April 21, 2004

Random Sec’s – April 21

BY Nick ("Secs With Sardo")

Random Sec's: Quick quips for the active homo with little time for long, meaningful editorial encounters.

Some readers have asked for shorter, less-involved content clips now and again. So, in between longer, weighty editorials that take a semi-serious commitment on both of our parts, I bring you Random Sec’s.

Furniture company condones infidelity
I was flabbergasted to see a commercial recently from Lazy Boy that unravels the fibers of traditional marriage. The commercial shows an attractive chaise lounge and says, “So sexy it will make you cheat on your couch.” How immoral! Someone call Chuck Goudie.

Joe Buttons, president of the Concerned Christians Family Furniture Research Council, responded to the commercial by saying, “I appeal to true Christians, meaning the ones that agree with me, to boycott this comfortable stylish furniture. Think of all the adorable little love seats and ottomans that could be affected by this message.”

A group of about 300 church pews, lecterns and baptismal tubs were seen protesting outside the store today.

Traditional values as an effective learning tool
The Associated Press (AP) reported this weekend that a school district in Orange County California has refused to incorporate the 1999 state law to protect students from discrimination based on sexual orientation or perceived gender.

Three of the district’s five board members said that the rule could confuse children about gender roles. Reverend [sic] Lou Sheldon of the Traditional Values Coalition agreed saying, “These children are not ready to play those kinds of roles, transgender and transvestite.”

(Wow. Thanks for that deep analysis, Rev. Pass the collection plate.)

Felisa Ihly, interviewed by AP, said that her openly gay son who wore makeup and nail polish to school was spit on, shoved against a locker and threatened with being run down in the parking lot. “The principal told me she thought he was lacking testosterone,” said Felisa.

(Yes, that’s a real quote. Pause while Nick fumes furiously.)

Anonymous Sardo sources say that the principal received her medical degree from the University of Nowhere; and that tests show her brain activity as considerably lower than the boy’s testosterone levels.

“What we’re seeing,” said Sardo, “is the return to a more effective way to ensure proper roles by condoning harassment and violence. If you make fun of people and scare them enough, they learn how to become healthy, successful members of society. It’s Fantabulous.”

Sardo sources also say that the school district is exploring ways to extend this highly logical and morally rigorous thinking.

In order to promote health among teens, students will be encouraged to point at obese classmates and yell “Fatty” while making that funny little pig face that adults love so much. Abstinence will be supported by repeatedly calling girls whores and singling out cases of abuse that were caused by how the female victim dressed.

Field trips will also be part of the curriculum. Financial responsibility will be promoted during outings to locate homeless families. Children will be expected to make signs in art class that say things like, “Get a job you bum,” and “Ha, ha, I have a house.”

“Guess we better get some more glitter,” said art teacher Ray Sunshine. “I mean, at least for the girls, of course.”

Put minutes on your gay card by having a colonic
On The Mix 101.9FM, radio hosts Eric & Kathy read a message from a listener who commented about a recent segment on colonics. First, he wanted to know a good place to get one. Second, he wondered if his “man card” would be revoked by getting flushed out via his backside.

This is a complex question. So I made some inquiries. According the Manual for Maleness used in sex education courses across America, an exit-only anal cavity is, in fact, required for full maleness.

And although colonics are not the same as soliciting penetration in back alleys as gays are taught to do in homosexual conditioning camps, they can be destructive to masculinity.

According to an anonymous source, real men could wind up being diagnosed with chronic wussiness or even become gay as a side effect. Just ask the former winner of Mr. Meaty Masculeany 2003, Mike Hunt.

Mike was stripped of his title when word “leaked” of his having had a colonic. “I was forced to go through the dethroning ceremony where they stuff you into a locker. It was degrading.” Mike now performs at a local gay bar as Monica Colonica.

After further investigation, however, man cards are not revoked as a result of one colonic. There are different degrees of colonic offenses. Those administered for medical purposes require only that you present documentation from your doctor.

Getting one of your own volition is a more serious offense. Man cards are suspended and a panel reevaluates masculinity based on criteria established by the Man Show and the producers of Girls Gone Wild.

Some suggestions for this poor listener:

(1) Seek help for your anal fixation.
(2) Put some minutes on your self-esteem card.
(3) Ignore your original impulse to run home and call your buds and say, “Dude, I just had a colonic.”
(4) To bolster your argument at your panel hearing, ask that your colonic be administered with a garden hose or beer bong.
(5) After your colonic, drive to Hooters, order beer, watch football and masturbate while the waitress takes your order. Be sure to wash your hands before high-fiving buds during subsequent touchdowns.

