B Scene

I've always had this dream of being a sport's fan matron. She's the older lady who sits on the sidelines, legs spread in a sundress, sunglasses tilted off the ridge of her nose while sipping on lemonade. She claims she's just a big fan of the game, but really she's only there to ogle the athletes. Yet how do I do this without needing to shave my legs or get beaten up? No worries ladies! Chicago has a plethora of LGBT leagues perfect for people like us!

Is Rugby your game? This British pass the ball backward and run in short shorts sport is quite popular amongst the local pink players. So much so the Logo Network did a documentary on the Chicago Dragons , The Windy City's own "underrepresented" rugby team. It's a cute show. In it, you can watch the athletes talk camaraderie, trick out and tease poor teammate Jeremy Begy while trying to win a game. Checking out their game and practice schedule at ChicagoDragons.org, this was definitely something I needed to see for myself, and attended one of their recent practices.

Partially expecting a coffee clutch, discussing recent fashion trends and a gossipy forum of who did who, all under the guise of sport, I was immediately shown different. These dudes are fierce! With extensive calisthenics and hard-core practice plays, someone even yelled, "Hoo Haa!" I broke a sweat just watching them -- even if teammate Mark Byrne ran like a girl -- who later expressed to me, panting while removing his mouth guard, "Being a plus-sized fashion model isn't all it's cracked up to be."

"No, it clearly isn't," I agreed -- Not that I know anything about that.

After two hours of practice, the team was weary. Soaked in sweat and drinking water by the gallon, they grunted load moans of exhaustion and relief. It was hot! Yet they still found time to tease Jeremy, who, due to a back injury, wasn't able to take part. Oh, poor Jeremy...

Don't get the UK? Not a fan of tea? Well, there's an LGBT American Football league as well. Don't worry about breaking a nail though, it's flag football. Touching is actually frowned upon in this game but allowed in certain instances, as long as it's consensual and you're not a prude. This first came to my attention when I heard of a team called the Tank Tops . Rumor has it they use psychological tactics against their opponents. Arriving bare-chested to the season's first game, they flaunted their svelte lean buffness to intimate the Sweet Tarts – a team whose sponsor is a candy and ice cream shop called Sweet Occasions (catch my pudgy drift?) – and won. Taking advantage of another's insecurity to profit oneself, or team, is just the kind of deliciously evil intercourse expected from a gay league. It's all in the online brochure at ChicagoMSA.com. Go Tarts and Tops!

If you're anything like me, you refuse to take part in any sport-like activity unless you can throw underhanded like a girl and drink lots of beer. Oddly enough, there's a league for that too. Softball teams like the Spin Orphans have been around for years, with sexy veteran players like star first baseman David Byrne (Chicago Dragons Mark Byrne's twin brother! Go figure!) and Team Captain David Fredericks . There's even a girl on the team! Jennifer Moore plays second base in between catering to her many lesbian fans. But don't think this is like any other leisurely weekend activity, getting drunk and swatting balls away from your face. It gets bloody out there. Just last summer the paramedics were called three times, once even for a broken nose. Which sounds really promising to me. A sport's injury would be a totally legit health insurance claim, paving my way to rhinoplastic prettiness. If only there was a way to medically necessitate Botox treatments, I'd be golden.

Most people find a certain degree of fallacy with gays in sports. However, if you consider the notion of taking hold of a long phallic symbol and knocking some balls around, it's not that far of a stretch. In fact, it just isn't played up enough. Had the Chicago Gay Hockey Association used this to their advantage, perhaps using the tag phrase, "Go puck yourself!" they might've gotten way more hits at ChicagoGayHockey.org, and wouldn't be in danger of losing their domain name.

I'm just saying.

(View The Photo Spread: Chicago Dragon's Practice)