Get Will Laid

Fri. July 30, 2004 12:00 AM
by Jenni Spinner

The right to equal marriage is a vital issue. Whether or not two gay gals in love choose to take the plunge, dammit, they should have the same right as a pair of heteros. However, as court and legislative skirmishes have shown, it’s gonna be a long, hard haul before Jane and Julie can tie the knot with the blessing of the Lord AND the law. Until then, we can take some smaller steps toward equality:

Get Will Truman laid. The star of Will & Grace is the only primetime sitcom character that doesn’t get nailed more than a 2x4. Sure, he has the VERY occasional boyfriend, but his ‘partners’ have been no more than blink-and-you’ll-miss-him schmoes, the butt of toss away jokes. If the überannoying heteros on Friends could fuck like bunnies on a weekly basis, surely Will could get a piece every so often. I’m not asking for a televised graphic corn holing (we’ll get our graphic gay action from the guys and gals on Queer as Folk and The L Word, God bless ‘em), just a little primetime nookie.

Establish a secret gay signal, so we can all recognize our own. I’m fairly clueless and can’t tell a bear from a breeder unless said bear is sporting pride rings around whatever serves him as a neck. Faulty gaydar isn’t an uncommon disease, so others would benefit. If there were some sign only us fags and dykes knew and could flash to each other as we pass on the street, us suburban dykes would feel less isolated out here in SUV-land. We’d also avoid the embarrassment of hitting on a soft-butch lovely in the frozen food aisle of Dominick’s only to find out she’s very married, very Republican, and very upset that you have pegged her as a muff diver.

Ban Republicans and other right-wing nutjobs from using the word of God in arguments against homosexuality. Despite the "God hates fags" battle cry of Fred Phelps and his ilk, I have it on good authority that The Big Guy actually LOVES His queer children dearly (witness the existence of disco, drum circles, and Angelina Jolie), and He wants the homophobes to shut the fuck up (amen).

Pride should be a national holiday. If we can have Pulaski Day to honor a Revolutionary War mercenary, surely we can take a day off to celebrate the courage and cultural contributions of a community that—despite a long history of being overlooked, oppressed, discriminated against, and even hated—we still know how to throw a kick-ass party.

Get me a girlfriend. I know this probably doesn’t have much bearing on the wellbeing of the community at large, but it would make me (and, hopefully, one lucky gal) happier, at least.

The road to equality is going to be a long, uphill march, but there are many little conquests to be won on our way to victory, and we can have a shitload of fun along the way. Let freedom ring.