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It's one of those things that most people take for granted, unless perhaps they have body image issues, were traumatized/bullied as a kid or identify as transgender. It's one of those things that is part of our daily lives when we are kids and depending on our lifestyle, also as adults.

So what is the big, "it?"

Locker rooms.

Some people may feel slightly uncomfortable when entering locker rooms due to the stench of body odor or the unexpected surprises when you round the corner and see someone naked. This becomes even more awkward if the person acts like a nudist and begins to talk to you as their naked body shakes and giggles in places only lovers should witness.

Other people, like myself, absolutely dread the locker room. No spa-like qualities or fancy bathroom fixtures will change my feelings toward the energy I feel when passing through the doorway and into a world that feels far too private to share with others.

After attempting to find a neutral ground with the locker room I've given up. I've had too many run-ins with naked bodies reflected by mirrors or placed directly in front of me. It never seemed to fail, no matter which locker spot I chose to change at, each time I reached down to snatch up my bag a guy next to me decided to drop his drawers, leaving my face there next to his hairy ass, it would have been slightly better if I could have at least been greeted with one smooth and hairless.

Some people may read this and think, seeing a bunch of naked men isn't so bad, but for me it reminded me of a comfort I'd never have around other men, even after completing all of my surgeries. So, I've surrendered to finding a gym close to my house and working out during a time where I have the time to run home and jump in the shower. Not all people have this luxury, so from here on, I'm going to go over options a transman like myself can take when preparing for the locker room experience.

But, before we can explore these options, we first need to ask ourselves, are we even comfortable using the male side of the locker room? I wasn't comfortable until I started to get some facial hair. I have always used my facial hair to cover up my insecurities around how people perceive me. I suggest exploring things that make you feel more comfortable and successful in "passing" (I don't really care for that word) when you first start your transition. It could be wearing a ball cap, wearing baggy clothes, or carrying yourself with a certain strut. We all need to judge our own comfort and assess when we are ready to make the big transition to using male restrooms and locker rooms full time. I recommend though that you join a gym where you didn't frequent a lot prior to your transition. If you are a person who is always on a routine then the one's that saw you there before may call you out if they see you going into a different room. You could also just start going at a different time.

So, now, we are getting ready to go full time in the male's locker room. The next thing I recommend to do is tour different gyms in your city (if you have that option) and during the tour ask the person showing you around to also show you the locker room. Looking around places with someone that works there helps reduce insecurities and the fear that people think you are a creeper.

During your tour ask yourself how you feel when in the locker room and evaluate if the space gives you options.

• Can you find a place to change with more privacy?
• Are there restrooms in the room that you could change in?
• What do the showers look like? (Some places are now putting in single stalls with doors.)
• Does your gym have a pool? If so, could you use the shower facility while in a bathing suit?
• Would you have the option of changing at your work before even going to the gym?

There may be other things you are struggling with along with just trying to find a place you feel comfortable to change.

This can include:

• Binding if you haven't had or don't desire to complete chest surgery.
  
• Wearing a packer to enhance the bulge in your shorts or to try and conceal your body when you shower.

Below are some of my thoughts around these issues.

I was very fortunate, I didn't bind before my transition, and then when I began my transition I underwent chest surgery first. So I can sympathize with everyone who struggles with binders, but I can't fully relate. I can say, in regard to health and safety, be very careful when working out if you are wearing a binder. You don't want to have restrictive breathing which could lead to you passing out. You also don't want to wear a binder that is too tight. Get measured and buy the right size, otherwise you risk breaking or separating a rib (very painful!) If possible, look into sports bras that give you good compression and then wear a tank top and a t-shirt on top of that.

Wearing packers. I have to say, the first year of my transition I spent over one-hundred dollars trying out different packers and the one thing they all had in common were, they sucked. No matter what packer I bought, the three-inch or the five-inch, the one that is softer or harder, and the underwear that holds them in or the harness you pass them through I always looked like I had a huge boner. I tried placing the packer left, right, directly in front facing down or up but nothing helped. I also hated how it rubbed against my body and stuck to my skin. I quickly concluded packers and me aren't friends. If you are worried about how your crotch looks when working out, I suggest buying super baggy shorts that you can pull further down. Also, unless you are being cruised, how your crotch looks in your shorts isn't most likely going to be something other people are looking at.

If your gym has a pool and you could use your swim trunks to cover up your junk as you shower I suggest it. If your pool has a policy where you can't wear anything in the showers before entering the pool, then try to be sneaky. You could take some water and run it through your hair or pat your face so that you look like you just got out of the pool and jumping into the shower to wash off. If you haven't had chest surgery then you could also try wearing tank tops designed for the water or if you had had chest surgery and are a little insecure about your scars you can do what I used to do and cover the scars with one of your arms when facing other people.

Phew, so much work just to change clothes and get a work out in! I'm thinking of all of you struggling with finding your comfort at the gym. If it is something you can't get past, being in the outdoors or doing some activities at home can also be very rewarding and give you some results.

Be Well,
Ryan
http://www.ryansallans.com

There are a lot of things that I find to be extremely frustrating in the transition process, finding a therapist is one of them.

