The inability to sleep has plagued me for years. I spend hours trying to force myself to dream, only to realize that I am writing the script as the movie I watch in my mind unfolds. This isn't necessarily a bad thing; I can control what I want to "dream" about at that time, however, this leaves me with a somewhat helpless feeling. I keep thinking that I am actually asleep and that I will be able to speed through the night in the theatre that is my mind only to find that I am just trying to trick myself. If I could sleep, my mind would show me what it wants me to see, not what I want my mind to see. The unfortunate thing is that although I may be able to "dream" about what I want to, it may not always be what I am supposed to. I love the epiphanies that can come from a prophetic dream; sadly those are becoming fewer and farther between for me. However, it's not all bad when I can control my half-asleep yet still wide awake thoughts as I can relive the moments in my life that I hold closest to my heart. In these pseudo-sombulatic thoughts I can see a friend that I haven't actually layed eyes on in months, revisit a party long past, or even just relax within the imagined calm. One common subject within many of my real dreams and my forced ones is love. I constantly wonder where it will come from or who it will be found with, and when it will take place. I think of scenarios where a possible connection could result; of how I will know when love has taken over. It's been said time and again that we can not choose whom we love, and rather that it is something that naturally blossoms over time. This both thrills and frightens me, as it means that I can't fully control my feelings. I like to think of myself as a rather stable, well-grounded person who can keep their emotions under control. However, when love comes into play, I can't help but lose a bit of myself in my feelings for the other person. I suppose this happens to everyone, but it can still freak me out. I guess I will just have to trust my heart to drive me in the right direction and my brain to keep me in check. I hate to be so philosophical, but I guess that's the nature of obscure concepts such as "love". Well, at least one thing's for sure. I may not know when it's the true thing, but I certainly will know when it's not.
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