Jerry Nunn is a contributing writer to the GoPride Network. His work is also featured in Windy City Times, Nightspots Magazine and syndicated nationally.
Thanks to her stand-up acts where nothing's off limits, Lisa Lampanelli is certainly no stranger to controversy. You can almost always count on the Queen of Mean to offend with her biting brand of comedy, but last week in Topeka, Kansas it was her turn to be offended. That's when the haters of Westboro Baptist Church protested her show; however, the insult comic had the last laugh by donating $1,000 to the Gay Men's Health Crisis in the name of every WBC picketer that dared to show. GoPride.com got Lisa's reaction right after her act.
JN: (Jerry Nunn) Hey, Lisa. How have you been?
LL: (Lisa Lampanelli) Hey, faggot, long time no see!
JN: I heard about this protest, what happened?
LL: I donated $50,000 of my money to the GMHC because of those inbreds.
JN: So fifty people showed up to protest your show?
LL: No, I counted 44 but they say 48 and I am rich so I said, "Make it an even 50, F*ckers!" They are making me up one of those big huge funny checks so I am giving it to the fag organization on Wednesday.
JN: So a good photo op.
LL: Yeah, I said let's work it, if I am going to be paying fifty grand to these people for the AIDS, I might as well cash in myself!
JN: Yes, get some exposure. How did the show go?
LL: The show went great. Actually, you know what? I am a little pissed at myself for not taping it because I told the story from beginning to end how this all occurred, it was so interesting and the audience went crazy. They hate these people so much because it makes people look at middle America like they are all small town asshole inbred losers. When they are not like that. This bunch of people in a small town hate these protesters as much as the rest of us do. It was really cool that the town was behind it. It was awesome.
JN: You are touring all the way through the end of the year.
LL: All comics do. If they have a TV show or something then they back off a little bit but even my friends who have television shows still like to tour for the immediate gratification of it anyway. I am busy most Fridays and Saturdays usually.
JN: Don't you get tired of it?
LL: Not for stage but I do get tired of the travel. I won't even lie to you, this week especially with the stress of the protest I feel like never getting on a plane again. Thank god I am at the level to fly first class. Life could be a lot worse.
JN: You seem more and more comfortable with the stand up routines.
LL: Oh, I love it. It is getting a little more real these days because there are more stories and talking about what is really going on. I love doing my thing. Once you have a fan base then they are not going to turn on you. There is no way. It is not like Lady Gaga trying to do an acoustic set.
JN: Yeah, in those heels…
LL: Sadly enough I could imagine that would be pretty good which pisses me off.
JN: You have to be a quick thinker to do stand up. Do you think really fast?
LL: Oh, I do. I think a lot of them don't, which is why people are stronger writers, but I am more of a performer. I can think on my feet. Sometimes I think, "How did I pull that out of my ass? I haven't said that one in twenty years!" I think of it in the moment. If my mind goes or I get Alzheimer's I gotta kill myself because I couldn't do this.
JN: I was watching your DVD Tough Love today. You have a little I Love Lucy segment at the beginning. It's cute.
LL: Isn't it? I love that. My producers are good. They think of some wild shit. I am like the modern day Lucy. She married a Latino and I have a spicy Italian. It is kind of the same thing.
JN: I saw you on the NewNowNext Music Awards on Logo.
LL: Oh, yeah. That was fun. They let me roast the nominees. As you know, I am very comfortable with the roast format. I am also comfortable that no one is going to get up after me and make fun of me, which is a lot more fun. The fact that Carrie Fisher grabbed my boob was horribly uncomfortable. How odd! Just to get her back I grabbed her butt and I never felt anything so squishy in my life. This chick needs to do a squat.
JN: She is bringing her act to town in October.
LL: Oh, she's doing her show?
JN: Yes, the Wishful Drinking show.
LL: That is so good, go, you will love it! It is required fag watching.
JN: You are heading to Nashville on this tour. Did you hear about them trying to pass a law where they can't talk about homosexuality in the classroom?
LL: How can they even do that? That means there will be no viewings of Glee in the classroom. I think that is just a shame. There will be no musical theatre productions. How could you even do The Wiz or Godspell? Everybody's gay in those things. That is cutting into their cultural education and I object. If you want me to hit up Tennessee next on my tour of love and spreading the word I will.
JN: There might be protesters there too!
LL: You never know.
JN: I just met Matthew Morrison over the weekend who plays the teacher on Glee.
LL: That's cool. Was he cute?
JN: Really cute and I talked to him about having Elton John on his album.
LL: Wow, now is Matthew gay?
JN: Supposedly straight, allegedly.
LL: He seems very straight on the show. Maybe you could win him over with your womanly wiles, you never know…
JN: (laughs) Maybe. I wanted to ask you what you think about the Arnold Schwarzenegger scandal?
LL: Well, I think if you are going to cheat can't you just cheat up? Can't you find someone who is better looking than your wife? I love Maria Shriver but she ain't no freakin' great beauty this Skeletor looking c*nt that she is. If my husband cheated with Consuela, our maid, I would be pretty f*cking pissed off. That was what you consider an upgrade from me? It just proves that men will stick their dick in everything. They will drill a hole in a ham and f*ck it. Did you hear that Sarah Palin has come out against him and calls him "disgusting?"
LL: Yeah, she throws her retard kid out and he's "disgusting." Yeah, I forgot…
JN: How's your marriage going by the way?
LL: Terrible, I am getting a divorce.
LL: I am kidding! He's great. I tell that getting married at 48, not being a nitpicking bitch and getting a separate apartment works out beautifully.
JN: And you go on tour a lot so you are never around.
LL: Well, that is so funny because we went on the road together this weekend. He was doing the protective thing in case the inbreds tried to hit me with their front tooth because it's the only tooth they have left. It was weird to have someone on the road with me. I usually like a lot of alone time. I was talking to this woman that was married for 31 years. I asked her how. She said, "My husband is a truck driver and I see him once a week for one day for 31 years." I told her I wanted her life. She said," I still love him." I said, "Of course you do. You haven't seen the bastard very much!"
JN: Do you ever want children?
LL: Oh god no, we're 49. We would have little retarded kids running around. I don't need that. I actually met my youngest fan yesterday in Bloomingdale, a six-month-old Italian kid. It was so cute. He had a little t-shirt that said Brooklyn on it. I never held a baby in my life the correct way so they had to show me how at my age, I am almost 50. He was really cute but I couldn't figure out for a second why they really wanted it. This was fun but take him back! I will keep my dog…
JN: Would you ever do a reality show?
LL: Yes, we have a deal for a pilot with one of the networks. It will be about me and Jimmy Big Balls.
JN: That sounds fun.
LL: I know. It is about me being real. I learned from Kathy Griffin and everyone who has done one successfully. To really do a good show is being who you are, like Bethenny Frankel, who put themselves out there, no bullshit stuff on this one.
JN: It will be a behind the scenes of Lisa's life.
JN: It was so great catching up with you again.
LL: Yes, thank you so much, you're so sweet and nice to me all the time.