I once had breakfast in a pancake house in Houston with my friend, Sam, after we stopped dating. He dumped me for someone cuter, but we became friends again after he got dumped by the cuter boy when the cuter boy found someone cuter. Then I thought to myself that gay men pick boyfriends exactly like they pick shoes.
Sam and I sat at the table, deciding what to order, when I asked him why I had such bad luck dating men. He reached toward the condiments and placed a ketchup bottle next to a mustard bottle. He pointed to the half empty ketchup bottle and said "I'm the ketchup. See how everyone likes ketchup? It goes with everything." He then pointed to the mustard bottle and said "you're the mustard. It's just there on the table and collects dust because it's bitter and no one ever wants it."
That comment set into motion a series of events that would test the strength of my resolve. I spent years trying to make myself perfect because I didn't want to be the mustard bottle. I wanted to be the ketchup, or maybe even the hot sauce. Only brave people ask for the hot sauce. After practically killing myself with the intense workouts so I could look skinny and nights of binge drinking so I could fit into the bar scene, I still had trouble getting people to like me.
One day, after I eventually made my way to Chicago, I had lunch at Clark Street Dog with my roommate at the time. I noticed that he was putting mustard on his Italian sausage. The mustard bottle was practically empty, and I couldn't stop staring at the full bottle of ketchup next to it. He told me that a lot of people in Chicago love their Italian sausage with just mustard on it.
EPIPHANY! It wasn't that everyone in the world hated mustard. Who would use mustard on anything in a pancake house, anyway? I realized that the person who I was in Houston who got dumped by a person who would eventually get dumped by the person that he dumped me for in the first place was fine just the way he was. Just because "mustard bottle me" wasn't popular in one place doesn't mean that he couldn't be accepted in another. Different strokes for different folks, right?
So whenever one of my Asian comrades whines and complains about people not liking Asian guys, I just tell them that in a place with an abundance of meat, the mustard bottle reigns supreme! And that reference works on so many levels!
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JasonPaul
Total blog posts: 1
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Many gay men have problems eating out because restaurants are either too expensive, too crowded, not cruisy enough, or just plain dirty. The Taco and Burrito Palace on Halsted St. comes to mind. They charge 1.99 for a medium drink with no refills, the seats are sticky with what you HOPE is dried soda, and the closest thing to a cute guy is the one chef who ISN'T picking the wax out of his ears. Ugh!
So what's the one place where a gay man can go to get reasonably priced food, instant seating, and a ton of hot hottie hot hot men to ogle? Why, HOOTERS, of course!
Before you roll your eyes, just consider that the average lunch or dinner for two gay men in the city of Chicago can cost upwards of $35 to $40 at a hip restaurant that's advertised in Metromix. Two gay boys can go to Hooters for about half that price. You have enough money left over to get a cocktail afterward or rent a nice porn video. Imagine that!
I've also never had to wait to be seated at a Hooters. The women are so glad that the gay men aren't there to stare at their goodies that they find a table for them quickly and treat them like kings... er, queens. It's a very relaxed environment for the gays because it's one of the few places where we don't have to keep up appearances for fear of being talked about at the bars later that night.
For all the queers sneering at Hooters food because they think it's unhealthy, you should know that they now offer skinless chicken and other healthy alternatives to the classic menu.
Finally, the most important reason why I go to Hooters is the abundance of smoking hot straight boys. You know I love the breeders! They always travel in packs and if you're lucky, you can corner one of them in the restroom and give him a quick hand job because he's so drunk. I really love watching their eyes as they're looking at the waitress' ta-tas. You wonder if they're wanting to put their face in it or if they want to grow a pair for themselves.
Don't be so quick do dismiss Hooters as one of your frequent eateries. The ladies at Hooters always love their gay customers, so you'll always feel welcome.
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zoozoo6
Total blog posts: 1
MyPride friends: 1
P.S. have you ever checked out the bathroom action at BERLIN or THE ADMIRAL THEATRE?
Best Buy is a huge company with over 1150 stores in the US, Canada, and China. You see ads in the newspapers and on television that try to convince you that you fucking NEED to shop at Best Buy or else your dad won't love you. I'm referring to the father's day commercial where the dad favored the Best Buy present over the dinky little non-Best Buy present. They use flashy colors and really hot print models to appeal to your senses. I, too, have fallen victim to all of the clever advertisements and I find myself going there every Wednesday to futilely find the newest video games.
I get myself all revved up as I'm walking through the door, believing that I'm going to go in and quickly find what I need and then walk out with enough time to call the people I neglect when I'm in one of my video game marathon sessions. Sadly, I never find what I need. On six separate occasions, I've come up empty handed when in search of a new release. It's quite frustrating and I'm a little hurt when I walk out, but I find myself coming back for more every time. It's exactly like an abusive relationship where the husband beats the wife or his secret gay boyfriend who he has to meet at the dirty motel across the street from the Piggly Wiggly.