Before I go further I want to say I am pro-therapy. I know that therapist can get a bad rap because they are seen as a gate-keeper to one’s transition. I also know that therapist can struggle because they can become the scape-goat either by the person transitioning or by the medical provider requiring a letter from them which in some instances feels more like a way for the provider to CYA (cover your ass).

I am pro-therapy not in the sense that I think EVERYONE should be wedded to the WPATH standards (which in reality have a lot of flexibility to them if people read further than just the recommended guidelines—-“recommended” being the keyword). I am pro-therapy in the sense that even if someone feels confident about their transition and better about their life when moving forward with things, a lot could change as you begin either due to people treating you differently, family conflict, relationship conflict, job conflicts and mood changes on hormones or after surgeries. So building a relationship with a therapist before the transition is a way of building a foundation that you can then build from as you move forward with the transition.

Some people may need or benefit from seeing a therapist weekly, others bi-monthly and others just here and there when they need a check-in. I can say that check-in’s here and there has been beneficial for me after years of transitioning because for me as I’ve blogged about in earlier posts, my body image stuff still rears its ugly head, no amount of hormones or surgeries will change that.

So for those of you just beginning or in a place where you are looking for someone new, here are my tips:

1) First visit WPATH’s website and see if they have any providers listed in your area. Individuals listed on this site are members of WPATH, meaning they pay a fee so keep in mind some may be excellent therapists, others may have the financial means to advertise where they like…but I believe most are very well-intentioned.

If there isn’t a provider listed in your area under WPATH, then go to Psychology Today and run a search for therapist in your area that have marked that they work with transgender clients. But be aware, a lot of therapists will mark this box even if they haven’t had clients that are exploring gender identity. They may mark it because they have worked with gay and lesbian clients or because they have a friend who is transgender or they saw someone talk about their transition once, etc. A little side note: One of the biggest turn offs for me is when I see the misuse of the term transgender as “transgendered.” Another site I’ve used successfully is http://trans411.org/

There are a lot of transgender websites that also lists therapists in different regions, however keep in mind some of the information on those sites may be old and outdated, or the person may be outdated…meaning they were once on top of this issue but they haven’t kept up with the times and different means of expression and forms of identities.

2) When you find someone you are interested in calling, ask for a free phone consultation where you can ask them some questions.

A) Have you worked with transgender clients before?

If yes, ask how many and for how long.

If no, you can choose to go on to someone new on the lists or if they are your only resource you can ask if they’d be willing to work with someone that is exploring their identity.

B) Have you worked with an array of clients, ftm, mtf, genderqueer, crossdressers, etc?

If they say, “gender what?” you know they don’t know very much about the community. This question will give you a gauge of how involved and knowledgeable they are about gender identity and expression.

C) Do you write letters for people seeking hormones and surgeries?

This is another gauge of their experience. If they say yes, they know what you are talking about, if they say, “Uh…I haven’t yet but I can look into it,” it shows that they are still willing but you will need to do some educating, (there are examples of letters on WPATH’s website). If they say maybe or no, consider if it would be a waste of your time to continue seeing them or if you are willing to take the chance with them.

D) Do you use a certain standards of care for someone transitioning?

There are other standards besides WPATH’s…WPATH’s is just more universally used. This will give you a sense of their knowledge.

E) Which standards do you follow and what is your philosophy around them?

Some therapists (or providers) don’t understand that the standards are just guidelines…not set-in-stone you must do this, then this, then this….Getting a sense of how the therapists uses them will be helpful for you.

These questions will be a good starting place for you. The next step is to schedule your first session and see what your gut is saying about the person. You will most likely be nervous, talking to someone about things personal to you is never easy, but you’ll become more at ease as your relationship grows. If you keep getting nervous then I feel it is a sign the therapist is doing what they need to do, which is helping you bring out the hard stuff and actually look at it, explore it, analyze it and approach it. Therapy isn’t easy for you or the person providing it, it’s a process that in the end I hope brings you larger clarity to your life.

Be well.

If I were to come up to you and say, "Hey, come to my penis party." Would you? Would you reply in anticipation, horror or shyness? I'm guessing perhaps all of the above, especially if you didn't know me.

If you agreed to come, upon arriving you may be disappointed to see that the party isn't held in a dungeon, doesn't involve flashy lights and requires everyone to keep their pants on, but you'll quickly be pulled in to staying when you see the open bar and games: including, Lorana-Bob it (bobbing for apples), Pin-the-Penis on me (you can decorate your penis for an extra dollar), Build-a-Boner Contest (the best boner won the hand-carved wooden penis), if you get hungry you can pay a dollar for a penis sugar cookie which you can choose to decorate and then chase it with a penis Jell-O shot. As the party gets near the end you won't want to leave without playing at least one game of PENIS (instead of BINGO).

I had over fifty people arrive for this very scene in 2008 and it is still talked about today.

Let's face it, transitioning is just plain hard (no pun intended). The money, the fear of familial/friend support, the fear of keeping your job, the surgeries, the doctors, the hormones, on and on and on. It's been my philosophy over the years to have some fun with it, make fun of myself and try to bring all communities together (not just for a benefit that supported me, but for fun in general).

