AIDS: The day I found out
With an overwhelming response to the first installment of this series, I am happy to see that many are walking away from this with the same determination to help others; adjust their own lifestyles; and see a shift of responsibility in the community! A number of you have made contact with the various community Organizations that offer help and services for those impacted by HIV.
This next installment covers a time in Jay's (Not his real name) life where he was faced with the terrible news that he was HIV+. Notice the courage, determination, and honesty in Jay's responses.
Did symptoms or fear of infection drive you to get tested?
Yes symptoms of infection drove me straight to the Doctors office. There was one specific sexual encounter I had two weeks prior to coming down with a severe cold. I new something was up and even told myself the night I left his place that if I get sick in the next two weeks that I have probably been infected. I was sick for about five days with horrible pains and fevers. I got to the doctors office and told them exactly what had happened.
What method was used to test you?
They drew blood and sent it off to get a viral load test done, even though that is not "approved" for HIV testing, although it is used for HIV patients to see how much viral infection is in per milliliter of blood. The blood work took 12 business days to get back and I continued to be sick with the symptoms. I developed a horrible rash on my hands and bottom of my feet. I did have a glimmer of hope that it wasn't HIV because my doctor said the rash looked like syphilis, but that came back negative.
Who told you you were infected?
When the results finally came back, my doctor was the one that came in and told me. I was in a complete daze.
What were the first words to come out of your mouth?
I think my first words were "okay, what do we do," or "okay, I thought so."
What were your thoughts?
My thoughts were of complete devastation and humiliation for the simple fact that, I am an educated man and knew better than to have unprotected sex. But recall, at that time in my life I wasn't in a good spot, I didn't love myself enough to care and THAT came back to bight me in the ass.
Who did you tell first?
I believe the first person I told was my roommate at the time.
Were you angry?
When it comes to being "angry," I was; more at myself than anything. The first two weeks after being told; I was in denial, then came complete depression and unstoppable control of emotion. The haze finally cleared after about a month and I continued with life. But from the very beginning I remember telling myself that I am not going to let this get me down and that I was going to do everything to educated myself on this disease and figure out the best way of fighting it.
I think we can all take Jay's example and educate ourselves on HIV. You realize that this impacts us all; straight, gay, or bisexual. Whether you are sexually active or not is isn't the issue. Education impacts daily ability to make healthy decisions . This goes much further than the simple act of using a condom. It has to become part of our life's course so when you are in a moment that requires you to make a choice; you'll not falter. Jay said in the first installment of this series that he "dismissed that fact when in the act.". He will tell you today that, that is where he went wrong.
AIDS: The scarlet letter
The negative stigma attached with HIV is overwhelming. There's no easy way to say that. It simply sucks to contract. Sure, we have come a long way in drug research and prevention, but ask any HIV+ person and they will tell you that it sucks.
Clearly, life changes for the individual diagnosed with HIV. In Jay's (Not his real name) case we've seen a new commitment in helping prevent others from the unhealthy choices leading up to AIDS. Installments one and two in this series have introduced us to a man; who not unlike ourselves; knew what he was doing.
Jay will tell you how situations in life made him ignore what he knew to be a bad decision. I don't know about you, but I really relate to Jay. Haven't there been times in our lives when it just didn't seem like life was worth all the fuss and worry that we devote to it! All of us can relate to the "I'll worry about it later" tape that plays in our mind. Jay is just like us .
Or is he? Like it or not, the straight community is not the only people group that brandishes the scarlet letter to victims of HIV. The scarlet letter [usually the letter "A"] was branded on your skin so everybody knew of your sin. Women would have it sewn on there dresses. It was thought by the Puritans that if you sinned, you would go to hell and because of this no other citizens would want to be near you lest they go to hell by association. Our legacy not just as the LGBT community but as the community of humanity depends on how we care for others. It is my hope that you will see a bit of yourself in Jay. In his shoes we might be able to renew our commitment to loving, accepting, and serving others .
Have there been any physical signs?
There have not been any physical signs of me being positive and hopefully there will never be. But there is the large potential for things to happen down the road! That all depends on a persons body type, medications and lifestyle. One of my biggest fears is the occurrence of lipodystrophy; also known as wasting.
(Def: Lipodystrophy meaning "Lipo" [refers to fat] and "dystrophy" [refers to abnormal growth or change.] Abnormal fat changes. Fat redistribution syndrome. A build up of fat: Some people see the amount of fat deep within the body—around their gut increase significantly. Increased fat pads—a buildup of fat on the back of the neck and shoulders has also been seen, as well as increased fat tissue in the breasts. Some people have also reported round, moveable, flattened lumps of fat under the skin. A loss of fat: Some people see the fat in their legs, arms, buttocks, or face diminish. This can cause veins to protrude in the arms and legs and sunken cheeks in the face. Source: www.aidsmeds.com)
I do know that the best prevention of this is the gaining of muscle and decrease of fat.
Were you worried people would find out?
I am really not out with my status. It's not one of my proudest moments!! Lots of my friends and some acquaintances know. I've found it important to be careful with the people you choose to tell. We all know that people can be cruel and unfortunately this can be ammunition for someone to hurt you. I have become more comfortable in my own skin lately so I feel there really is no need to tell everybody.
Did anyone you told shun you?
I have not necessarily been shunned, but have dealt with that type of behavior from some coworkers. One in particular has come to his own conclusion of my status even though he has not been told. One day he wouldn't even touch the same stapler that I had just used because I had a cold!
How were you treated by doctors, nurses, & pharmacists?
Absolutely wonderful. The day my doctor told me, Travis, a nurse at Northstar came in to take more blood. He asked how I was doing and I just broke down. He held me for a good fifteen minutes and just let me cry in his arms; saying "Just let it out".
Have you been honest with tricks about your positive status?
At first I did tell some and didn't tell others. Why exactly I don't know. I think it was fear. But now I do tell everyone and if they have a problem with it, then it wasn't meant to be.
Jay is not the only one who's not been completely open about his status. Take one look at sex proposition websites and you'll see a "no answer" in the field populated for HIV status. Sadly this is a fact of life. The HIV infected individual is damned if they do; and damned if they don't.
NOTE : Illinois law says that any HIV positive person who does something which could transmit HIV is breaking the law. You don't have to actually infect someone to break this law. Just putting someone at risk is enough. This is even true if you are practicing safer sex. Under Illinois law, if you wear a condom during intercourse but don't tell your sexual partner your HIV status, you might still be breaking the law. To protect yourself legally, you should always disclose your HIV status before engaging in any sexual or needle-sharing behaviors. ( Source : AIDS Legal Council of Chicago )
This should also serve as an unambiguous warning to those sexually active folks who have trusted their tricks ! You may not want to ruin your chances for possible sexual encounter, but whether or not you are HIV+; you and your partner deserve to ask/answer that question. I would suggest you avoid thinking "Oh I won't get it.", "Nobody will know.", or "People with AIDS are living normal lives now." They are NOT! Listening to Jay has shown me that! His health (Both mental and physical) is a daily struggle. Most don't have that kind of worry added to their daily concerns.
Many of us have been touched by HIV. We may know someone who has it or might have it ourselves. It is time that everyone, gay, straight, or otherwise; step up to the plate of compassion and Make A Difference with our time, care, and cash!