Three’s company, Gay’s a crowd
A New Zealand newspaper reports that a landmark ruling was recently handed down by Auckland Family Court granting a two-year old toddler three parents—his biological mother, her lesbian partner and their homosexual sperm donor.

This will no doubt become a much referenced ruling by opponents of same-sex marriage. In fact, WorldNetDaily immediately made it a catalyst for marketing its monthly print magazine WhistleBlower. Anyone who orders or renews a subscription gets two free back issues.

Issue one is called “The End of Marriage” which includes the cover stories “Marriages Made in Heaven—And In Hell” as well as “Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing,” which carries the subtitle “Same-sex marriage just playing house, a sad counterfeit, says former gay.”

The other special issue, “Gay Rights’ Secret Agenda,” includes the cover stories “Sex, Lies and Kinsey: How Pedophile experiments revolutionized science, education and law” as well as “Safe Schools: The Trojan Horse of the Gay Education Movement?”

(Yes, the above is all true.)

As you hear antigay pundits [sic] criticize everything gay based on this three-parent ruling, seek refuge in the arms of your traditional nuclear family for support. I know I’ll be calling my father and stepmother, and my mother and her new boyfriend for input and advice.

Meanwhile, I’ll put out a call for submissions for the compilation “WorldNetDaily’s Secret Agenda.”

Homosexuality downgraded from mortal sin
In the recent Boston Globe article “A Firm Voice Against Gay Marriage,” Reverend Ben Baughman states that “The Assemblies of God believes strongly that God has declared great displeasure and opposition toward homosexual conduct.”

“This is disappointing,” said Nick Sardo, president of the United Fruits for Fabulousity. “We take such pride in being mortal sinners that do our part to bring on the apocalypse.”

When reached for comment, God said, “I haven’t spoken to anyone for a millennia or so. I’m not sure where this is coming from.”

Sources say that the mysterious list of God’s displeasures also included broccoli, June bugs and the movie Gigli, while bestiality, toll roads and people damning others in his name were considered just minor annoyances by God.

Still A.O.K with God were concubines and practical jokes, such as giving biblical character, Job, a skin disease to test his loyalty.

“Ya, that was a good one,” said Sardo. But overall he expressed concern over the recent homosexual downgrade. “If this trend continues, we’re going to have to come up with new excuses to visit hot priests for confession.”

Father’s failed rescue attempt causes grief
Jamiel Terry is the son of anti-abortion group Operation Rescue leader, Randall Terry. Recently, Jamiel was interviewed for OUT magazine and his father wrote an article on WorldNetDaily about the interview.

Randall’s goal: To “help other grieving parents” and warn “moms and dads of small children…to protect their children from predators, and bring a reality check to those exploiting [his] son.”

Beyond opposing abortion, Randall Terry opposes gay rights as you’ll see by visiting his site OperationWitness.com. In his recent article, he sees OUT magazine as exploiting his son by paying him $5000 and feels his son “betrayed” his family’s privacy by taking it.

Being the better man, Randall Terry devotes his longest paragraph to telling the world that his son was arrested for DWI, writes bad checks, dropped out of school, has no job, etc.

Randall Terry explains that he and his former (hmmm) wife adopted Jamiel—who was born in jail and had already learned a lifestyle of deceit from his surroundings—in hopes that by providing him with a loving home, his life would turn out better than it would if he’d stayed.

Randall’s journey to sainthood was thwarted, however, because his “hopes and prayers were not realized.”

Jamiel’s life could very well be “in shambles,” as his father puts it. What’s a grieving antigay father of a homosexual to do? Search his soul? Shift perspective? No. Blame OUT magazine, his son, gay predators and God’s silence.

Randall Terry’s story does nothing to help anyone become a better parent. It self-servingly attempts to rescue his reputation as one. The real lesson that parents should learn from this story is that hopes and prayers did not keep Jamiel from being homosexual.

Grieving parents must learn that homosexual children do not equal failure—and that such views effect gay and lesbian youth. They must learn that homosexuality does not automatically equal a life of problems. They must selflessly ignore what they may see as a tainted reputation to help ensure that their children realize these things too.

Perhaps God was trying to tell Randall something by not rescuing Jamiel from homosexuality. Too bad he didn’t listen.