In honor of Only at Brunch's upcoming episode where the guys and I compile and discuss the top ten rules of hooking up, I decided to have a little fun with it and dedicate a column to my personal top ten rules of hooking up. If done right, hooking up can be a great and fun way of exploring your sexuality, getting to know your likes, and for some even making new friends. However, if done wrong, hooking up can cost you your reputation and at worst leave you feeling unfulfilled. Be sure to tune in this Wednesday at 7:30p.m. where the guys and I share our list as well as discuss other news and hot topics on www.onlyatbrunch.com or our youtube channel at youtube.com/onlyatbrunch.
1.) NEVER hook up with friends:
Hooking up with friends automatically changes the dynamic of the friendship. Friends
should stay as just that – friends. Not to mention, if you hook up with all your friends,
who will you talk to about your hook-ups?
2.) NEVER hook up with more than two friends from the same social circle:
This is a fast way to gain a rep as "that guy". Hoping from one friend's bed to the next
friend's bed is no accomplishment; you're just being passed around. Not cool.
3.) NEVER hook up with the neighborhood gossip queen or people who are heavily on the social scene:
Your sex life should stay private and it's never a good look for all of Boystown knowing
who you did, how you did them, and where you guys did it at. If you hook up with the
town's gossip queen, people will know your size, secret fetish, rather or not your middle
toe is bigger than your big one, and how you like your coffee in the morning. Gossip is
truly the lowest form of discourse, so don't be fodder for it. People who go out a lot will
merely spill your business over a drunken conversation. Save yourself from all the secret
pointing and whispering when you walk in the club and opt for a different evening
4.) If no one can host, ONLY hook up in 5 star hotels:
Gay men's bath houses are just trashy and you might run into a
gossip queen or a popular scenester if you go, which would be breaking two hook-up
rules. Holiday Inn Expresses and Days Inns are kind of like Zaras…a step up from H&M
but still not okay. There's something European and slightly mysteriously sophisticated
about checking into an upscale hotel and doing the deed. Not to mention, you can order
room service in the morning – on him of course.
5.) If you can see him being your boyfriend, ONLY hook up with him after you're in the relationship:
Momma was so right when she said if you give the milk away for free, no one
will buy the cow. I don't care if you're a bottom, top, or vers; we're all guys.
Guys like what they can't have and are natural hunters. Make him work for
it. If you truly like him, then wait and the sex will be that much more special
AFTER you're in a committed relationship.
6.) NEVER hook up with guys with racial hang-ups:
This rule is for all my fellow black gay men and other gay men of color. I'm sure you have all heard it before: "I usually don't hook up with [insert your color here] guys but you're an exception" or "You're pretty hot for a [insert your color here] guy. " What the hell is that suppose to mean? Do they really think that's a compliment? Like I'm suppose to jump for joy and get down and do you just because your backwoods inner prejudices say it's alright this time. I don't think so. Don't cause a scene and don't try to preach to him about racial sensitivity; you wouldn't try to explain yourself to a cockroach would you? Well this would be equivalent. Merely, take your drink, bid him a good evening or day, and hook up with a different potential evening suitor who wouldn't state such nonsense or refer to you as "exotic".
7.) Don't hook up with stupid people:
There's something really hot and engaging about an intellectual guy who can hold a
conversation past the latest Brittney Spears album or Lady Gaga's newest outfit. (Not
that I don't love them). He doesn't have to have a PHD in molecular biology, which is
hot by the way, but he has to at least be able to discuss current affairs and a few news and political
topics. More then likely, if he can't hold such a conversation with you, he won't be able
to hold it down in the bedroom. Save your brain cells and the yarns and move on to the
8.) If he seems weird and creepy, he's probably an axe murderer:
Listen to your inner SVU detective and if a guy just seems off, don't go home with him.
He's not being mysterious. He's not being a hipster. He's not trying to be different. He's
trying to lure you…and not in the sexy/fun way either.
9.) If you don't want to hook up with a guy and/or are just not attracted to him, don't be a dick about it:
Be nice to EVERYONE, even if they don't deserve it. There's no reason to be mean, poke fun, or have a laugh at another guy's expense just because he wants you and you don't want him back. That is just high school, in poor taste, and a good way to make enemies. Moreover, if you're mean to him, he might go around town bragging about how he had sex with you and that you were bad in bed - such a lie and not cool. This could have all been prevented if you kindly thanked him for his compliment/attention, shot him a smile, and continued drinking with your friends.
10.) Have fun, be yourself, and be safe!
This may seem like three rules in one, but it's really not. If you're being yourself, then
you're having fun and if you're having fun then you're being yourself, hopefully. As crazy as it sounds, hooking up is a good way to explore your sexuality and find out what you like and don't like – with a rubber over course. Don't take the whole scene of hooking up too seriously because others sure aren't. So, have a laugh, have a shot, and have a happy, safe hook-up!