his duties if he didn’t point out a couple of things. Assuming that Ms. Married is genuine in her feelings for you, and that she will soon be ready to leave Hubby for a life of sapphic bliss, you’re still not winning all that much. For one thing, she’s already proven that she’s not only willing to cheat on someone she loves, but also that she’s damn good at it. Chances are slim that in making the switch from men to women she would also make the switch from problem-avoiding adulteress to trustworthy communicator. In addition, seeing that Ms. Married has a healthy sexual appetite (healthy enough to prompt her to stray when she didn’t get it at home), once she gets over the thrill of giving up straight for gay and accepts her new identity, you will most likely have to deal with her desire to get out there and sow some girl-lovin’-girls-gone-wild oats. Though if you’re an open relationship type of gal, neither of these are necessarily problems.

But I'm not that gloomy, depressing bear from the last few paragraphs. I’m the Care Bear, full of caring, sunshiney goodness, and loads of warm fuzzies, and my answer to you is this: Of course you did NOT get played! You got LOVE! And that LOVE is all that matters! When you’re lonely because Ms. Married is home with Hubby, or your horned-up out of your mind because you two don’t have sex anymore, just wrap yourself in that LOVE and everything will be all right. Congratulations, and best wishes for your new, love-filled life together!

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