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How time flies! We're already half way through January! 2008 was a year of many firsts and a year of many ups and downs for this country as a whole. This isn't about that though, this is about me. About my trials and tribulations, mistakes, and the growth and steps i have taken forward in order to better myself as a person. I'm not a perfect person by any means, and I have finally come to terms with my many flaws, which i believe is the first step in solving any problem. If you don't care to read past this that's fine, this is more of a therapeutic blog for me. Just getting everything out provides great relief for me. So here we go!

Pride
I was listening to a song by U2 the other day I don't know if you've heard it or not "Sometimes You Can't Make it On Your Own." I've heard the song a hundred times but for some reason it really resonated with me this time. I have a problem with letting my pride get in the way especially when I need help. I don't know if it has to do with the way I was raised, where asking for help is a sign of weakness or what it is. I hate asking my parents for help especially I don't like seeing them worry (moreso my mom) about me. I also feel like somewhat of a failure if I need to ask for help. However I have realized that it's alright to ask for help sometimes. I heard an explanation of God the other day that really opened up my eyes. This lady was asking why/how God could let all these horrible catastrophe's happen to us. The explanation that the other person gave was really quite simple but made perfect sense. God gave us each other to lean on and go to for help when we need it. I do believe that people are innately good, and that the people that mean/matter most to you will be there for you to catch you when you fall and that it is ok to ask for help sometimes. That was a hard one for me to swallow but I've reversed my prior way of thinking on the subject and believe I am better off for it.

Greed
Alright so who doesn't want to enrich their lives with a little extra green in the bank? I don't believe there is anything wrong with that, however, there is a right way to go about it and a wrong way. This past year I went about it the wrong way. I had not one but two different sugar daddies. At the time it seemed like a great idea, living the easy life and not having to lift a finger. That idea soon came crashing down though. I found myself becoming lazy, having less self-respect, and becoming increasingly dependent upon the other party. Not going to lie it was nice being able to have whatever I wanted when I wanted it. However the cost was too great, compromising my morals any further became impossible for me, so I removed myself from the situation. Life was/has been hard not having that sense of security to fall back on. I know I will be a better person though not being in a situation like that. If there's one thing I learned more than anything else from that it's that in the end you can only truly depend on yourself. The well eventually dries up if you're dependent on someone else so always have a plan and don't become too dependent on that other person.

Immaturity
I have a tendency of jumping into things without thinking them through first. For example, I moved to LA this past year without fully thinking it through and preparing myself. I went there, didn't have a job, any connections, or really much of anything. I won't say it was a mistake because I did learn a lot, but there definitely would have been a lot less heartache had actually sat down and thought it through first. So I guess I really just need to stop being so spontaneous and grow up some and think things through.

Another part to my immaturity is the way I handle money. It seems to burn a hole in my pocket and I always feel the burn when it's gone. I don't know why I have such a hard time with this one, but I'm trying to be more proactive with this one. I need to lay out a budget plan and stick to it. I need to start setting money to the side for a "rainy day" fund. This I plan to enact effective immediately.

Self-Absorption
This one is a bad one for me. I'm constantly trying to advance myself, which in itself is a good thing, however, my problem is is that I tend to do it at the expense of others. In return I don't really end up advancing myself at all I end up taking two steps backwards and burning bridges in the process. Fortunately the people I've done this to have forgiven me and we're on speaking terms again. This is something I need to stop though, I'm too good of a person to do that and was definitely not raised to be that kind of person. So to all those out there that I've used or burned I truly apologize and ask for your forgiveness.


There are so many more faults that I have, but those are the main ones that stick out in my mind. So my new years resolution this year is not to lose weight or stop eating something. Instead, I plan on being proactive and setting goals for myself and re-evaluating my life, and just trying to be a better person that is true to myself and others. I welcome all the challenges that 2009 may bring. This is the new Zach, the Zach with a plan and a clear mind.

No I'm not confused in my title I do mean that Prop 8 is bound for passage, thus implementing discrimination in the California constitution and ending gay marriage rights indefinitely. Don't get me wrong I hope and I pray that the proposition will fail and that we will retain the right (not privilege) to marry. However from what I have seen out here it leaves me with little faith for its disapproval.