I get emails upon emails from people trying to find ways to fund their transition. I am very empathetic with all while I look back over the past six years and $40,000.00 I've spent...I worked three jobs, saved every penny and had (still do) credit cards coming out of my ears. It was the only way I could do it...my penis party brought in $300 (after paying off the $200.00 booze tab). Although $300.00 looks pretty small compared to the $30,000.00 I ended up spending, it was huge when just thinking about the support that my friends gave me.

Support is one of the biggest morale boosters in the transition. It helps take your mind off of the medical bills and other things that make you feel like crap and brings you into a place of peace.

My friends were (and still are) amazing, they joined me for all the parties I threw (one before each surgery). We ate cheeseburgers and drank bad beer during my, "Holy crap I can't believe I'm getting rid of these breasts party." We all took a whack at the homemade uterus pinata at my, "Good-bye Uterus Party." And, we all brought our dollar bills to my "Penis Party," which was held right before traveling over to Belgrade, Serbia.

So how can you raise money? I'd first recommend raising friends and then being very creative. I know people who throw benefits at gay bars during drag shows, open accounts online, offer free booze in their home or do one of the above and then work their tails off to fund it all.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, then take a step back, breathe and think about what is feasible in the present.

I'd love to hear from all of you about ways you have financed your surgeries.

I actually don’t like the diagnosis of “eating disorder,” any of us that have suffered from this disorder know that all of our problems aren’t really about food, food is just the tool we use to run away, numb out, control and cope with our feelings.

I still don’t fully understand feelings that aren’t related to: worthless, unacceptable, shameful, selfish and in the way...SO, I just started therapy again after YEARS of not seeing anyone, the therapist I chose has worked at the Renfrew Eating Disorder clinic and so he knows a thing or two about clients who’ve struggled with food, weight, body image, control and feelings of being valuable to society.

I noticed when talking with him about any frustrations I have with my career, my goals, my feelings of worth as a friend, partner, uncle, sibling, son, etc, he keeps bringing me back to my eating disorder. This confused me at first I’ve been free of any symptoms or issues with food for almost seven years, why does he call this my eating disorder? I stop and think for a second and recognize that the comments I’ve been making to him, the thoughts I’ve been struggling with and the insecurity I feel in my body are the same as they were when I was using food, which is why terming it an “eating disorder” is so misleading and makes it even more confusing for those of us that have recovered.

I still pick apart every piece of my body, in fact, just the other day I was conducting a training and the WHOLE time I was speaking (three hours) I had my brain screaming at me about how uncomfortable it was with my weight.

I recognize that whenever I get scared, instead of facing the issues head on and exploring what it is that I’m scared of and how I can try to work with the fear I run away from it. I move to body hate and dissatisfaction. I reach out for the shell of a self that I had when I was near my death bed and think that somehow, if my body looked the way I “feel it should be,” then all my fears will go away and I will be happy in life.

This is not possible folks. It is a way of coping, a way of avoiding, a way of not really listening to what my body is saying or what my feelings are expressing.

I vote that we change the diagnosis of an “eating disorder” to a “feeling disorder.” After all, when we get down to the root of it it’s not the food that is the issue, it’s the avoidance and misunderstanding of feelings that is pushing us forward while it holds us back.

The artwork above are combined photos back in 2001 after I successfully put on a healthy weight,
but so desperately wanted to go back to my destructive behaviors. Back then, it was easier to focus on destroying myself instead of understanding myself, my identity, sexuality and dreams.

I refuse to let these thoughts control my everyday life, especially after making through my transition, moving into self-employment and finding my life-partner, so to all of you that are struggling, have struggled and continue on under the label of “recovered or in recovery,” keep up the fight and the conversations about what drove you to the behaviors that nearly destroyed you and WHAT HAS DRIVEN you to respect everything you’ve been given in life.

My biggest drives are the people that reach out to me for help and the understanding that I’m here for a reason.

Visit me at: http://www.ryansallans.com

I was ecstatic to open up my email today and read an update from the National Center for Transgender Equality stating that the Veterans Health Administration (VHA) has been issued a directive to "establishing a policy of respectful delivery of healthcare to transgender and intersex veterans who are enrolled in the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) healthcare system or are otherwise eligible for VA care." 

With this new policy in place, this means transgender and intersex veterans must be treated fair and equally while maintaining confidentiality surrounding their medical records. 
One disappointing policy states that Sex Reassignment Surgeries (SRS) will not be paid for by the VA. However, other health care specific to their body will be covered if deemed medically necessary including: mammograms, pap smears, hormones and mental health services.


Mara Keisling, NCTE's Executive Director, also had this to say about the new Directive:  "This Directive from the Obama administration is a great first step.  We will continue advocating for the fair and equal treatment of transgender veterans until all restrictions on medically necessary care are lifted and transgender vets are treated as equally and as well as they deserve."

Another reason I am proud of the Obama Administration and NCTE.

Ryan
http://www.ryansallans.com