Tyler said "Jesus! That's like the eight-thousandth time you've said that! Can't you come up with anything else?" and Brad said "What?"

"Come on. Anytime we talk about us, sex, love, life, weather, sports – okay, not so much sports – money, food, etcetera etcetera and the conversation starts turning serious you say ‘I don't know what I am.' Infuriating!"

"Well, I don't. And I don't think ‘bisexual' cuts it."

"Cuts it as what?"

"As a label."

"Who's labeling you?"

"Well, you are, or at least you're trying to. The world. The world wants a label."

"The world doesn't give two shits about you!"

"Thanks."

"I mean in the historical sense, or in the grand scheme of things. The average American – or perverted American, for that matter – is not waking up every morning wondering if Brad is gay or straight or bisexual or sixty-forty or seventy-thirty... "

"Wait – there can be percentages?"

"Uh oh. I shouldn't have said anything."

"Because if that's the case, does saying you're sixty-forty mean you're sixty percent gay and forty percent straight, or vice versa?"

"I really don't know."

"Well, if I told you I was sixty-forty, what would you think?"

"I would think you're insane."

"But would you think I'm sixty percent gay and forty percent straight, or vice versa? I'm just wondering if it's been established as to what the first number refers, gay or straight. Is it like when they take your blood pressure, and one number is systolic, the other diastolic? Although I myself don't know which is which."
"Well, all I know is my blood pressure's about to go sky-high. Look, forget it. I'm sorry I pointed out your little fail-safe phrase."

"I'm not even aware I say that. My father always used to say ‘Just shows to go you.' My grandmother always said ‘Well, the good Lord willin' and the creek don't rise!'"

"Where's your family from, the Ozarks?"

"I'm just saying, people often latch onto little phrases like that and tack them onto their conversations without realizing they're doing it."

"Yeah, but not all of those little phrases are so freighted with deeper meaning like ‘I don't know what I am.'"

"Did you say ‘freighted with deeper meaning'?"

"I did."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning it's more than an unconscious reflex with you. It's a very existential thing you're saying there! Why do you get so hung up on it? So you had a relationship with Becka; fine. It's over, done with. I am NOT suggesting it didn't mean anything – it probably meant more than it was supposed to. No one's asking you to write it off as a mistake or a betrayal to your true nature, if such a thing exists. Just get on with it!"

"Back to this sixty-forty thing. I'd say that right now I'd characterize myself as an eighty-seven-twenty-three person."

"Your math is wrong. You mean eighty-seven-thirteen."

"Ooops."

"So does that mean you think you're eighty-seven percent gay and thirteen percent straight, or vice versa?"

"Yes, to the former."

"So you're telling me there's a thirteen percent chance you'd dump me for a woman."

"I'm not saying that at all! And even if I was, that's a hell of a lot better handicap than sixty-forty!"

"We are so done with this conversation. I've got a label for you: Idiot. Now out of that Abercrombie-wannabe outfit and into the shower, I'll join you in a sec."

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JON STEINHAGEN has written many stories, plays, and musicals. He's also done plenty of acting and musical direction. He can play the piano. He's been a lifelong Chicagoan.

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Just joining us? Catch up here:

Volume 1 -
Week One, Week Two, Week Three, Week Four, Week Five

Volume 2 -
Week One, Week Two, Week Three, Week Four, Week Five

Volume 3 -
Week One, Week Two, Week Three, Week Four, Week Five

Volume 4 -
Week One, Week Two, Week Three, Week Four, Week Five

Volume 5 -
Week One, Week Two, Week Three, Week Four, Week Five

Volume 6 -
Week One, Week Two, Week Three, Week Four, Week Five

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