I think it's great to see "No On 8" signs wherever I go in L.A. all over West Hollywood there are people with signs chanting on the corner and sporting our cause. Therein lies the problem we are restricting ourselves to our own comfort zone. Go out to the suburbs and you will mostly find "Yes on 8" and "Protect Marriage" signs. It is places like that where our presence is needed. Who knows there may be people who are indifferent to the cause yet because all they see are "Yes on 8" signs they feel swayed or inclined to vote that way. Blacks didn't obtain civil liberties by protesting in black dominated areas, they obtained their God given rights by protesting in Selma, AL...Cicero, IL they knowingly put themselves in danger and adverse conditions but you know what? They got their point across and they eventually obtained the rights they shouldn't have even had to fight for. I guess what I'm saying is this anyone can shout and yell in their comfort zone, but it takes a true crusader to step out of that box and really make a stand.

Just something else to throw out there. Allegedly students at Chapman University took all of the "No On 8" signs, shaped them into a swastika, and wrote an obscene message threatening all gay Jews on campus. Where is the outrage? Where is the media coverage? Where are the masses in protest that you always see when there is a hate crime against a black person? Nowhere to be found. So I leave you with this question...

How much are you willing to sacrifice for a cause? Are you willing to pour your heart and soul into what you believe is right or will you just sit on the sidelines and watch the injustices continue?

I choose to sacrifice and fight for what I want who will join me?

Rarrrr!!!! Hey everyone greetings from beautiful California where it's been in the 80s/90s for the past 3 weeks :D...things are going good out here finally getting settled and making new friends...the people are just as i expected fake and vicious but they're not all bad i suppose...anyways went to this thing called Halloween Horrors at Universal Hollywood the other day...fucking amazing...although instead of everyone else screaming they were laughing at me because of my girly ass scream lol (for all of you who haven't heard it it's alot like my laugh except worse hehehe) was alot of fun minus the fact that i was fucking soaked from Jurassic Park and of course had jeans on and was chaffing the rest of the night lol...oh yea there were clowns with chainsaws there too...I FUCKING HATE CLOWNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they freak the hell outta me...anywho yea it was a pretty good time!!!! can't wait for halloween...oh yea if any of you haven't heard one of my friends here hung a Palin effigy from his roof and has McCain coming out of his chimney in flames as a halloween gag...it's been all over the news def check it out!!! fucking hillarious!!!! anyways hope all is well back in chi i miss you guys!!!! oh yea WeHo has nothin on boystown hahahaha

ciao!

Alas all good things must come to an end...Chicago has been very good to me and has helped me grow as a person in so many ways...but it is time for us to part ways. It's kind of bittersweet although I have a great opportunity waiting for me in LA it will still be sad leaving behind all the friends, family, and the city that I love the most...many people say this is the greatest city in the world...I can truly attest to that...all the culture and diversity...the political machine...the architecture...the food...everything about this city is great. It has definitely helped me come to terms with who I am not only as part of the gay community but as a person as a whole...it's opened my eyes to reality and how malicious people can really be and also how kind and passionate people are...so it is not without the greatest grief in my heart that I leave all this behind me...but I do look forward to new opportunities and faces as I partake in this new adventure and chapter of my life...so Chicago I bid you adieu it's been great!

PS- this doesn't mean I'll stop writing on here though! so don't forget to check every now and then!

love you guys
Zach

So this week has been an emotional roller coaster for me...and I have no one to blame but myself. I guess the problem lies in the fact that I believe in an innate goodness in everyone...no matter how bad a person may be I find something good and hold on to that no matter what...and because of that people walk all over me...idk I just wish I could take someone out to dinner and have a nice night and them not expect to sleep with me...I blame myself though because I let myself get into that situation...it's just idk I yearn for companionship with someone that is a genuinely good person, someone that is going to be there for me and let me be there for them, someone that actually cares...I just miss waking up to the warmth of that special someone next to me and wrapping my arms around them and knowing that they are really there for me and not for what i do/don't have...I want someone to be honest with me too and not hold back on anything...

...another thing too it just made me upset this weekend because my great aunt is getting ready to pass away and I sat back and thought and realized that I haven't really seen my family as a whole in over 3 years...and it made me sick to think that the next time I'm going to see them all is at her wake/funeral...idk family is very important to me no matter how much they fret and fuss over things they're still family and you should hold each and every day/experience spent with them near and dear because when everyone else deserts you who is going to be there to catch you when you fall?...family...

...all in all I guess I'm just tired of giving everything when I have nothing, listening to others and not to myself, solving the problems of others and not dealing with my own problems, and just trying to be the best person I can be and getting nothing but dumped on in return...it hurts alot...this heart of stone really isn't stone at all it's very tender and quick to bleed :(