Dear Princess Darby,
I have issues with unreasonable jealousy.
I do not like the fact that my boyfriend sees some of his ex-boyfriends around at bars and is still on good terms with some of them.
I know I was not there for his past, but I am uncomfortable with some of these guys talking to him.
What can I do to deal with my boy's past relationships causing me to be so unreasonably jealous? I want to change.
Thanks,
Jaded With Jealousy
Dear Jaded With Jealousy,
The "J" word may eat at you viciously through every word, question, or glance. But don't lament you aren't the only one caught in this emotional trap. Jealousy has a very lengthy green past!
The question is whether you have the basis to be really jealous. You have the right to be jealous, but has your boyfriend done anything wrong that would injure or disagree with your commitment?
Have you asked yourself if there is foundation for your emotions? Have you experienced or seen indications of disloyalty? When your boyfriend sees his past boyfriends at the bars are you wiwth him? Or, does he tell you he just ran into them when he was out? (I woulldn't understand it if he was hanging at the bars and you weren't with him).
If your boyfriend doesn't have feelings of love, commitment, or misgivings of past associations, then I wouldn't worry. Actually I would respect any person who has moved on and left the past relationships amicably. It shows respect for both parties.
Jealousy is a natural feeling. Of course you are uncomfortable that he is still on good terms with old flames. One should be insecure at time; it keeps us on our toes! It can be dangerous only when it's out of control, then you're out of control.
I suggest that when you go out and you both bump into his friends, be gracious, meet and greet them, and move on. If on the other hand you feel that your boyfriend is too generous being gracious at the meet and greets, then it's time to move forward and discuss this calmly with him.
If you decide to discuss this, select a calm time and environment. Your feelings could end up with deep resentment and gnawing suspicions. If you have a solid and mature partnership, your boyfriend won't think anything of it and he'll be sensitive to your feelings.
But, don't get caught in the web of jealousy, it suckers you in, and strangles you to death! Life is too short, be happy.
Princess Darby
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