Sodomite Semen

Thu. November 13, 2014 12:00 AM
by Sukie de la Croix

I was interested to read the recent comments by James Manning, an anti-gay pastor at Harlem ATLAH Missionary Church, who claimed that Starbucks was "ground zero for Ebola" for making a commercial that featured drag queens Bianca Del Rio and Adore Delano. Manning also claimed that Starbucks mixed "sodomite semen" in their flavored coffee drinks. He stated that: "Starbucks is a place where these types frequent and a lot of body fluids are exchanged there. But the thing that I was not aware of is that there has been information that has been released...what Starbucks was doing, is they were taking specimens of male semen, and they were putting it in the blends of their lattes. Now, this is the absolute truth."

Manning does not give a source for this information. Nor, indeed, does he say from which part of his nutty galaxy this tidbit was gleaned. I suspect it was from Gark ZB12, a little known dust planet inhabited only by him and Ann Coulter. Before President Ronald Reagan emptied the psychiatric hospitals, Manning would have been picked up by the zippy wagon and carted off to St. Nancy's Hospital for the Terminally Ga-Ga "where life is beautiful all the time. And I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats. Etc." Manning would be fed psychotropic drugs and eat dinner with a plastic fork and a dribble bib. We would never know that James Manning even existed. Sadly, thanks to Reagan, the insane now walk among us babbling about Starbucks and sodomite semen in this zombie apocalypse we call the 21st century.

This Bitter Old Queen can remember a time before Starbucks, when it was just coffee and milkshakes, not latte and Frappuccino. As if buying drinks in Starbucks wasn't complicated enough already, now I have to worry about adding semen to the mix. I usually order either a decaffeinated Americano grande iced, or a Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccino with whipped cream. Now, it seems, I will have to order decaffeinated Americano grande iced with a dash of sodomite's semen, or a Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccino with whipped cream and ...err ...more whipped cream?

Call me old fashioned but I like to know whose sodomite semen is going into my body. I'm not one of those gay slut whores who are drowning in sodomite semen from every Tom, Dick, or Harry. No, I'm picky about my sodomite semen. In fact, you could say that I'm a sodomite semen snob. If Manning is correct in his assumption that Starbucks are mixing sodomite semen into its drinks, then there must be an army of masturbating sodomites out the back of every Starbucks filling up jugs with jizz. I'm OK with that, but here's where I have a problem: Whose sodomite semen are they mixing into my Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccino? Most likely they don't know. So it's a bit like drinking coffee through a glory hole, where you know that sodomite semen is coming your way, but you don't know where it's coming from. Soon Starbucks wont even bother having a café, you'll just rent a cubicle and order a Cinnamon Dolce Semen Frappuccino, and they'll push a straw through a hole in the wall. It could be anybody's sodomite semen. I wouldn't mind a Caramel Brulée Latte with Ricky Martin's semen in it, but what if it was a Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate with Richard Simmons' semen? Argghhhhhhg! Ewww! I'm making myself ill just thinking about it. Just going off to gargle with Windex. Ugghhh. I can't think of anything worse than walking onto Starbucks, ordering a drink and then Richard Simmons masturbating into it.

I hope pastor James Manning is wrong about Starbucks. Life should be simple. Everything is so complicated these days. Even buying a drink. Why can't we just go back to the days of buying a regular coffee or a strawberry milk shake? That's what I want to know.