Thu. April 1, 2004
ARIES
March 21 - April 19
Get out your little black book. Okay so it's a Palm, but whatever, get it out. Close your eyes and punch a number. Doesn't make any difference which one. Dial it. Leave a voicemail. Send a text message. Just get something out there. First of all, whatever you send out will get to the wrong person, likely someone you've never met. You'll maybe get a reply, and if you do and you're dumb enough to respond, then one of two things will happen. This one is the mother of all trolls who makes your ex look wonderful, or, Two, it is your ex and you deserve what you get. Try another number, the number who just made eye contact.
TAURUS
April 20 - May 20
Let me spell this out carefully. K is for kink, those forbidden fantasies you've harboured for too long. A is for, well, you know that part of your anatomy located above your legs and below your spine. R is for either reprobate or retroflex, both of which describe your mind accurately. M is for your standard response to any pickup line, as in "M-m-m-m-m". And the second A is for what you usually settle for, which is anything, anyone, or anybody. Now let's put these letters on a string and see what the necklace looks like: K-a-r-m-a. Yup, karma. Remember, you earned this month, and there's no way you'll talk your way out of it. Next time you want to wear a necklace, duckie, try pearls.
GEMINI
May 21 - June 20
I'm already laughing so hard, I can barely keyboard in your month, so I hired the mythical one million monkeys who are working for infinity on composing the complete works of William Shakespeare. According to their drivel, you have more dribble, drool, and dross than any human being is capable of containing in a single bedroom of unearthly endeavour, which pretty much sums up your sense of the world. Get it on with a circus clown......no, no, silly, not the one in the mirror, the one you're going to meet just about anywhere. Juggle the rubber balls, wear your fright wig, but please take pictures. I want to see how you do it wearing those huge oversized shoes.
CANCER
June 21 - July 22
This will be just the month you decide to attend a seance to speak with the Lost Spirit of the Laneways, who was known as Chuck fifty years ago in France and is now known in the spirit world as Nancy. You would not believe the drag they have on the other side. Gossamer white frilly lacy stuff like forever. Anyway, beware asking advice about where to find the love of your life. Chuck/Nancy, is more clueless than the medium running the seance, and you're about as likely to get good advice from the spirits as you are from your last trick, and we aren't going to tell that story in public, now are we? Thank Chuck/Nancy for the directions to the hottest park bushes at midnight, and then go to the tubs.
LEO
July 23 - August 22
If you go travelling, remember that in this era of heightened security with international travel, there has been a dramatic increase in staff at border crossing points. M'gosh, think about this for a moment. All these butch numbers in uniforms, and they all want to do a scene. If your paperwork is not in order, or the computer check on your background flashes back "Screamer!", you may be asked to step aside into a back room for additional questioning. Oh, yummy, go for it. Stumble over your words, and you just might get more than lucky, you could get laid. You think all those questions are about security? Ha! Of course, there is one small hitch. Most of the "questioning" is done with hidden cameras running, and guess where the videos wind up? Yeah, in the pay-only section of several XXX websites.
VIRGO
August 23 - Sept. 22
Okay, the month starts out with work, moves quickly to career, takes a side trip over to health, but at least you don't have to worry about a pop quiz on sainthood this month. Stop. Abandon your teddy bear in mid hug. Throw away your game plan and your map. Get over to the wrong side of town. Walk down a street you've never walked down before. Yeah, a street even the sluts and hookers wouldn't set foot on. (Feels like home, doesn't it?) Now you're getting closer to the action. This ain't down and dirty. This is downright dangerous. You're lovin' it, right? Yeah. When you wake up in the hospital with 85 stitches in your head and both your legs and arms in a cast, remember it was one of the best orgasms of your life.
LIBRA
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22
Even if you decide to do nothing, which is likely what you will decide, it won't make any difference. The cosmos will impinge you, if not indeed expunge you, until you have no choice but to take action. Horrors! You're going to have to make a decision. And do something. (Look, sometimes the Universe shows no mercy.) And your worst fears and darkest nightmares come true. It doesn't work out, at least it doesn't work out as you planned, and that's the whole point. Instead of your carefully planned tasteful little whatever, oh my, it's a knock down, drag out night of roaring animal delights. Ow-w-w-w! Drag your knuckles, dear. Grunt, even.
SCORPIO
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
Okay, the dungeon gear has been rusting and gathering dust for much too long. Time for some spring cleaning. What you need is some brainless little twit with the mental focus of centipede and the ambition of a wet square of paper towel. Perfect submissive material. I mean, who better to polish up the chrome chains and locks? Plan on a long night, or even a long weekend. After all, this is quite a collection of toys you've assembled over the years, and it really hasn't been properly looked after by the previous dwellers in your cavern of dark delights. Lower your voice a couple of octaves. And clean up your act, or rather de-clean your act. Skip a shower for a couple of days. Ambience counts. You're suppose to be mean, remember?
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
I know it's hard to imagine (your brains are more scattered than usual), but you also have this desire to communicate, to talk, to connect with the world with words. With a mind as organized as a pile of gravel, this means taking drastic action. Get out your black turtle neck sweater and beret. Sunglasses are mandatory. Go to the last-minute club and fly off somewhere you never expected to go. Assume your persona as soon as you get off the plane. You are (drum roll, please): The Poet. Speak in half sentences of unconnected irrelevant verbosity. Pause. Pretend you're thinking. Over dramatize everything. (Yeah, I know. This sounds like your average day, but be with me on this one, okay?) Some poor schlepp who doesn't understand a word you are saying has the hots for you. Do us and the schlepp a big favour and shut your mouth when you shut the bedroom door.
CAPRICORN
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
Absolutely not the month to be making money flipping condos. Flipping condoms, on the other hand, or both hands for that matter, is a much better use of your hands and your time, and the one you thought you were going to sell the real estate to. BTW, it ain't no estate, but it's real enough to think about long enough to do the tour through the bedroom. Talk is cheap, but for a cheapskate like you, thinking of a return on your investment is paramount. Well the mount you might get, so skip the para unless it's a pair of them which would really be fun, and a return engagement won't be an engagement unless it's engaging. Note: all of this will make far more sense after the 15th of the month when there'll be some interest in your return.
AQUARIUS
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18
Ever try to talk your way through a fish bowl? I'll bet it's been awhile since you've done drugs that weird. Oh, did I just lose that bet? Anyway, when they finish putting the wheels back on your ice cream, roll over and turn the lights down to medium rare. Now here's the plan. Just start talking. It doesn't have to make any sense. And it won't. Just keep talking. Say anything. It'll get you right where you want to be. Now not necessarily with whom you wish to be--you better have some wiggle room on that one--but don't sweat the details. A fun night is a fun night, even if it is with someone whose brains are more fried by unknown unregistered chemicals than yours.
PISCES
Feb 19 - March 20
Why not? And that's the answer you need to memorize to get you through the entire month. Once you understand that you're never going to understand, and that is just the way things are, well sort of, remember your two key words. Why not? Probably the best pickup line ever invented, and this is your month to use it. Like over and over. Shopworn? Certainly, but then you ain't exactly chicken. A cliche? Of course. But doesn't that sum up your life? But the nice part is, it works. Here's your lesson for this month, Pisces. Who cares? Why not? All doors are bedroom doors. All fantasies are operative, although a few are inclined to malfunction at critical intervals.
© Copyright 2004 by Richard Brown Consulting, all rights reserved
ISSN 1499-6537
Reprinted with Permission
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