Dear Princess Darby,
I hate to say "victim" because I almost feel as though I am partly responsible, but I do feel as though I have been the target of an emotionally abusive person for the better part of ten years.
She was only a friend, one I cared deeply for--perhaps too much--who consistantly manipulated me with lies and feigned affection for whatever personal gain she got from it. Her abuse has left a profound effect on me that I just can't seem to shake. I feel anger and resentment toward many people, and am often on the defensive. Yet underpining beneath that displeasure is a pervasive sense of neediness and want of approval from others for reasons I can't define.
This person is no longer in my life. When I could no longer logically rationalize her abuse, I was forced to see it for what it really was. I told her we couldn't be friends anymore. But just the same, I can't stop thinking about her or seem to move on, and I don't know why.
Any advice?
Yours,
Miss Lost and Confused
Dear Lost and Confused,
Thank you for sharing yourself with me. It takes courage and a need to eopen up and seek out a listening ear.
Everyone can be a "victim" of a physical or emotional attack. It's when we allow it and allow it to continue that it becomes our responsibility to take action. That's what you did...good for you!
Ten years is a long time. Sometimes it's hard to admit or see how someone can be, or how they have manipulated and used us. Sometimes a person doesn't have the confiednce or financial means to make the move to get out and unchain themselves from that abusive situation. In that time, ten years can slip by.
But, she was only a "friend". Friends are supportive not destructors. You cared deeply for her, but why? Was she a habit? I'm not surprised you have a residue remaining from the relationslhip. The most important thing is that you recognize it. Now, let's move forward and work with it. Keep repeating this positive action loudly in your head that you took to better yourself.
Now, a decade is a chunk of time from our life. You can't make it up, but you can make it better. This is the first step to your new beginning. Again, repeat this positive action you took in your life.
I don't know why you feel resentment and anger towards other people. Have they hurt you? Do they live the life and have a relationship that you want? Is it a feeling you have to get even at something or someone?
The sense of approval and neediness is felt by everyone in some or or at some time. If we didn't we wouldn't be human, work up the ladder of life, keep ourselves in shape, better ourselves.
Although you recognize that poison is no longer in your
life, the shadow of this negative relaltion is. Of course you won't entirely stop thinking of her, just like a bad marriage..it should be a model that you don't want to repeat. Think of it as an experience and move on.
How to move on? Live in a world of reality, but place goodness and happiness in it. Have fun, smile, think good thoughts. Seek out positive people, people who are considerate and care about you.
And, most important I suggest you see your doctor and talk to him/her. Perhaps see a therapist who will listen you and guide you. Lastly, talk to your best friend who is your confidante and has your best interests at heart. These are healthy and positive actions to take.
Be good to yourself, love yourself, and take care yourself. Thank you for sharing, and please let me know how you are.
Princess Darby
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