Ancient Vatican Secrets Unveiled!

I cannot divulge the name of my source, but I recently met a papal insider at an undisclosed "adult" bookstore (the devout, humble man was on his knees), and after plying him with GHB, he happily divulged the fanatically well-guarded secrets of the arcane ritual of papal selection. Talk about cardinal sin! Here, on EDGE, I present a worldwide exclusive which details the ancient process which begins with an official solemnly uttering "Extra omnes" (Everyone out). The doors of the Sistine Chapel are slammed shut.

1. The same official then giggles and utters "Extra omnes closetus". (Everyone out of the closet) and the 115 cardinals squeal "Hail, Mary!" at each other with girlish glee.

2. Sick of that hour-long dirge which lists each of the saints, they launch into a two-hour karaoke session from hell which features songs from SISTER ACT and NUNSENSE. The black cardinals always steal the show with best singing voices, dance moves and "runway-in-robes" realness.

3. They pay special tribute to Saint Michael.....Jackson and jealously praise the Queen of Pop for the large number of children he's molested. Unlimited rounds of "Jesus Juice" are consumed in his honor. The "girls" shriek as they hear the opening strains of Jackson's 1981 hit PYT (Pretty Young Thing).

4. Pope John Paul 6's holy carcass is trotted out one last time. In a moment of closure they take turns ripping his photo in half a la Sinead O'Connor on Saturday Night Live and fight over who gets to steal his jewelry. A ribald round of polak jokes follows. Canonizing John Paul as a saint is briefly discussed. He is fondly mourned, but the proposed saint is quickly forgotten as they mourn, even more fondly, the closing of The Saint nightclub in NYC.

5. Hundreds of condom balloons (their only Catholic-approved use) are released from the ceiling. The cardinals remove their mitres to reveal long blonde wigs underneath and gyrate as Madonna's LIKE A PRAYER begins to play. Italian Cardinal Martini tends bar and good lord! he makes a mean one. Candidates from Latin America vie for popularity on the basis of the quality of their country's cocaine.

6. The cardinals deliberate over which candidate can best handle today's dominant issues. The conservative faction urges the reinstatement of traditional practices like The Spanish Inquisition, witch-hunts, and forcing devotees to pay for candles which priests pretend to bless, until they remember that they're still practicing the last one. The liberal faction urges their brethren to keep the church vital by allowing priests to marry--met with a loud cry of "You mean, marry WOMEN?"--and updating the role of women in the church--met with a thundering unison chant of "Fish on Fridays, Not on Sundays!" A seven-hour debate over circumcision, complete with underage models from every nation, begins.

7. Nude altar boys enter swinging censors which cloud the air with fumes of marijuana, poppers, and of course, angel dust. Liturgy gives way to a "lit orgy". It's time for legendary "Browning of the Candlesticks". The swiss guards are then stripped and orally searched for "swiss cheese".

8. All agree that an old, ailing candidate should be selected so that they can party like this again soon. A fist-fight breaks out amongst the Irish candidates and a full-scale brawl ensues. The last drunken, degenerate left standing declares himself pope and blows pot smoke up the chimney.