Dear Darby,
Recently I met a pleasant and reasonably attractive man with whom I chatted for over an hour. He volunteered that he had a boyfriend -- although the "boyfriend" wasn't with him, they don't live together, and he said that he hadn't had sex in over two months -- so I wonder what kind of relationship they really have. But that's not why I'm writing.
Eventually he asked me THE question. Prefaced by telling me that he thinks I'm friendly, sane, and goodlooking, he asked -- like they always do -- "You're so attractive. Why don't you have a boyfriend?"
When I get asked this question I never know what to say.
I WANT so say, "because YOU aren't available," but that never goes well. I'm afraid that the real answer is, "because everyone thinks I'm unattractive," but my interlocutors always assure me that isn't the case.
I have a job, I shower regularly, I'm well educated, my social skills are adequate, and I'm completely out to everyone.. But despite wanting a boyfriend (really VERY MUCH wanting one), I've never been able to achieve partnership status, with anybody, ever.
Often when I share this with people, they say something like, "Oh, all my boyfriends were bastards too." Well, you have my sympathy, but that's not what I said: I mean I've never, ever, been able to pair up with anybody, not even for a weekend.
The best I can do when confronted with this question is to state the truth: I don't know why I've always been single. But that doesn't satisfy them either.
I guess, Darby, I have two questions for you. First, why does everybody think that my relationship history, or lack thereof, is any of their business?
And second, why DON'T I have a boyfriend?
Dear Why Don't I,
I read your letter several times to try to get a sense of who you are and what you are feeling.
From the information you shared, I'm wondering where these conversations take place and who you are meeting.
If it is in a bar, then these are indicative of the types of ice breakers in that scenario. If your'e at social functions, working out, or somewhere else, then it's not the usual conversation you have with strangers.
The words pair up, weekend and partnership jump out from your letter. Partnership is a form of being together and sharing. Do you think people you first meet are immediately interested in forming that type of relationship?
The door to meeting someone and building a relationship is always open. There are many doors to open. The question is which door and with whom. Before you turn the handle, no matter how pretty and tempting it may be, consider your options. Have you been active meeting new people who share your interests and values? Like, working out, hobbies or volunteering? And, maybe skip the superficial stuff. Attractive is nice, but let's check out the the inside beauty first.
Now, find your door and you will find your own answers!
Yours,
Darby
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