Your Gay Monthly Horoscope
The lighter side of what the stars say for November 2003
March 21 - April 19
It goes from bad to worse to terrible this month. How bad does it get? When was the last time you were tempted to phone your ex and suggest maybe it might be a good idea to get back together again. Yeah, that bad. So there's really only one solution, if your month is going to be that bad, then make it really ba-a-a-ad, dude. I mean, like down, dirty, filthy, ugly, ghastly, horrible ba-a-a-ad. If it's just going to be karma (and trust me, this month is karma in spades), then figure out a way to enjoy the lust. Like some sins are just too much fun not to enjoy. And if you're going to have to pay for it anyway, then at least pay with a stupid smile on your face for something you really enjoyed that turned your crank big time.
ChicagoPride.com Daily Horoscopes
April 20 - May 20
Beware getting distracted by friends with a huge bulge in their pants. It's padding. This is your month to be deceived by those with hot crotches and twisted agendas, although you might not see the difference given the energy the stars bring to your life. If it's not the words, then it's the seductive look, and if it's not the seductive look, then it's the promises, and if it's not the promises, it's the husky voice, and if it's not the husky voice, it's the body. Sound like you last love affair? Yup, only worse. This time you might actually believe it all. Dangerous, dangerous. Beware commitments made in the peak of orgasm. You will live to regret them, the commitments that is. Other than that, not a half bad month for making money. Go figure.
May 21 - June 20
You are about to get snookered, and we are going to love watching the show. Now let's set the stage. You've spent how many years now flitting about like a butterfly from one bedroom to the next, never getting to the point of anything except the release in your groin, and often enough that was an afterthought. Hope you enjoyed it while it lasted, duckie, 'cause the Universe is going to get its revenge on you. You are so ripe to meet what you think is just another silly trick to cast aside, when WHAM! You fall head over heels in love having finally met someone who takes you to the core of your very soul and bounces you off the wall to boot. And you never saw it cumming. All the smart money is betting on this one. (BTW, it won't last.)
June 21 - July 22
Crawl out of your bloody little hole for once. Look, if the boss says you gotta travel this month, well so what if it's an existential crises because you have to leave home for three days? I mean, you can hire a cat-sitter for chrissakes. And for once stop whining. Do you have any idea what action awaits you in some foreign land while officially you're out of town "at work"? Look even the expense account is covering this one. Ahem............only a damn fool would say no to this opportunity. Get your passport updated, Dorfus. Do you have any idea how many drop-dead gorgeous people stand in line with a passport application they can't figure out? Now wouldn't it be just right if you helped them a little bit?
July 23 - August 22
Maybe I'll just shake my head and walk away flumbustergated right off the top. Every little fantasy you've wanted, you get. Every big fantasy you've wanted, you get. Every hot little number you've ever dreamed about, you get. Every hot little affair your throbbing crotch has ever desired, you get. Every perfect soul mate you've every spent umpteen past lives with, you again meet. Every lottery you've ever bought tickets for, you win. Now maybe when I get over being totally flumbustergated, maybe one of us will wake up and realize that dreams are what make the long lonely nights tolerable.
August 23 - Sept. 22
As if you need any new reasons to rip yourself apart on the insides, but just in case you're starting to run low on neurosis (which I doubt, but then life is full of surprises which is what drives a Virgo bats), here's one to rip your pants off. The stars say the only way your horny home life can be satisfied is by travelling to a foreign land which you, temporarily at least, call home. A bit of a contradiction. The only really successful resolution is to find a foreigner to massage your home parts, which is fine until you fall in love, and then tune in for next month when you wake up and realize you've totally forgotten about Sainthood. The Virgo Committee will not be amused.
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22
Any excuse for a party. November is good enough. Maybe you can dream up a couple of other shallow justifications, but November will do. But this party has to be a bit different. It's a foreign party. No locals. The guest list must all be from some exotic land, and we would hope everyone speaks with a suave, charming, but difficult-to-identify accent. Toss out your tacky Barbara Streisand CDs, dear, and get something exotic, like the chanting Llamas from the Peruvian uplands. Cater some truly arcane cuisine, like Mongolian midnight water mangos. Light up some African fertility candles, and then Viola! It finally happens. You finally have your chance to score the humpy little Italian who just moved in down the hall last month.
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
Pardon me if I yawn, but is there ever a month in your life which is not Sex Month? It's not that I'm bored (although I think I've seen this show before), or ungrateful (how can I not say thank you for more salacious gossip than one could ever find on a soap opera?), but could we just try something perhaps, just a little more original? I mean plunging into soul-searing sex with a dark, mysterious stranger who seems to have the aura of the Secret Celestial Beings of the Seventh Order of the High Secret Brotherhood of The Choosen Ascended Masters, is like so been-there-done-that. I mean, like could you just send me the T-shirt instead? Or maybe a postcard? Even a laundry list might be a nice change of pace.
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Your lover has never told you the truth, never will, and never could if so motivated, which your lover definitely is not. And everything, I do mean everything, is your lover's fault, without exception. Fine. Now that we've covered the basics, grab said lover and proceed to the bedroom. Leave the quarrel and the door. Turn off the lights, light up some incense........(Geeze, this is starting to sound like one of those horrible relationship manuals we all barf at when we channel surf into it, but then even Sagittarians need reminding about priorities.)..........seduce the stinking little blighter! Who the hell gives a damn about lyin' cheatin' words when you've got the hottest little number this side of heaven to f**k?
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you, but not this month. First off, that hot business deal? Be very wary. There's something you don't know about that's being hidden from you that you better get a handle on before you commit yourself. So off to the bars. See that swarthy little number in a dark corner giving you the eye? Be very wary. There's something you don't know about that's being hidden from you that you better get a handle on before you commit yourself. Ah well, there's always your favourite park for cruising. Be very wary. There's something you don't know about that's being hidden from you that you better get a handle on before you commit yourself. The tubs? Be very wary. There's something you don't know about that's being hidden from you that you better get a handle on before you commit yourself. Got the idea for this month?
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18
Be careful what you wish for, dear Aquarius, because you just might get it. Haven't you always wished for the perfect friend, who just turns out to be the perfect lover, soul mate, and life companion, but really just the finest friend one could ever have? Uh-huh. You wouldn't be an Aquarian if you were not hard-wired with that fantasy. Well, here's your month. Go for it...................ah, you're waiting for the catch. You're right. Just what would you do if you actually found such a person? Would you be prepared to stop playing your games, get real, and settle down to a reasonable little life behind a white picket fence in some god-forsaken suburb filled with breeders and born-agains? Be careful what you wish for, my friend.
Feb 19 - March 20
I was tempted to leave the Pisces section blank, because that pretty much sums up November for you, but then my agent phoned up and said I better say something. Okay. "Something." How many ways can we talk about this something, The Void, the great Emptiness which is Everything but not something at all. It is The All which is Nothing yet is really something. Yeah, it's starting to sound like I'm on weirder drugs than you are or something. So let's see if we can anchor, ground, or at least do something with this ephemeral meandering. Any fantasy come to mind? Mind? Oh, sorry, read the installation manual, then boot something up. Something might just happen, but then again it might not. Not to worry, we'll think of something. Something like that, I guess.
(c)Copyright 2002 by Richard Brown, all rights reserved
ChicagoPride.com Daily Horoscopes