I finally put my foot down one week after not being able to find a copy of "Tomb Raider: Anniversary" at the local Best Buy back in June. I was able to find it at Game Stop, which is a million times better when all you want is a cool video game. The employees are way more knowledgeable than Best Buy employees, and they're down to earth and will tell you like it is. The only down side is that they'll give you hell if you buy lame games. But have you ever had a conversation with a Best Buy employee and gotten the feeling like he or she is struggling to string a sentence together for fear of being wrong? I sometimes wish I could look inside their minds with a special machine that can broadcast it onto a movie screen. It would totally look like stock footage from a circus in the 1920s.
I also went in there last week with my friend Scott to ask about high definition and why my television wasn't looking high definition. The picture on the model television looked fabulous and I wanted to know how I could get that on my own television. The "specialist" who helped us tried to convince me that all of the electricity in my apartment was dirty and the only thing that would help it was a $149 power strip that supposedly filtered out all of the "dirty electricity." That was the point where I threw my hands up and wondered out loud when the world got so fucked up that major companies employ smoking hot young men to influence less hot people to spend money on shit they don't need. I was wondering when this boy was going to tell me that I wasn't sexy unless I owned the third season of F Troop on DVD.
We need to wake up and smell the dirty electricity, people! Best Buy doesn't care about the little guy the same way that George Bush doesn't care about black people, so Kanye West says. What people don't know is that the CEO of Best Buy is actually one of the nails that they used to crucify Jesus. And instead of easy listening music, Best Buy broadcasts the sounds of crying babies over their loudspeakers.
I'm still going to shop there.
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zoozoo6
Total blog posts: 1
MyPride friends: 1
Finally, you're sure that you've made a positive ID and you go in to say hello. But he does his best to avoid eye contact with you from across the room! Puzzled, you step closer and notice that he's got that "oh shit" look on his face as he tries to come up with an excuse as to why he tried to give you the slip earlier. It could be any one of these tired excuses:
- I didn't recognize you.
- I thought it was you, but I wasn't sure! How are you?
- No, I don't think we've met.
There's a certain code of ethics in the world of casual sex that makes things less awkward for everyone. You should always treat people with an ounce of respect, no matter how weird or amazing the sex was between you and them. This means you don't smother them with affection or pretend not to know them when they say hello.
After a recent burn an old fuck buddy at a bar, I decided to grill him for some info. He claimed that he wanted to put that chapter of his life as far behind him as possible, implying that what I'm still doing (hardcore fucking with as many men as possible) is morally reprehensible. But you just can't ignore your past like it's an unpaid speeding ticket. One day it will come back to make you miserable, so you should just fucking pay it right then and there. Do you get the connection?
I'm not a bad person. If I were a bad person, I would have ignored the fact that he was there with his boyfriend and asked him when he was going to come over again to spank me with a duck shaped letter opener.
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Gypsy1
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zoozoo6
Total blog posts: 1
MyPride friends: 1
My friend Krissy sent me an e-mail yesterday to warn me about our friends Mark and Kevin quitting smoking together. I was warned to steer clear of both of them and to try not to say or do anything to upset them because they're quitting smoking and it's been six days since their last cigarette. What a fucking load of steaming bullshit! Just for that stupid e-mail, I will go out of my way to be a dick to both of them and I'll tell them that Krissy told me to do it. They're not really close friends of mine. They're the type of people who would hesitate and ponder whether they should take a friend to the hospital or go out on a date with someone they hardly knew.
Mark and Kevin were the only smokers in our circle of friends and we always had to sit in the smoking section just for them. They never volunteered to sit in the non-smoking section and they never did anything to accommodate their non-smoking friends, so why do we have to act all goody goody lollipop when we're around them? So not only do us non-smokers have to die of passive smoking, but we also have to walk on eggshells when we're dealing with people who are trying to quit. Oh yes, let's rearrange our lives and cater to their every whim. La dee da. Would you like a foot rub as well?
One moment I will never forget is the time I saw Cyndi Lauper perform at a club in Houston. She stopped after her first song to ask the audience to put out their cigarettes saying that "you're all young and cute! That shit will kill ya, seriously!"
AMC Theatres had a policy regarding smoke breaks that I had a problem with. Apparently, employees were allowed to take five minute smoke breaks as long as they smoked in the back of the building. To combat this, I proposed a bacon break. Employees who enjoyed bacon should be allowed a five minute break to partake in the salty sweet goodness of bacon. Hey, excessive bacon consumption can lead to heart problems in the same way that excessive smoking can lead to lung cancer. My proposal was unanimously shot down.
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CPJason
Total blog posts: 1
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But those times are changing. The dangers of smoking are becoming more common knowledge, and it's practice is being seen more as an addictive habit then a social pasttime.
I suggest you just eat your bacon and wait it out.
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JimInChicago
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With the lost amount of time a day, I proposed to my boss that non-smokers should only work a 7 hour day or be allowed a longer lunch break.
My idea was shot down. So now I just take "clean air" breaks.
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zoozoo6
Total blog posts: 1
MyPride friends: 1
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